Cadence *Hearts* Flannel Part Deaux

I was a bit rushed in yesterday's post, and I'd like to explain myself a little better. Ted and I had an eye-opening experience at a party a little over a month ago. It was a birthday party for Aunt Becki, Dave's fiancé. Most of the guests at the party were her classmates from grad school, so Cadence was the only kid. Everyone was super nice to her and kept saying over and over again just "how cute!" she was or "how beautiful!" or "how adorable!" It's not so much that we don't agree with those statements, but hearing it over and over again at that party made us wonder whether Cadence was internalizing this and if so, what effect that would have on her self-image and where she derives her sense of self-worth in the long run.

Ted shared with me his own experience of growing up and hearing over and over from his (mainly female) relatives that he was so handsome or so cute, and how that made him feel self-conscious and damaged his self-esteem. You would think that kids would like hearing that they're good-looking, but I think when that's ALL a kid hears, they may start questioning whether that's all they're good for, and I believe that Ted may have experienced that to a certain degree. Also, I think that the research on the negative effects of praise and rewards would back me up on this.

I don't think that it's wrong to dress up your kid in cute outfits or to enjoy hearing people compliment them on their looks. What I don't want to do, however, is to just sit on the sidelines and let Cadence be enticed by a society that places so much emphasis on external beauty with standards so brutal that the average jane can only get depressed after 5 minutes of thumbing through one issue of Seventeen. I don't want Cadence to grow up needing external praise from other people to feel good about herself. I don't want Cadence to be conditioned to value other people based on THEIR external appearances alone. Instead, my hope is that she will see the beauty in herself and in others in characteristics such as compassion, kindness, generosity, justice, courage, honesty, simplicity and humor, and that she will be motivated by an internal sense of what is right and good and just, and not be a slave to external praise or criticism.

Cadence *Hearts* Flannel

I know that as the parent of a girl, one big temptation is to dress your daughter up as if she's your personal doll 24/7. Just walk into any Baby Gap or Old Navy, and you'll see that the options for girls are so much more enticing than for boys. I've recently become acutely aware of many people paying attention only to Cadence's outward appearance. I guess it's only natural, since most folks think that parents always want to hear how cute their kid is. And of course I enjoy hearing these kinds of compliments; I wouldn't be plastering the internet with her photos if I didn't. At the same time, though, I also don't want Cadence to grow up thinking that the most important thing in life is for her to look "cute" or "pretty" or that her main value as a girl or woman is to look good for other people.

Fact is, Cadence is about as active and playful and rambunctious as any boy her age I've seen. I was raised in a family that believed that girls should be quiet and gentle and that they don't grow up to be certain things, like, say, a photographer for National Geographic. I don't want to place those kinds of limits on Cadence.

I admit that sometimes it's really hard to let Cadence pick her own outfit, when I'd really like to take her out and about in that adorable dress, but she's rather run and jump and climb in a flannel shirt and jeans.

And even when she DOES wear something a bit more on the girly side, I hope she'll always be comfortable enough in her own skin to just be her goofy, lovely self.

Real Moms Meme

I've been tagged by the lovely and every-so-talented Tracey Clark for the awesome Real Moms Meme started by Kristen.

It took me a while to think of something to fill in the "Real Moms _________." Mainly, because so many people have already taken my potential answers. So after a few hours of pondering and a couple of google searches cuz I hates being redundant, here's what I'm going with:

Real Moms Need Each Other.

And by each other, I mean other Real Moms.

There are so many experiences that are universal to motherhood, especially First Time Motherhood. You can read about pregnancy and birth and newborn care and parenting until you're blue in the face (or zonked out from boredom), but until you actually talk to another mom who's Been There Done That and Lived to Tell About It, there's a part of you that won't believe any of it. The phrase shouldn't be It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. It should be It Takes A Village of Real Moms To Keep A Mom From Crossing Over The Brink Of Insanity--So That She Can Raise A Child.

Sadly, we in Western culture don't live in villages anymore. Those of us in big cities don't even have the advantage of the town gossip who at least lets everyone else know what your troubles are. If it weren't for the internet, many of us wouldn't have even ONE other mom to relate to.

But the need to connect is still there. Real Moms Need Each Other. So many of us parent with guilt and insecurities and feel like failures. We need to hear that it's normal to not like your kid occasionally. We need to hear that it's okay if your kid won't eat anything but cheerios today (and tomorrow and the day after that). We need to hear that it's okay to have that cocktail/beer/vodka. We need to hear that we're not failures because we couldn't give birth naturally/breastfeed/cloth diaper/get our babies to sleep through the night/wean/potty train/learn their ABCs. We need to hear that we are not alone, and we need to hear it from other Real Moms.

I'm tagging all y'all mamas, many of you who've been there for me, keeping me real.

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself. This seems pretty obvious, huh? It's easier said than done, however, in our fast-paced plugged-in world.

Some women's bodies are hardcoded to have easy births. I know a mom who delievered her firstborn almost before her husband was done filling out the hospital paperwork. She thought it was so easy that she was ready to have another baby the very next day. If all women were like her, I'm sure we'd have to be building condos in Antarctica by now due to the overpopulation. Alas, for most women, having a baby can be as physically and mentally challenging as running a marathon. If you don't prepare your body and your mind for the event, you may find yourself regretting it at the finish line.

The first part of taking care of yourself is to eat healthy. When I was pregnant with Cadence, we had the misfortune of living only a block away from Sweet Occasions, our favorite ice cream place in the city. 2 ½ years later, the extra pounds of flesh on various parts of my body still remind me of every scoop of ice cream I indulged in during those months. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in dieting during a pregnancy. I've heard of women who were so scared of gaining weight that they gave birth to 4lb babies. However, your visits to Sweet Occasions should be just that—sweet and occasional, not the almost daily visit it became for me. It's no wonder Cadence is willing to take two buses when I mention that ice cream will be the destination.

I think some of the guidelines on what pregnant women should eat and not eat get totally wacko and impossible to follow. I wouldn't overdo it unless you LIKE following really restrictive and regimented rules for yourself. I think the main thing I would do differently (besides eating less ice cream) would be to keep in mind that being pregnant is not an excuse for pigging out on whatever fatty greasy food I'm in the mood for. Just this mindset alone would have significantly increased the health factor of my diet during pregnancy and decreased the number of miles I'm gonna have to run now to forget those scoops of Zanzibar Chocolate.

One reason eating a healthy diet is important is that it will help you to also do the second part of taking care of yourself, which is to EXERCISE. What? Exercise? But aren't prego women supposed to take it easy? That's what past generations thought, and some women who have high-risk pregnancies do have to take it easy . But for the vast majority of women, exercise is a good thing during pregnancy. You can't sit on your gradually widening ass for 9 months and then expect to perform the equivalent of running a marathon during labor and delivery. This may be the one instance when your ability to perform under pressure will not be enough. (Like I said, I’m not a healthcare professional, so talk to yours before starting an exercise regiment.)

Unfortunately, if your body is not used to exercising BEFORE you get pregnant, it can be hard to make a habit of it AFTER you're pregnant, when your hormones and body changes are making you narcoleptic on most days. Some doctors won't even let you exercise beyond the brisk walk if you didn't exercise BEFORE you got pregnant. That's why I totally plan on getting as fit as possible before I'll even entertain trying to conceive again (which is why I may never have another child).

Women who exercise consistently during their pregnancy often have an easier time with labor and delivery. The exercise I've heard women swear by time and time again, esp women who chose natural childbirth, is prenatal yoga.

I am one of the 7 women in America who missed out on the yoga/pilates phenomenon. Part of it was my fundamentalist Christian upbringing that predisposed me to be suspicious of anything that smacked of Eastern religions. Which is stupid when you consider I'm Asian. Anyhoo, I thought practicing yoga would be an open invitation to all the false religion demons to inhabit my vulnerable spirit, so I shouldn't take the risk.

I've come to my senses since then, but I still haven't caught up with the yoga craze. I do plan on rectifying that, esp. if I ever want to get pregnant again. One of the things on my To Do Before Considering Pregnancy Again list is mastering a yoga regiment. Maybe mastering is too strong a word…I suppose surviving on a regular basis (e.g. 3x a week)would be a more realistic goal, if I ever want to cross that one off my list.

So what is it about prenantal yoga that is so helpful to women in labor? Due to my lack of personal experience, I'll have to go by what I've heard and read. Here are some articles that you may find helpful:

Prepare for Birth with Prenatal Yoga
Prenatal Yoga: More than Relaxation
Great Pregnancy Exercise: Yoga
Benefits of Yoga Before, During and After Pregnancy

Here is a list some of the benefits of prenatal yoga from one of the articles:

~Increase energy
~Decrease anxiety
~Strengthen birthing muscles
~Quicken postpartum recovery
~Improve sleep
~Reduce backache
~Improve circulation
~Increase chance of a healthy birth

The third part of taking care of yourself is learning how to relax. That may sound simple enough, but if you've never made a habit of taking time to just breathe deeply and let go of all your stress, you may find yourself twiddling your thumbs and blinking a lot while wondering when you're gonna start feeling relaxed.

You may have to try different things to find what actually relaxes you. It might not be the stereotypical bubble bath or walk on the beach. The aforementioned yoga may help. The breathing exercises alone should put you in a calm, meditative state.

If you've never tried needlecraft before, it's never too late to learn. I hear knitting and crocheting can be very therapeutic, and I know first hand (ha! hand. get it?) that simple stitching can also be very relaxing and is something that even someone who's all thumbs can do very easily. You can even make stuff for your expected bundle of joy!

For those of you who can afford it, an occasional prenatal massage session can be totally what the doctor/midwife/homeopath ordered. Of course, having a partner with strong hands who's willing to give you a backrub at the end of a long, stressful day couldn't hurt either.

Whatever it is that helps you to relax, whether it's the stuff I mentioned, or just daydreaming for 15 minutes, reading a book, listening to music, etc., it's a good habit to cultivate. I'm definitely still working on this one.

Actually, I think that this whole "Take Care of Yourself" mantra is the most difficult one for me. It goes back to my fundie cult upbringing in which I was taught that taking care of yourself was plain selfish, when you should be out looking for and feeding Jesus' lost sheep. Nevermind that the cult leader always had a bevy of women around him, cooking for him, running his errands, giving him backrubs and doing GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. Anyhoo, so yeah, it's hard for me to give myself permission to take care of ME. That's one of the reasons I'm writing all this out so publicly. I figure if I blog about it and tell other folks they should do it, I'll be more inclined to follow my own advice.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

OK, here's a short one. It's actually an addendum to Lesson #1, which was Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably A Good Idea.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself. I'm not saying you need to get psychoanalyzed or anything like that, but a little bit of introspection and discussion with your partner where you think you might fall on the various spectrums of birth and parenting will help you to filter the multiteragigs of data that you will feel like you are being bombarded with once you've taken the plunge to try to conceive or once you've conceived.

While I think it's still very helpful to get info on a bunch of scenarios and choices, if you have no idea what feels right to you and your birth partner, it can be pretty overwhelming and you may find yourself being swayed like Chicago tree branches in March. I think this is really important, or else you will FREAK OUT about EVERYTHING. Folks who are easily freaked out in general or who have a lot of fears regarding pregnancy and childbirth and the whole shabang may benefit from talking to people who have had POSITIVE experiences and maybe limit their reading if everything they read just scares them even more.

And don't let anyone guilt-trip you or scare you out of decisions that you and your partner have made based on your own research and evaluation of what is right for you. You can be flexible and open to new information if it's helpful and is accurate and makes sense, otherwise, just smile, nod, whatever, and relax.

For those who ARE scared of the pregnancy/birth/parenting thing, I was the same way. Believe me, if I hadn't been stupid about my birth control, I would have NEVER chosen to get pregnant. A lot of it was misinformation. The media really know how to scare folks about this stuff, cuz fear sells better than faith. It's sad that women have been made afraid of their own bodies and what they're capable of.