Cross Post: This Is What A Mommy Looks Like

(This was originally posted today on my Other Blog, but I thought it should go on my mommyblog too since it's, well, about being a mommy. Sorry if you're seeing this twice in your Google Reader or Bloglines!)

I'm not really sure why we have such a fancy-pants mirror hanging in our foyer. Plus, Ted's got it hung so high, I have to stand on my tippy toes to get any use out of it. Hmmm. Looks like it could use some cleaning...

Well, speaking of mirrors, I've been doing a bit of self-reflecting on my parenting habits lately. As I've mentioned recently, being a mommy has been hard these days. We've been waiting over two years for the Terrible Two's to end for Cadence, and we find ourselves in a corner, having to reevaluate how we relate to her. I don't think we've TOTALLY f*cked up, but I do feel justified in mourning the missed opportunities to do the things that would have establisthed trust and love and connection, rather than exhibiting our need to control as parents. And it's not like I don't know better since I've read so many books in the unconditional, peaceful parenting vein, but then again I DON'T know, at least not in the deep, non-book acquired non-cerebral sense of the word.

When we decided a LONG time ago that we didn't want to raise Cadence to believe that she had to behave a certain way for us to love her, I didn't realize how hard it would be to let go of my own experiences of the way I was parented--not only by my parents, but by society at large. I didn't realize how much I would care what others thought about Cadence and our parenting skills, so much so that I would try (usually unsuccessfully) to exert a semblance of control over my child in public because that's what we as parents are expected to do in our culture: control the fruit of thy womb lest thou suffer the universal disdain and judgment of all polite society.

It's amazing how much damage you are subconsciously willing to do to your child to avoid being labeled as a bad parent. I've cared so much about what other people think that I've neglected who Cadence is and what HER needs are. She is indeed a Wild Thing, but she does NOT respond well to methods such as being sent to her room without any supper (a reference to the the book; not something I've actually ever done). There are children who modify their behavior as a result of punitive measures (at least in the short run), and then there are children like Cadence. I know deep in my heart that punishments will do her absolutely no "good," not even in the short run. People may think that's because I don't punish her long or hard enough. While I entertain the possibility that through brute force I can eventually break her spirit so that I can make a meek, obedient child out of her, please tell me why the f*ck would I want to do that?

So the truth I see in all this is that Cadence is NOT an out-of-control, "spoiled rotten" and manipulative child. She may APPEAR that way to folks who have certain preconceived notions on how a "good" child behaves, but that is not who she is, and I know that. The truth is that I am afraid to let her be her aunthentic self because of my own fears about what others think of us and because of my own ideas of how I want my child to behave. And there's that f*cking word again. BEHAVE. Why the hell are we all so obsessed w/ OUTWARD BEHAVIOR???!!!

(I realize I'm rambling here, so I feel the need to insert a photo to justify the length of this post. It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't had real sleep since Friday night, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and why the heck am I apologizing on my own blog?)

Here's the thing. I don't want Cadence to be a puppet. I don't even WANT her to fit the definition of "good" that most people hold when it comes to children--obedient, quiet when told to be quiet, never prone to emotional outbursts, sits quietly at their desks and raises their hands to be called on in school, stands when told to stand, sits when told to sit. I don't want Cadence to ever fit THAT mold of "goodness," especially if it's out of fear that I won't love her unless she complies or out of fear of being punished. I DO want her to feel safe with us, her parents, to be who she is, even when that means exhibitions of strong, explosive feelings from time to time. I DO want her to feel that her opinions matter, even if they defy laws of [adult] logic. I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.

The REAL truth about Cadence is that she is so much more honest and authentic than I am. She does not hide her emotions, be they frolicksome or furious or forlorn. Nor does she hide her true opinions and wishes. She is creative, a connoisseur of fun, full of boundless energy and can out-dance just about anyone at a wedding reception. She is also caring and affectionate and devoted to her friends. She sees the best in people and is full of optimism.

And the REAL truth about myself is that I'm proud of her and wouldn't want to change any of that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For those of you who worry that this means I'm going to let Cadence do whatever she wants whenever she wants wherever she wants, please rest assured that this will not be the case. However, I do plan on changing the way I react to Cadence when she doesn't get what she wants (which usually results in high pitched shrieks that would make a dog cringe). If I have the presence of mind to apply what I know and believe by validating her feelings without judgement and by responding with gentleness and love, she usually responds much more positively than when I exhibit disapproval or try to change her. Old habits are hard to break, and unfortunately, I've been programmed from my own upbringing to try to control outward behavior (in myself and in my child) rather than to embrace authenticity.

And in case you're wondering, I'm currently reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Oh, Hey There!

Wait, has it really been FOUR FLIPPIN' MONTHS since I've posted here?! Holy Crimeny. I'm sure y'all have given up on me by now. So if a blogger blogs and no one's there reading it, does it really exist? Who knows...

Anyhoo. I have been posting EVERY FRACKIN' DAY over on the other blog. I can't guarantee how often I'll come back here to visit. I just couldn't handle a daily photoblog AND a mommyblog. I guess I needed a break. Posting a photo without having anything meaningful to say about it was a lot less stressful than talking about my life, I suppose, although I seem to have slipped more into that on the new blog as well.

Sorry if I've been out of touch. Part of is the other blog. Part of it is trying to spend less time blogging and more time w/ the family.

Hope y'all are having a splendid 2009!

I May As Well Give Up

I'm kinda sucking at this blogging thing lately, aren't I? I think my post this past Sunday on Shutter Sisters may explain a little bit of it. And I do still have my daily photoblog. Still, I feel like I've really dropped the ball around here, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover.

Nevertheless, time keeps marching on. And this is a photo of the last hug between Cadence and Rudden as pre-preschoolers. Rudden started his first full week of school this week, and Cadence will start going to a homebased preschool on September 30th.

My baby ain't a baby any more. In two weeks, she'll be 4. No longer a prime number. It's bittersweet, this growing up thing.

At least she still eats donuts on a Sunday morning walking around in her underwear.

And she still loves to play peek-a-boo, although usually in the more grown-up form of hide-and-seek.

We leave for beloved Seattle on Saturday morning. Things will be busy before, during and after. I'll try not to totally give up on this blog, but I can't make any promises...

Best Shot(s) Monday--Cadence, Cadence and More Cadence

This is Cadence lounging around on the dining room floor Saturday morning. She's waiting for our friend, her Uncle Erik, to wake up. He got in the night before super late, so she was asleep when he got there, and he was sleeping in Saturday morning in Cadence's playroom. As soon as she woke up, she wanted to go wake him up, but I made her wait. We went and picked up our vegetables, dropped them off at home, had breakfast at our local coffeehouse, browsed a little thrift store (where she picked up that Pooh bear on the floor for a quarter), and finally came back home close to 11am, at which point she planted herself on the floor outside Erik's door.

She occasionally got up to do a little dance or just run around, but for the most part she stuck to the floor and would ask every 10 seconds, "Is he awake yet? What's he doing?"

She finally couldn't contain her curiosity any longer and started spying on Erik through the crack underneath the door. Then she started saying, "I think he's awake now! I see his feet moving!"

Cadence ADORES her Uncle Erik, and Ted and I are also very happy to have him with us. For Ted, it's like a big sleep-over with his best friend, except instead of ghost stories and flashlights and candy and soda, it's lots of beer and a late-night showing of The Dark Knight.

So while the boys were at the movies Saturday night, after I put Cadence to sleep, I happened to check the mailbox and found that some fabric I'd ordered from Etsy had come in. I was so excited that I made a dress that very night.

The fabric is a cotton-linen blend from a Japanese designer, so this was my first time making something for Cadence that wasn't made out of a t-shirt. It's actually a lot easier to sew by hand than t-shirt material because it is stiffer than jersey. I loved how the 1/2 yard length was perfect for folding in half and making this dress. I also loved how I could use the edge of the fabric as the hem so that I didn't have to sew an actual hem myself. I think it's kinda cool to have the fabric name and that frayed edge as the hem.

FYI, I don't know how to use a pattern, so that dress was simply made by laying another dress on top of the fabric (which was folded in half) and tracing around the other dress directly onto the fabric. I made the shoulders where the fabric was folded in half, and then I just sewed the sides of the dress (before cutting the fabric)in an A-line shape, cut the armholes and neck, and voila! Dress! When Cadence woke up the next morning, I had her try it on, and adjusted the shoulders a bit by scrunching them a little at the top. I may still do something about the neck and armholes, maybe put an edge on it w/ a blanket stitch or something to keep the fabric from unraveling, or I may just leave it as is. I like things that are rough around the edges anyhow.

You can see more folk's Best Shots on Tracey' Mother May I.

Alright. Where Did I Leave Off?

Ah, yes. My cousin Inho was in town, and the cousins got together at his parents' place. His mom cooked a gourmet feast, and we stuffed ourselves silly. Inho comes to town about once a year, so it's a big deal. Cadence obviously had fun.

And here she is playing Uncle Inho's cello--upright bass style. I used to play the cello when I was in high school. It's something I'd like to do again someday. It's one of my favorite instruments, right there behind the melodica, banjo and accordian.

This is probably one of my favorite Cadence outfits. It's what Ted dressed her in on Friday. Those pants are around 6 inches too long (and probably 6 inches too wide too), and that's why she looks like a stackabones. Oh, and she actually ASKED me to take a picture of her picking her nose. She is obviously not embarrassed by it, although we're TRYING to get her to be a bit more private about it.

Friday night, Cadence and I went to a get-together at our friends Ryan and Jan's. Jan just got back from Portland, OR, where she was a Band Manager and counselor for Rock 'n' Roll Camp For Girls. We got to see a couple zines the girls had made, as well as photographic and video footage that Jan had taken. All I can say is, I'm definitely sending Cadence when she's old enough.

Saturday was our friend Mikey's big Graduation Garden Party. He recently finished Rolfing School in Boulder, CO, and is now back in the Chicago area.

Also gracing us with his presence at Mikey's party was Jozka in his mighty spiffy suit, all the way from Ann Arbor, MI. He brought the suit at my bequest so that I could have the pleasure of shooting photos like this one.

And this one...

And this one...

Plus I finally got to meet Leonard up close and in person. No, Leonard is not Jozka's twin. It's his mustache. What? You don't have a name for your mustache?

The prize for furthest travel to be at the party probably goes to Phil, who hitched a Craiglist ride at the last minute from Portland, OR. Yeah, he made that face right when I clicked the shutter. Impeccable timing, as always.

We had some kickass dueling gyile duets by Mikey and his friend Gina, accompanied by various people on the bell.

Even Cadence got to get a little gyil action in. She likes playing her little xylophone at home, so maybe she'll get into the bigger wooden pentatonic one when she's older.

So yeah, good times, good times. I was partied out by Sunday and skipped out on yet another party that evening at our friends Nathan & Bryn & Fischer's. Ted and Cadence went, though and stayed out past her bedtime. Of course, since I wasn't there, I have no photos to show for it. Well, at least I did some laundry, the dishes and vacuumed Cadence's room in anticipation of Uncle Erik's arrival Tuesday night.