...i'm having second thoughts about the baby...no, not about HAVING it...about whether it's a girl or not...until recently, i was pretty convinced i was having me a little girl, but lately i'm not so sure...i think i must have had dreams that i just don't remember in my waking life...well, whatever i'm having, teddy & i will be very happy i'm sure...a little boy would be nice too...teddy was such a cute little boy, so i wouldn't mind having one like him running around...



...teddy worked 6am-3pm today...i slept in until 10am...poor boy is slumbering quite contendedly right now...too bad i'm gonna have to wake him up in a little while...it's closing night of strawdog theatre's production of the merchant of venice, and my friend john roberts is playing gratiano...we've been so busy that we haven't been able to make it to the show until now, but i'm glad we're not missing it entirely...i missed detective story in the fall, and i hear that was a great production...john's now an ensemble member of strawdog, so hopefully i'll get to see more shows with him in it...



sunday is supposed to be a lovely day, and since teddy chose to nap away this afternoon, i'm gonna drag him on a photoshoot of some sort tomorrow...most likely, though, the day will start with a trip to the wilson skate park...at any rate, i simply must get back into taking photos...i've been so lazy about it lately that i actually sometimes leave the apartment without my camera ON PURPOSE!!! 'it's too heavy,' that's my excuse...well, we'll see if i still know how to take a picture tomorrow i guess...geez, now i'm making myself all nervous...

this morning, minutes before waking, i had a little dream...i saw my dad sitting on a sofa, and he was smiling and radiant and young and handsome...no sign of cancer...no sign of old age...as soon as i saw him, i ran into his arms...i cried because i knew it was a dream...he didn't say anything about my tears, but instead handed me a silk handkerchief and told me to go wipe my grandma's nose...i looked over to where he pointed, and there was his mother, dressed in the traditional korean hanbok, and she too was young and strong...i wondered where i was, whether this was heaven, and i couldn't stop crying, so much so that i woke myself up...



...these days, i see my dad only in the shifting sands of my memory and in my dreams at night...it's haunting and kind of comforting at the same time...i want to think that the way i saw him in this latest dream is how he is now--all signs of illness erased and his youth restored, smiling that big grin of his...



been listening to--

put danger back in your life--folksongs for the afterlife

time (the revelator)--gillian welch

befriended--the innocence mission

the legend of blind joe death--john fahey

march 16-20, 1992--uncle tupelo

s/t ep2--califone

our endless numbered days--iron & wine

mouthfuls--fruit bats

...happy day after mother's day! i guess this mother's day was a little more meaningful to me than past ones because i've got a little human the size of a beanie baby residing and growing in my tummy, and i'm the mommy! i'm almost 18 weeks now...this is about how my baby will look by the end of this week...what a cutie!



...teddy & i are getting our apartment in order...we broke down and went to ikea yesterday cuz it was getting old having our computer on a file cabinet and eating off a nightstand or decorative table...we got the very functional leksvik coffee table, we created our own work table for under a hundered dollars, got the vium wilton rug (in blue) for our living room so i can do my prenatal yoga now, got the cute tassa rund rug with the paw prints on it for our foyer...the grundtal wall shelf and s-hooks for our pots and pans, and some other stuff...i can't believe we spent over 3 hours there! we still have to find a dining set, esp. if we wanna have people over for dinner, which we do...



...we're getting so domestic! sheesh...



...we had dinner w/ my mom & bro in glenview for mother's day...my mom got me some maternity shirts...i'm gonna have to lay down some guidelines or she's gonna go nuts and buy me stuff left and right, and then she's gonna buy the baby stuff left and right...she told me she's already visited marshall field's baby section...she's totally ready to spoil my kid, but it's not gonna happen...our baby's gonna be punk rock from day one...what that means, i don't know, but i know it won't include shopping sprees at major department stores or even old navy...now wouldn't it be funny if teddy & i do our best to be loving punk rock parents and then end up w/ an alex keaton? what am i talking about? we just spent a small fortune at ikea! we're just posers, yeah...



been listening to--

the ep--owen

misery is a butterfly--blonde redhead

smeared--sloan

danse macabre--the faint

s/t--elliott smith

...well, it's been two years and one day since i lost my daddy...and boy oh boy is he missing out...unless he's watching of course...i mean, teddy's one good looking son-in-law and sweet as molasses...and then there's the growing peanut in my tummy which is most likely the size of a plum tomato by now...my belly on the other hand could be harboring a good dozen plum tomatoes...



...which leads to the next thing my daddy is missing out on...his little girl in maternity clothes...



...that's right...i broke down today and went a'shoppin'...thank heaven for old navy maternity! oh my lord, i can't even describe how much more comfortable maternity clothes are, right down to my undies! i didn't want to do this so soon, but it just gets to a point that when you stop wanting to go to work cuz ya don't have anything clean that fits any more, ya gots to take action...the rent must still get paid, my friends, there's no denying that...



...so the next time you see me, i will be sporting my new capri jeans with spandex panel that will grow as i grow...and grow...and grow!



...i sure do miss my daddy though...but it's a lot less painful now that i've got somebody that showers me with love and affection like he used to...



p.s. maternity hi-cut briefs are the most unsexy underwear on the face of this earth!

...ok...the wedding...lemme say a few things about it before i forget...

...it was a small wedding with mostly family and a few close friends held in my aunt rebekah's back yard in glenview...rebekah is not my REAL aunt, but she's like my 2nd mom and has been a party of my family since my age was still in the single digits...it was probably the most comfortable place for me to get married because it feels like home to me...

...the few days before the wedding were nervewracking just because there was a lot to do and i was losing my mind...i ended up buying shoes and my shawl the day before the wedding, and teddy's suit wasn't ready until two days before the wedding...we printed the programs ourselves, ordered flowers from someone i found online, rented chairs from the house of rental, bought a bunch of toule from michael's, etc...lauren, teddy's little sister, made these really gorgeous origami flowers for the wedding favors...there was a red flower & a light blue (in lieu of aquamarine) one for each guest, which we tied to the little toule bags of trader joe's truffles & italian fruit candies...it took lauren forever to make those...

...as you can imagine, i spent quite a bit of time picking the music...there was a preceremony mix of indie rock stuff, and then for the prelude we played a bootleg of ian moore singing 'wedding day' by alejandro e. as well as rosie thomas's song 'all my life' off her latest album...the processional was to denison witmer singing 'songbird' which was originally a fleetwood mac song...teddy laid down roses in the aisle (we didn't have a flower girl, just a flower groom!) before my brother jim walked me down the aisle...

...and then it happened...the rain...as soon as i got to the end of the aisle where teddy was waiting for me, the little wet things started falling out of the sky...oh well...what can you do? i gotta give rand credit though...he got us through that ceremony in like 18 minutes, so we weren't too bothered getting sprinkled on...most of the ceremony was out of the book of common prayer, but in addition to nanette's scripture reading from 1 corinthians 13, john niekrasz, our brown jown, read a sonnet he'd written for our wedding called 'nuptial'...it was really lovely...also, instead of a unity candle, ted and i did a 'blending of lives' water ceremony...on a small side table, we had two bottles of water which represented our individual lives--aquamarine water for me and red water for teddy...we each poured the contents of our respective bottles into a 3rd bigger bottle to create a blended color, which is kind of a purple, to represent the new life we are creating together...we used denison's instrumental song 'sarah's bridge' which was a perfect 58 seconds for that portion of the ceremony...and then we walked out as mr. and mrs. d. to bill & VoL's 'you know (that is nothing new)' off of summershine...we didn't do a receiving line, but we came back and dismissed each row ourselves, and there was a lot of hugging and kissing going on...

if you have a snapfish account, you can see a bunch more photos from the wedding and reception right here...most of the photos were taken by our friend phil kaufmann (teal pheal) at the wedding and then by my friend connie kim at the reception...i toyed w/ the idea of doing my own photos for the wedding, but it wouldn't have worked...

...we had a lot of fun at the wedding and reception...maggiano's has such awesome food! they say that most brides don't get to eat at their own wedding receptions, but you can believe this one didn't miss out on any of the food...oh, and there was a lot of clinking of glasses going on...it was almost deafening at times...seems like ever other bite, we'd hear someone banging on their glass...so we did a LOT of smooching all night long, but we were only too happy to oblige! our families got along surprisingly well, considering the possible culture clash, and our brothers jim & dave did a great job introducing everyone...that's what was nice about it being so small...everyone got introduced...

...it was great having some of our friends and family travel all the way to chicago for the wedding, like ted's bro charles & his wife ali, ted's uncle and aunt from atlanta, john from iowa city, jozka from ann arbor, ted's cousin connie & her husband ben from iowa...

...now we're just recuping and getting settled into our apartment...