It's All About the Learning

Tomorrow, Cadence turns 2 ½ years old. It's been 3 years and 1 month since we found out we were going to be parents. Unlike some parents, we were totally unprepared for becoming pregnant, let alone becoming parents to an actual live human being. Heck, we weren't even married—that's how prepared we were. In fact, what kicked off my morning sickness (actually, it started at night not morning) was drinking half a bottle of wine and smoking a cig at the Detholz! show on Valentine's Day. I guess you can say we had to learn on the fly. It worked out okay—we're all still alive and kicking.

I don't mean to wallow in regret or revel in self-flagellation over my stupidity, but if I WERE to have another child (Don't get any ideas, now. For the record, IF we have another child, and it is still a pretty big IF, it won't be until cadence is at LEAST 4 years old, which would put the timing at around September of 2008. And it probably won't be until she's at least 5, because Ted's brother is getting married October of 2008, and I'd rather not be full-term or nursing a newborn anywhere near that time.), IF we were to actually get pregnant on purpose, there are a few things I would do differently—during the pregnancy, birth and after the baby's born—than I did the first time around.

I don't think I'll be able to get through all the stuff in one blog post, so I'll make this an occasional series.

These lessons are what I, an individual, have learned. They are not the same lessons that someone else would have learned from their own experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting a newborn and toddler. That being said, for someone who has never been pregnant, or who is newly pregnant with absolutely no info about being pregnant or a parent, I think my lessons may be useful.

Let me say upfront that much of my perspective comes from an attachment/natural parenting mindframe. Not 100%, but probably a good 70.3%. It's what works for our family and for who we are and for who Cadence is. Everyone has to find what works for their families. I would hope that they would do so not just from what's convenient to the parents, but out of sincere concern for the children's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Also, I am not a medical or health professional of any kind. Every woman's body is different, every baby and toddler is different, and it is our wonderful, mysterious and oftentimes mindboggling job to learn about our own bodies and to learn about our own children—their bodies, their personalities, their quirks and charms.

Ok, now that the legal disclaimers are over, here goes.

Lesson # 1—Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably a Good Idea

So you get pregnant, you wait 9 months, give or take a few weeks, and then you go to the hospital and have a baby, right? I mean, they've got drugs so it won't hurt, and the doctors and nurses will know what to do. So what's the big deal? Well, that's one way to do it, I suppose. However, since we're going based on the lessons I have learned, that's NOT what I would recommend for myself (or anyone else, for that matter).

I don't think you need to read EVERY SINGLE book on pregnancy or birth or parenting a child from newborn to 6 years old. If you did, you'd need a lot longer than 9 months to do it. Let's face facts. We've been going through a bit of a baby boom lately, and the pregnancy/birth/baby industry is a HUGE economic force to be reckoned with. It only takes one trip to the Babies 'R' Us to know what I'm talking about. If you browse the parenting section of your local megabookstore, you will find at least 2-4 ceiling-to-floor bookcases full of books. Inquiring newly pregnant or sleepdeprived new parental minds want to know, and there are a large gaggle of self-purported experts who will tell you everything and anything about pregnancy, birth, infant care, sleep training, breastfeeding, discipline, potty training/learning, education, etc.

Yes, a LOT of these books are just rubbish. Even some really popular books are not helpful. I don't want to name any names, but a certain line of books considered essential reading for expecting and new parents may not actually inform you accurately on *ahem* what to really expect. Unless you are a hypochondriatic apocalyptic megapessimistic masochist. Then you might like those books.

Instead of stocking up on random books from the Borders or your local library, I recommend talking to women who are currently pregnant or have recently given birth and asking them about their experiences and if they have any books that they recommend. Whether you are excitedly looking forward to your drug-free, intervention-free empowered homebirth of your dreams, or you're scared to death of this whole pregnancy and birth thing and are totally clinging to every word that falls out of your OB's mouth, it's probably a good idea to talk to women on both ends of the spectrum and those in the middle.

If you want to go the natural, drug-free route, more power to ya. That's the route I wanted too, and I eneded up w/ a C-section* without even a chance at experiencing labor. Some women need an epidural to relax and let labor progress so that they don't have to get a C-section. So regardless, you want to be prepared so that you and your partner can make the choices that are right for you. It's kinda hard to do that if haven't done the research BEFORE labor starts. I know some women who blog right until they give birth, but others might not have access to a computer or google at that point.

*Granted, if I had done things differently (like pick a doctor whose response to my birthplan wasn't to laugh in my face), things might have been different. When you're at the mercy of doctors and your insurance company, though, your choices can be limited. Which is why it's good to get this info and research done so you know what kind of birth you want WELL before your insurance company locks you in to a doctor/midwife(many insurance plans will not let you switch medical groups after you begin your 3rd trimester).

Maybe you are 10000% sure that you want an epidural or medicated birth. If so, just make sure that you still do your research so that you are aware of the impact an epidural can have on labor and on breastfeeding after the birth. Not all medicated births are created equal. Being knowledgeable about interventions can greatly enhance the quality of labor, birth and postpartum experience. For example, babies born to mothers who were administered narcotics may be extremely sleepy and not want to nurse as much at first. A lot of new moms are not aware of this, and so they just think the baby won't latch on and they give up on breastfeeding entirely. As long as you know how to rouse a sleepy newborn to keep nursing, there is no reason that getting an epidural has to result in breastfeeding not working out. Also, it turned out I wasn't able to get an epidural for my C-section because my spine was too tight, so you may want to check into that too.

Anyhoo, I'm going off on a tangent here. To summarize, it is my firm belief that it is a woman's choice to give birth naturally or with the aid of a painkiller. However, what I have learned from my experience is that unless you educate yourself on what your choices are, you may miss out on the kind of birth that you want because you didn't have enough information to make informed choices.

I am going to wrap up Lesson #1 with a few suggestions to help you Learn About Stuff Ahead of Time.

1) Take a childbirth class. Not just a one day seminar offered by your hospital. Many insurance plans will cover the expense of a more extensive childbirth class. There are many to choose from. And just because you plan on a medicated birth, don't shy away from the natural childbirth class. Most childbirth classes go over both unmedicated AND medicated births as well as C-sections so that you will be prepared regardless. We took a Bradley method class with Juli Billings-Walter, which met for 3 hours once a week for 9 weeks. It was intense, but it was well worth it. Not only did it prepare me to make informed choices when my pregnancy turned a little risky, it also provided me invaluable information on things such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and learning to respond to my baby's cues. Much of the way we parent now stems from the things we learned in that class. It's also a great way to meet other parents who will be having babies around the same time as you. Juli has about a 75% success rate for her students who want to deliver naturally. Obviously, I was part of the 25% failure rate, but let's not dwell on that...

BirthLink has a lot of info on birthing classes and other resources.

Also, Alejandra Valera wrote an excellent article about Childbirth Classes in her Car Seat column on Gapers Block a few years ago soon after the birth of her son. It gives a summary of some of the options available in the Chicago area. Note that some of the info is date-specific to the year 2004.

2) Check out some websites. There are plenty of places to get information, like babycenter.com, etc., but I would also encourage you to check out lesser-known sites like mothering.com, kellymom.com, askdrsears.com, and drgreene.com. Even if you want to be as mainstream as possible and not waver from the middle of the pack, it never hurts to get other perspectives. You may even find that these other 'alternative' birthing/parenting ideas resonate with who you really are and what you want from your birth and parenting experience than some of the more 'mainstream' ideas. Don't knock it 'til you've at least googled it, that's what I say.

3) Read some books. Browse or read thoroughly as you see fit. Many of these books are available at your local library (many large libraries even let you search their catalog online, so you don't even have to leave your chair to locate some of these books). Most megabookstores also carry them, and you can grab your drink of choice, find a nice comfy armchair, and browse away before actually purchasing the ones that jive with you.

The Thinking Woman's Guide To a Better Birth by Henci Goer—Somewhat intimidating with its small font and whatnot, but is very thorough about medical interventions. Biased towards natural, unmedicated births, but still provides a lot of valuable information that you'll probably never hear from your doctor.

The Pregnancy Book, The Birth Book, The Baby Book from the Sears Library. No, not as in the department store. William and Martha Sears are a husband and wife pediatrician/RN team who've parented 8 kids over a number of years. Some of their kids are also pediatricians and contribute to some of their books. Their website askdrsears.com is also very informative. They have a whole library of parenting books. I haven't read them all, and I hear some are better than others, but I trust them in general. They're also pretty accessible to more mainstream parents.

Father's First Steps—25 Things Every New Dad Should Know by Robert Sears and James Sears. Yup. Sons of the aforementioned Searses. I got this for my cousin so I had a chance to browse through it. I think it's important for dads or birth partners to learn as much as they can prior to the birth so that they can feel a part of the whole experience and so that they'll know how best to help mom and baby after the birth.

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. I haven't read this one myself, but I hear it's very, very good.

Birthing from Within by Pam England. Again, another book I haven't read, but my friend Ann highly recommends it, and based on what I've read about Pam England and the philosophy behind Birthing From Within, it sounds awesome. There are childbirth classes based on this book as well.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by The La Leche League (We'll talk about LLL in a future post). This is handsdown the Breastfeeding Bible. Why read it BEFORE you have a baby? Believe it or not, breastfeeding is a skill that must be learned by both mother and baby, and when you're both exhausted after a long labor/birth, that's no time to be learning the basics. I'll be posting about breastfeeding in a separate post. Y'all know how I feel about that one.

There are so many other books, but I'll stop with those for now. If you have others that you think deserve mention, feel free to comment.

out of the EB closet

...it's hard for even a toddler to resist the aroma of gloria jean's coffee. here she is making coffee for her mama!

...we got those beans on monday when we visited ted's parents out in the burbs. we stopped in at the local mall to see the fountains, which cadence had enjoyed in the summer when grandma and grandpa were babysitting.

speaking of grandma and grandpa babysitting, ted's mom asked us when we thought they could keep cadence for, oh, 2 or 3 days or so. i have to admit the question caught me off guard. on the one hand, i would LOVE a couple days with just ted and me. i mean, i'd be happy with just a few HOURS, so 2 or 3 days is something i couldn't imagine at this point. on the other hand, cadence is still nursing a few times a day, and i don't know how she would react to being separated for that long from both of us. some people may think that a getaway trip would be the perfect opportunity to wean a toddler as old as cadence. it's true that i feel totally fortunate to have been able to nurse this long, and if cadence WERE to wean right now, i'd be okay with that but ONLY if cadence would be okay with it as well.

believe it or not, i actually still ENJOY nursing. i really believe that extended breastfeeding (in combination with co-sleeping) has helped cadence and me to maintain a close bond, even though i work full-time outside the home. the first thing cadence asks for when i come home is 'ma-ma-ma' (her word for boobies), and it gives me a chance to slow down for 15 minutes and get reconnected with her after being separated for 11+ hours. i'm not saying that extended BFing or cosleeping is necessary to stay connected w/ a child if the mom works outside the home, but it's what works for our family.

...although it seems that more women are breastfeeding these days than, say, 10 years ago, extended breastfeeding (breastfeeding beyond baby's first year) is still viewed by many as strange, weird or even revolting. in other cultures, however, it is common for children to continue nursing until 4 or 5 years of age. i know some people would say that's probably in countries where clean water and food are in short supply. and while it may be true that in the U.S. and other developed countries where nutritious food and safe water are abundant that toddlers and young children don't have a PHYSICAL need for mama's milk, that doesn't mean that they don't have an EMOTIONAL need to continue the nursing relationship. in fact, some research has shown that

"In societies where children are allowed to nurse 'as long as they want' they usually self-wean, with no arguments or emotional trauma, between 3 and 4 years of age."--Kathryn Dettwyler, PhD

also, i know i've mentioned this before, but the World Health Organization actually recommends extended breastfeeding, up to two years of age or beyond.

i'm not saying that extended breastfeeding or child-led weaning is for everyone. all i'm saying is that i don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed about continuing to nurse my child. i don't want to feel like this is something i have to keep secret from my friends and family, or from strangers for that matter, because they might think i'm some kooky crunchy hippie mama. i'm really not that granola--i don't even use cloth diapers. i just happen to have a toddler who loves to nurse, and i happen to be totally okay with that. i just wish everybody else was okay with it too...

ENJOY parenting!

...so i guess this photo would explain why she's been studying elvish!

after that serious post from yesterday, i thought i'd lighten things up a bit. yes, parenting is hard work blah blah blah, but when we start becoming the parents we want to be, we can really EJOY PARENTING. and to go along with that, i've got a new website i just found called just that:

enjoy parenting with scott noelle

i highly recommend signing up for his daily groove, which is his almost daily inspirational notes on parenting.

...we had one of those nice mornings with cadence today. i had the day off for president's day (thank you, george washington!), so we went out for breakfast at pauline's in andersonville. it's a breakfast/brunch joint that we've driven by every sunday on our way to church for over a year, and we finally got to give them a try today.

...i have to admit that i'm usually not up for going out to eat with cadence because it can be so stressful when she starts screaming and wanting to wander around. this morning, though, she made no complaints when we put her in her high chair, and happily played with the little individual jelly containers by stacking them like blocks or making different shapes with them, and proudly declaring 'square!' or 'ing-ingle!' she cleaned her plate, which is unusual, and everytime she got a forkful of blueberry pancake w/ strawberry jelly into her mouth, she would lean over at me and proclaim, 'i did it!' she only fussed a little bit towards the end as we were leaving and had to put away her toys, but overall we had a lovely time. it's days like this that make it all worth it...

unconditional parenting

...i realize that my virtual self has been a bit reticent lately, whether it's on this blog, or on flickr or on my friends' blogs. it's really not because i don't have anything to say. on the contrary, it's almost as if my heart is too full for me to even KNOW what i want to say. well, let me try and get some of this out before it's gone...

when my morning sickness began the night of valentines day 2004 at the detholz! show, i had no idea that my life could be turned upside down by such a tiny little creature. parenting has definitely changed me, and it continues to change me. the past few weeks have been especially mindbending for me, as i have begun a new journey in parenting, a total paradigm shift in the way i view parenting and children in general.

...i guess it all began with reading Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott. here was a book that sought to understand children with compassion and without judgement and to communicate true empathy. i see so many parents these days who just want their kids to behave and do as they are told, especially when they are in public where other people may see and judge their parenting skills. parents can be so mean to their kids, so disrespectful, so belittling. this is something i am guilty of too. how many times have i cringed and blushed when cadence would scream bloody murder at church or at a store or among extended family? instead of thinking of her unmet needs that were causing her to act out, i just wanted her to be quiet and stop embarrassing me. how many times have i dismissed her cries and demands at home, attributing them to the inevitability of being 2 years old? how many times have i flat out ignored her from sheer exhaustion or pure laziness? too many times...

the real kicker this past month was when my friend michele gave me the DVD of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting lecture, based on his book of the same title. ted and i watched it together, and it pretty much turned our thoughts on parenting upside down. i have since read the book as well, and it simultaneously pierced my heart and gave me hope for the future of our family. instead of summarizing it myself, i'm going to quote from alfie kohn's website:

Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

the really painful thing about reading this book was realizing how badly i was parented myself. sure, my parents tried to make amends when i was older, but the damage was already done. a lot of the really messed up shit had to do with growing up in a cult. i still remember having to line up w/ the other cult kids in the cult leader's office to show him our report card every quarter. i remember watching my brother give my parents grief and thinking that i could never let them know when i was breaking the rules because a) i didn't want to disappoint my parents and b) i didn't want to get punished. let's just say that my mom thought i was at the library every day after school throughout high school...

needless to say, i don't want cadence to have to pretend to be studying at the library everyday because she's afraid of telling me what she's really up to. i don't want her to make ethical or moral decisions based on whether or not she'll get caught or punished or rewarded or praised. and even if that may seem like in the distant future, i have to remember that even now, at just almost 2.5 years old, cadence is her own self. she knows what she likes and doesn't like. she has needs that are as totally valid and significant as the needs of myself or any other adult.

although children sometimes scream loud enough to cause hearing damage, and although they sometimes seem unbelievably strong when they are hitting us or throwing things or wrestling away from us, we have to remember that children are in fact smaller and weaker and have very little voice in our society. when a child cries or throws a tantrum and the parent ignores them because 'they're just trying to get attention,' and the parent doesn't want to spoil them by responding to them when they're acting like this, the parent forgets that the child's need for attention IS A VALID NEED.

anyhoo, it's kinda overwhelming when i envision the type of parent i want to be and the type that i've been, but i have hope that i won't repeat the cyle of dysfunction or negative parenting that has been a part of my personal history. ted and i don't want to just wing it as parents. it's hard work to treat such a demanding, persistent personality like cadence with respect and gentleness, and of course we're going to come up short time and time again. and yet kids can be so forgiving when they see that we really ARE trying and when we admit to them our own weaknesses.

for any parents out there or anyone thinking of becoming parents or anyone wondering how maybe you were impacted by your parents' treatment of you and/or your siblings or anyone involved in anything w/ children (childcare, teaching, sunday school etc), i highly recommend Unconditional Parenting, either the book or the DVD.

here are also some other books and websites that have been really helpful to me in my quest to become a compassionate and respectful parent/spouse/person:

between parent and child by haim ginott
how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by adele faber and elaine mazlish
becoming the parent you want to be by laura davis and janis keyser
adventures in gentle discipline by hilary flower
the natural child: parenting from the heart by jan hunt
smart love by martha heinemann pieper and william j. pieper
mothering magazine
mama toto (baby wearing)
magical childhood
empathic discipline (the site of parenting coach lisa stroyan)

oh yeah. go bears.

well, it sure has been quiet around here, hasn't it? i wish i could say that no news is good news, but i've actually been too tired and burned out to post here. work was really busy for a while (as it usually is this time of year) and for a couple weeks, i actually had to go in all 5 days instead of working from home on wednesdays. thank goodness that craziness is over. and now we have three big weekends in a row coming up, one of which is hosting a massive super bowl tea party. yes, you read that right. super bowl TEA party.

it was supposed to be just a TEA party for some old friends of mine from my evanston vineyard days. we're all parents or soon-to-be parents now, and i organized a reunion at my place scheduled for sunday feb. 4th. it never occurred to me that the super bowl would be that very afternoon. this was quite vexing as we don't have an antenna for our TV and it had taken months to schedule a date that most of us could get together. i didn't want to cancel the party, but when the bears ended up winning the NFC title, i felt obligated to give my guests a chance to withdraw their acceptance of the invitation to the tea party, since based on the bears' record, chicago couldn't expect to participate in another super bowl until our kids are of legal drinking age. fortunately, my friends candy and eric offered to bring their bunny ears so that we could watch the game. i think it's because they're colts fans (they grew up in evansville, IN) that they really don't want to miss the game, esp. when they have the chance to tease a bunch of bears fans.

so now my tea party is going to be a SUPER BOWL tea party. who knows. maybe the bunny ears won't work and all the football fans will scurry home early.

...in addition to work and planning parties, cadence has been a major pain in the behind lately. i hear that kids often get this way at her age. maybe their brains are developing so fast that it drives them bonkers. she's just been a bit of a beeyatch, and i can tell it's taking a toll on us. the other night, ted was going out w/ his bro, and he looked at me and asked if i was okay with him going out. i told him it was fine, but i couldn't guarantee i wouldn't kill the little bugger before he got back.

of course, this little 'spririted' phase just HAD to coincide with my finishing haim ginott's classic parenting book Between Parent and Child, which i highly recommend to anybody in a relationship of any type with another human being. some of the ideas in the book may seem oversimplistic, but overall, i really got a lot out of it, not just for my parenting skills, but in relating to ted and even people at work.

anyhoo, in case i've ever made it seem like i absolutely ADORE being a parent and having cadence for a daughter ALL the time like 24/7 and how could i POSSIBLY have been happy before her birth…well, think again. sometimes, i just want to grab my camera, buy a pack of american spirits and head on over to the empty bottle like the good old days…