Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

Lesson #3--Take Care Of Yourself. This seems pretty obvious, huh? It's easier said than done, however, in our fast-paced plugged-in world.

Some women's bodies are hardcoded to have easy births. I know a mom who delievered her firstborn almost before her husband was done filling out the hospital paperwork. She thought it was so easy that she was ready to have another baby the very next day. If all women were like her, I'm sure we'd have to be building condos in Antarctica by now due to the overpopulation. Alas, for most women, having a baby can be as physically and mentally challenging as running a marathon. If you don't prepare your body and your mind for the event, you may find yourself regretting it at the finish line.

The first part of taking care of yourself is to eat healthy. When I was pregnant with Cadence, we had the misfortune of living only a block away from Sweet Occasions, our favorite ice cream place in the city. 2 ½ years later, the extra pounds of flesh on various parts of my body still remind me of every scoop of ice cream I indulged in during those months. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in dieting during a pregnancy. I've heard of women who were so scared of gaining weight that they gave birth to 4lb babies. However, your visits to Sweet Occasions should be just that—sweet and occasional, not the almost daily visit it became for me. It's no wonder Cadence is willing to take two buses when I mention that ice cream will be the destination.

I think some of the guidelines on what pregnant women should eat and not eat get totally wacko and impossible to follow. I wouldn't overdo it unless you LIKE following really restrictive and regimented rules for yourself. I think the main thing I would do differently (besides eating less ice cream) would be to keep in mind that being pregnant is not an excuse for pigging out on whatever fatty greasy food I'm in the mood for. Just this mindset alone would have significantly increased the health factor of my diet during pregnancy and decreased the number of miles I'm gonna have to run now to forget those scoops of Zanzibar Chocolate.

One reason eating a healthy diet is important is that it will help you to also do the second part of taking care of yourself, which is to EXERCISE. What? Exercise? But aren't prego women supposed to take it easy? That's what past generations thought, and some women who have high-risk pregnancies do have to take it easy . But for the vast majority of women, exercise is a good thing during pregnancy. You can't sit on your gradually widening ass for 9 months and then expect to perform the equivalent of running a marathon during labor and delivery. This may be the one instance when your ability to perform under pressure will not be enough. (Like I said, I’m not a healthcare professional, so talk to yours before starting an exercise regiment.)

Unfortunately, if your body is not used to exercising BEFORE you get pregnant, it can be hard to make a habit of it AFTER you're pregnant, when your hormones and body changes are making you narcoleptic on most days. Some doctors won't even let you exercise beyond the brisk walk if you didn't exercise BEFORE you got pregnant. That's why I totally plan on getting as fit as possible before I'll even entertain trying to conceive again (which is why I may never have another child).

Women who exercise consistently during their pregnancy often have an easier time with labor and delivery. The exercise I've heard women swear by time and time again, esp women who chose natural childbirth, is prenatal yoga.

I am one of the 7 women in America who missed out on the yoga/pilates phenomenon. Part of it was my fundamentalist Christian upbringing that predisposed me to be suspicious of anything that smacked of Eastern religions. Which is stupid when you consider I'm Asian. Anyhoo, I thought practicing yoga would be an open invitation to all the false religion demons to inhabit my vulnerable spirit, so I shouldn't take the risk.

I've come to my senses since then, but I still haven't caught up with the yoga craze. I do plan on rectifying that, esp. if I ever want to get pregnant again. One of the things on my To Do Before Considering Pregnancy Again list is mastering a yoga regiment. Maybe mastering is too strong a word…I suppose surviving on a regular basis (e.g. 3x a week)would be a more realistic goal, if I ever want to cross that one off my list.

So what is it about prenantal yoga that is so helpful to women in labor? Due to my lack of personal experience, I'll have to go by what I've heard and read. Here are some articles that you may find helpful:

Prepare for Birth with Prenatal Yoga
Prenatal Yoga: More than Relaxation
Great Pregnancy Exercise: Yoga
Benefits of Yoga Before, During and After Pregnancy

Here is a list some of the benefits of prenatal yoga from one of the articles:

~Increase energy
~Decrease anxiety
~Strengthen birthing muscles
~Quicken postpartum recovery
~Improve sleep
~Reduce backache
~Improve circulation
~Increase chance of a healthy birth

The third part of taking care of yourself is learning how to relax. That may sound simple enough, but if you've never made a habit of taking time to just breathe deeply and let go of all your stress, you may find yourself twiddling your thumbs and blinking a lot while wondering when you're gonna start feeling relaxed.

You may have to try different things to find what actually relaxes you. It might not be the stereotypical bubble bath or walk on the beach. The aforementioned yoga may help. The breathing exercises alone should put you in a calm, meditative state.

If you've never tried needlecraft before, it's never too late to learn. I hear knitting and crocheting can be very therapeutic, and I know first hand (ha! hand. get it?) that simple stitching can also be very relaxing and is something that even someone who's all thumbs can do very easily. You can even make stuff for your expected bundle of joy!

For those of you who can afford it, an occasional prenatal massage session can be totally what the doctor/midwife/homeopath ordered. Of course, having a partner with strong hands who's willing to give you a backrub at the end of a long, stressful day couldn't hurt either.

Whatever it is that helps you to relax, whether it's the stuff I mentioned, or just daydreaming for 15 minutes, reading a book, listening to music, etc., it's a good habit to cultivate. I'm definitely still working on this one.

Actually, I think that this whole "Take Care of Yourself" mantra is the most difficult one for me. It goes back to my fundie cult upbringing in which I was taught that taking care of yourself was plain selfish, when you should be out looking for and feeding Jesus' lost sheep. Nevermind that the cult leader always had a bevy of women around him, cooking for him, running his errands, giving him backrubs and doing GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. Anyhoo, so yeah, it's hard for me to give myself permission to take care of ME. That's one of the reasons I'm writing all this out so publicly. I figure if I blog about it and tell other folks they should do it, I'll be more inclined to follow my own advice.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself

(For those of you just joining us now, I'm doing a series of blog posts on Lessons Learned from my very unplanned pregnancy, birth, and 1st 2.5 years of parenting Cadence. It's information for those seeking it, but mainly, it's a way for me to give myself a pep talk for the *next* one, if and when we think we may possibly be ready for a *next* one. My fertility has always been somewhat suspect, and I'm not getting any younger, so I may be just getting all worked up for nothing.)

OK, here's a short one. It's actually an addendum to Lesson #1, which was Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably A Good Idea.

Lesson #2--Know Thyself. I'm not saying you need to get psychoanalyzed or anything like that, but a little bit of introspection and discussion with your partner where you think you might fall on the various spectrums of birth and parenting will help you to filter the multiteragigs of data that you will feel like you are being bombarded with once you've taken the plunge to try to conceive or once you've conceived.

While I think it's still very helpful to get info on a bunch of scenarios and choices, if you have no idea what feels right to you and your birth partner, it can be pretty overwhelming and you may find yourself being swayed like Chicago tree branches in March. I think this is really important, or else you will FREAK OUT about EVERYTHING. Folks who are easily freaked out in general or who have a lot of fears regarding pregnancy and childbirth and the whole shabang may benefit from talking to people who have had POSITIVE experiences and maybe limit their reading if everything they read just scares them even more.

And don't let anyone guilt-trip you or scare you out of decisions that you and your partner have made based on your own research and evaluation of what is right for you. You can be flexible and open to new information if it's helpful and is accurate and makes sense, otherwise, just smile, nod, whatever, and relax.

For those who ARE scared of the pregnancy/birth/parenting thing, I was the same way. Believe me, if I hadn't been stupid about my birth control, I would have NEVER chosen to get pregnant. A lot of it was misinformation. The media really know how to scare folks about this stuff, cuz fear sells better than faith. It's sad that women have been made afraid of their own bodies and what they're capable of.

It's All About the Learning

Tomorrow, Cadence turns 2 ½ years old. It's been 3 years and 1 month since we found out we were going to be parents. Unlike some parents, we were totally unprepared for becoming pregnant, let alone becoming parents to an actual live human being. Heck, we weren't even married—that's how prepared we were. In fact, what kicked off my morning sickness (actually, it started at night not morning) was drinking half a bottle of wine and smoking a cig at the Detholz! show on Valentine's Day. I guess you can say we had to learn on the fly. It worked out okay—we're all still alive and kicking.

I don't mean to wallow in regret or revel in self-flagellation over my stupidity, but if I WERE to have another child (Don't get any ideas, now. For the record, IF we have another child, and it is still a pretty big IF, it won't be until cadence is at LEAST 4 years old, which would put the timing at around September of 2008. And it probably won't be until she's at least 5, because Ted's brother is getting married October of 2008, and I'd rather not be full-term or nursing a newborn anywhere near that time.), IF we were to actually get pregnant on purpose, there are a few things I would do differently—during the pregnancy, birth and after the baby's born—than I did the first time around.

I don't think I'll be able to get through all the stuff in one blog post, so I'll make this an occasional series.

These lessons are what I, an individual, have learned. They are not the same lessons that someone else would have learned from their own experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting a newborn and toddler. That being said, for someone who has never been pregnant, or who is newly pregnant with absolutely no info about being pregnant or a parent, I think my lessons may be useful.

Let me say upfront that much of my perspective comes from an attachment/natural parenting mindframe. Not 100%, but probably a good 70.3%. It's what works for our family and for who we are and for who Cadence is. Everyone has to find what works for their families. I would hope that they would do so not just from what's convenient to the parents, but out of sincere concern for the children's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Also, I am not a medical or health professional of any kind. Every woman's body is different, every baby and toddler is different, and it is our wonderful, mysterious and oftentimes mindboggling job to learn about our own bodies and to learn about our own children—their bodies, their personalities, their quirks and charms.

Ok, now that the legal disclaimers are over, here goes.

Lesson # 1—Learning About Stuff Ahead of Time Is Probably a Good Idea

So you get pregnant, you wait 9 months, give or take a few weeks, and then you go to the hospital and have a baby, right? I mean, they've got drugs so it won't hurt, and the doctors and nurses will know what to do. So what's the big deal? Well, that's one way to do it, I suppose. However, since we're going based on the lessons I have learned, that's NOT what I would recommend for myself (or anyone else, for that matter).

I don't think you need to read EVERY SINGLE book on pregnancy or birth or parenting a child from newborn to 6 years old. If you did, you'd need a lot longer than 9 months to do it. Let's face facts. We've been going through a bit of a baby boom lately, and the pregnancy/birth/baby industry is a HUGE economic force to be reckoned with. It only takes one trip to the Babies 'R' Us to know what I'm talking about. If you browse the parenting section of your local megabookstore, you will find at least 2-4 ceiling-to-floor bookcases full of books. Inquiring newly pregnant or sleepdeprived new parental minds want to know, and there are a large gaggle of self-purported experts who will tell you everything and anything about pregnancy, birth, infant care, sleep training, breastfeeding, discipline, potty training/learning, education, etc.

Yes, a LOT of these books are just rubbish. Even some really popular books are not helpful. I don't want to name any names, but a certain line of books considered essential reading for expecting and new parents may not actually inform you accurately on *ahem* what to really expect. Unless you are a hypochondriatic apocalyptic megapessimistic masochist. Then you might like those books.

Instead of stocking up on random books from the Borders or your local library, I recommend talking to women who are currently pregnant or have recently given birth and asking them about their experiences and if they have any books that they recommend. Whether you are excitedly looking forward to your drug-free, intervention-free empowered homebirth of your dreams, or you're scared to death of this whole pregnancy and birth thing and are totally clinging to every word that falls out of your OB's mouth, it's probably a good idea to talk to women on both ends of the spectrum and those in the middle.

If you want to go the natural, drug-free route, more power to ya. That's the route I wanted too, and I eneded up w/ a C-section* without even a chance at experiencing labor. Some women need an epidural to relax and let labor progress so that they don't have to get a C-section. So regardless, you want to be prepared so that you and your partner can make the choices that are right for you. It's kinda hard to do that if haven't done the research BEFORE labor starts. I know some women who blog right until they give birth, but others might not have access to a computer or google at that point.

*Granted, if I had done things differently (like pick a doctor whose response to my birthplan wasn't to laugh in my face), things might have been different. When you're at the mercy of doctors and your insurance company, though, your choices can be limited. Which is why it's good to get this info and research done so you know what kind of birth you want WELL before your insurance company locks you in to a doctor/midwife(many insurance plans will not let you switch medical groups after you begin your 3rd trimester).

Maybe you are 10000% sure that you want an epidural or medicated birth. If so, just make sure that you still do your research so that you are aware of the impact an epidural can have on labor and on breastfeeding after the birth. Not all medicated births are created equal. Being knowledgeable about interventions can greatly enhance the quality of labor, birth and postpartum experience. For example, babies born to mothers who were administered narcotics may be extremely sleepy and not want to nurse as much at first. A lot of new moms are not aware of this, and so they just think the baby won't latch on and they give up on breastfeeding entirely. As long as you know how to rouse a sleepy newborn to keep nursing, there is no reason that getting an epidural has to result in breastfeeding not working out. Also, it turned out I wasn't able to get an epidural for my C-section because my spine was too tight, so you may want to check into that too.

Anyhoo, I'm going off on a tangent here. To summarize, it is my firm belief that it is a woman's choice to give birth naturally or with the aid of a painkiller. However, what I have learned from my experience is that unless you educate yourself on what your choices are, you may miss out on the kind of birth that you want because you didn't have enough information to make informed choices.

I am going to wrap up Lesson #1 with a few suggestions to help you Learn About Stuff Ahead of Time.

1) Take a childbirth class. Not just a one day seminar offered by your hospital. Many insurance plans will cover the expense of a more extensive childbirth class. There are many to choose from. And just because you plan on a medicated birth, don't shy away from the natural childbirth class. Most childbirth classes go over both unmedicated AND medicated births as well as C-sections so that you will be prepared regardless. We took a Bradley method class with Juli Billings-Walter, which met for 3 hours once a week for 9 weeks. It was intense, but it was well worth it. Not only did it prepare me to make informed choices when my pregnancy turned a little risky, it also provided me invaluable information on things such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and learning to respond to my baby's cues. Much of the way we parent now stems from the things we learned in that class. It's also a great way to meet other parents who will be having babies around the same time as you. Juli has about a 75% success rate for her students who want to deliver naturally. Obviously, I was part of the 25% failure rate, but let's not dwell on that...

BirthLink has a lot of info on birthing classes and other resources.

Also, Alejandra Valera wrote an excellent article about Childbirth Classes in her Car Seat column on Gapers Block a few years ago soon after the birth of her son. It gives a summary of some of the options available in the Chicago area. Note that some of the info is date-specific to the year 2004.

2) Check out some websites. There are plenty of places to get information, like babycenter.com, etc., but I would also encourage you to check out lesser-known sites like mothering.com, kellymom.com, askdrsears.com, and drgreene.com. Even if you want to be as mainstream as possible and not waver from the middle of the pack, it never hurts to get other perspectives. You may even find that these other 'alternative' birthing/parenting ideas resonate with who you really are and what you want from your birth and parenting experience than some of the more 'mainstream' ideas. Don't knock it 'til you've at least googled it, that's what I say.

3) Read some books. Browse or read thoroughly as you see fit. Many of these books are available at your local library (many large libraries even let you search their catalog online, so you don't even have to leave your chair to locate some of these books). Most megabookstores also carry them, and you can grab your drink of choice, find a nice comfy armchair, and browse away before actually purchasing the ones that jive with you.

The Thinking Woman's Guide To a Better Birth by Henci Goer—Somewhat intimidating with its small font and whatnot, but is very thorough about medical interventions. Biased towards natural, unmedicated births, but still provides a lot of valuable information that you'll probably never hear from your doctor.

The Pregnancy Book, The Birth Book, The Baby Book from the Sears Library. No, not as in the department store. William and Martha Sears are a husband and wife pediatrician/RN team who've parented 8 kids over a number of years. Some of their kids are also pediatricians and contribute to some of their books. Their website askdrsears.com is also very informative. They have a whole library of parenting books. I haven't read them all, and I hear some are better than others, but I trust them in general. They're also pretty accessible to more mainstream parents.

Father's First Steps—25 Things Every New Dad Should Know by Robert Sears and James Sears. Yup. Sons of the aforementioned Searses. I got this for my cousin so I had a chance to browse through it. I think it's important for dads or birth partners to learn as much as they can prior to the birth so that they can feel a part of the whole experience and so that they'll know how best to help mom and baby after the birth.

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. I haven't read this one myself, but I hear it's very, very good.

Birthing from Within by Pam England. Again, another book I haven't read, but my friend Ann highly recommends it, and based on what I've read about Pam England and the philosophy behind Birthing From Within, it sounds awesome. There are childbirth classes based on this book as well.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by The La Leche League (We'll talk about LLL in a future post). This is handsdown the Breastfeeding Bible. Why read it BEFORE you have a baby? Believe it or not, breastfeeding is a skill that must be learned by both mother and baby, and when you're both exhausted after a long labor/birth, that's no time to be learning the basics. I'll be posting about breastfeeding in a separate post. Y'all know how I feel about that one.

There are so many other books, but I'll stop with those for now. If you have others that you think deserve mention, feel free to comment.