Cross Post: This Is What A Mommy Looks Like

(This was originally posted today on my Other Blog, but I thought it should go on my mommyblog too since it's, well, about being a mommy. Sorry if you're seeing this twice in your Google Reader or Bloglines!)

I'm not really sure why we have such a fancy-pants mirror hanging in our foyer. Plus, Ted's got it hung so high, I have to stand on my tippy toes to get any use out of it. Hmmm. Looks like it could use some cleaning...

Well, speaking of mirrors, I've been doing a bit of self-reflecting on my parenting habits lately. As I've mentioned recently, being a mommy has been hard these days. We've been waiting over two years for the Terrible Two's to end for Cadence, and we find ourselves in a corner, having to reevaluate how we relate to her. I don't think we've TOTALLY f*cked up, but I do feel justified in mourning the missed opportunities to do the things that would have establisthed trust and love and connection, rather than exhibiting our need to control as parents. And it's not like I don't know better since I've read so many books in the unconditional, peaceful parenting vein, but then again I DON'T know, at least not in the deep, non-book acquired non-cerebral sense of the word.

When we decided a LONG time ago that we didn't want to raise Cadence to believe that she had to behave a certain way for us to love her, I didn't realize how hard it would be to let go of my own experiences of the way I was parented--not only by my parents, but by society at large. I didn't realize how much I would care what others thought about Cadence and our parenting skills, so much so that I would try (usually unsuccessfully) to exert a semblance of control over my child in public because that's what we as parents are expected to do in our culture: control the fruit of thy womb lest thou suffer the universal disdain and judgment of all polite society.

It's amazing how much damage you are subconsciously willing to do to your child to avoid being labeled as a bad parent. I've cared so much about what other people think that I've neglected who Cadence is and what HER needs are. She is indeed a Wild Thing, but she does NOT respond well to methods such as being sent to her room without any supper (a reference to the the book; not something I've actually ever done). There are children who modify their behavior as a result of punitive measures (at least in the short run), and then there are children like Cadence. I know deep in my heart that punishments will do her absolutely no "good," not even in the short run. People may think that's because I don't punish her long or hard enough. While I entertain the possibility that through brute force I can eventually break her spirit so that I can make a meek, obedient child out of her, please tell me why the f*ck would I want to do that?

So the truth I see in all this is that Cadence is NOT an out-of-control, "spoiled rotten" and manipulative child. She may APPEAR that way to folks who have certain preconceived notions on how a "good" child behaves, but that is not who she is, and I know that. The truth is that I am afraid to let her be her aunthentic self because of my own fears about what others think of us and because of my own ideas of how I want my child to behave. And there's that f*cking word again. BEHAVE. Why the hell are we all so obsessed w/ OUTWARD BEHAVIOR???!!!

(I realize I'm rambling here, so I feel the need to insert a photo to justify the length of this post. It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't had real sleep since Friday night, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah and why the heck am I apologizing on my own blog?)

Here's the thing. I don't want Cadence to be a puppet. I don't even WANT her to fit the definition of "good" that most people hold when it comes to children--obedient, quiet when told to be quiet, never prone to emotional outbursts, sits quietly at their desks and raises their hands to be called on in school, stands when told to stand, sits when told to sit. I don't want Cadence to ever fit THAT mold of "goodness," especially if it's out of fear that I won't love her unless she complies or out of fear of being punished. I DO want her to feel safe with us, her parents, to be who she is, even when that means exhibitions of strong, explosive feelings from time to time. I DO want her to feel that her opinions matter, even if they defy laws of [adult] logic. I DO want her to expect to be treated with dignity and respect regardless of her age and size.

The REAL truth about Cadence is that she is so much more honest and authentic than I am. She does not hide her emotions, be they frolicksome or furious or forlorn. Nor does she hide her true opinions and wishes. She is creative, a connoisseur of fun, full of boundless energy and can out-dance just about anyone at a wedding reception. She is also caring and affectionate and devoted to her friends. She sees the best in people and is full of optimism.

And the REAL truth about myself is that I'm proud of her and wouldn't want to change any of that.

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For those of you who worry that this means I'm going to let Cadence do whatever she wants whenever she wants wherever she wants, please rest assured that this will not be the case. However, I do plan on changing the way I react to Cadence when she doesn't get what she wants (which usually results in high pitched shrieks that would make a dog cringe). If I have the presence of mind to apply what I know and believe by validating her feelings without judgement and by responding with gentleness and love, she usually responds much more positively than when I exhibit disapproval or try to change her. Old habits are hard to break, and unfortunately, I've been programmed from my own upbringing to try to control outward behavior (in myself and in my child) rather than to embrace authenticity.

And in case you're wondering, I'm currently reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Three Thoughts Thursday #9 (or is it #10?)

#1—I was walking to the train one day when I passed an elderly dog of indiscernible breed hanging around his front lawn. He was a friendly type---the kind that always has a smile on his face, and I wasn't worried at all walking by him. His owner was on the front porch, just a couple yards away, and he called to his dog in such a gentle, amiable tone that made me smile to myself as I hurried to catch my train. It got me thinking about a quote by Gandhi that says, 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' (Thank you, Google) I think this is true. I then got to thinking about how it is considered inhumane to hit a dog or cat or most animals in this country, but when it comes to hitting a child it's considered discipline.

I suppose the Christians have at least a little bit of something to do with this. One little Bible verse in the book of Proverbs—'Spare the rod, spoil the child' has probably done more to mislead parents regarding appropriate discipline than all the other verses regarding love, gentleness, kindness, mercy and forgiveness combined have done to enlighten them. I know that there are now Christian groups who believe in grace-based discipline and do not believe in spanking. William and Martha Sears, who are often considered the spokespersons for Attachment Parenting, are in fact devout Christians. Still, most folks who grew up in Christian or church-going homes grew up being spanked. I know a lot of folks who were hit as a child say they turned out okay so spanking must not be that bad. To them, I say, you probably turned out okay DESPITE being spanked. I'm sorry, but I personally don't see how the assertion of one's superior physical strength or size over another of inferior strength or size can EVER produce truly positive, long-term effects, such as instilling a sense of SELF-discipline, or the sense of right and wrong that is based on internalized morals and not fear of punishment.

I do believe that parents have the responsibility to guide their children. To me, that is what The Rod in the verse from Proverbs is referring to. Shepherds use their rods to guide their sheep, not to beat them when they stray. I'm no expert on discipline. In fact, it's an area that I really struggle with in our home. I am convinced that rewards and punishments do not work in the long-term, if what I'm looking to do is to teach Cadence self-control and desire to do the right thing, not out of fear of punishment or the desire for a reward but simply because it is the right thing to do.

And yet, I understand why parents spank their kids. When you are being pushed to the limits of your sanity by a scrawny 36 inches weighing less than 30lbs, it can be so easy to just revert to how you were parented. I really think that unless we experience significant internal changes, and unless we equip ourselves with the tools to know better, we just can't help ourselves from becoming our parents. For those who were parented well, this is a blessing. For the rest of us, it's a source of frequent internal and external strife.

I didn't grow up with a lot of physical discipline. However, I do distinctly remember my mom telling me that she wanted to beat the tar out of me (loose translation from the Korean), and I never forgot that. I just hope I never say anything so hurtful to Cadence. It would be as bad as giving her a spanking, I would imagine.

I believe that there is another quote out there about how you can tell a lot about a people by the way they treat their young, their old and their sick or disabled. If there isn't, there should be. All in all, I do believe that our humanity is determined, for better or for worse, by how we treat the weakest, the most vulnerable, the frailest, the most dependent among us.

Which is why Jesus is my hero, even though a lot of the stuff that often comes packaged in Christianity drives me totally nutso. But that's another thought for another (Thurs)day.

#2—On a totally different note, will any of you respect me less if I wear gauchos? I know some folks don't have a problem with it, but others simply cannot stand them. I just can't find anything to wear to the wedding that is comfortable enough for me to move around freely so I can take photos. You see, to get some of the shots I want, I sometimes find myself in awkward positions, and I mean that in the physical realm. I've been known to do things like stand on high places, kneel or get my belly on the ground, and I don't want to be doing all that in a skirt. Gauchos provide a nice in-between. Ted doesn't like them at all, but I can't find another pair of pants that I like. And don't get me started about the top…

#3—Can I just say that I absolutely love Ted's new haircut? I made him go to art+science which is much more pricey than just a barber or Supercuts. I have to say, it's totally worth it. Best of all, he loves it too!

Cadence thinks the haircut is beautiful too. They sure make a good looking pair!

One Thought Thursday--I'm Lazy, What Can I Say?

When I chose to do certain things as a parent that some folks would consider attachment parenting, I have to admit that I didn't have visions of beautiful bonding moments with my child; they were for reasons of convenience and necessity as a working mom. Breastfeeding meant I'd always have food ready to serve without needing to measure, mix or warm up. Extended breastfeeding meant I'd always have a means of calming and comforting instantaneously, not to mention being able to give Cadence—ever the Energizer bunny—the equivalent of a sleeping pill every night. Co-sleeping meant being able to nurse and comfort without having to get up or entirely waking up so that I could actually function during the day and bring home the bacon. Babywearing meant being able to do things around the house and not having to lug a stroller everywhere, the technicalities of which I never fully grasped (I am severely mechanically challenged). If these things promoted attachment between Cadence and me, well that was an added bonus.

As she grew older, however, I wondered if my laziness had set us up for disaster. I mean, would Cadence EVER stop nursing during the night, with a midnight snack just inches from her face? Would she EVER learn to put herself to sleep without the sleep-inducing hormones in a nightcap on tap from mama's boob? Would she EVER wean herself, if we let HER decide when she was ready? Would she EVER be able to sleep by herself in her own bed without a warm body next to her?

It seems to me that the answer to all these questions is YES. She has already stopped nursing during the night for the most part through no effort of my own. Sometimes she stirs, but she usually just settles herself and sleeps through the night until after I've already left for work. She has also started getting in bed and putting herself to sleep for naptimes, but only with Ted. I don't try to force her to do it with me too because I get to put her down for naps only three days a week. But at least I know that she CAN do it. She obviously hasn't weaned yet, but I know she will someday. Now that she's cut out her pre-dawn session, she only nurses twice a day as it is.

As for sleeping in her own bed, I am personally skeptical of the notion that a child should be expected to sleep alone so early in life. I remember sleeping with my grandmother while my brother slept with my parents until I was at least 5 years old. For thousands of years, humans slept together in one family bed, so I think babies are hard-wired to want to be close to a warm body, probably as a built-in safety feature. I believe that humans are highly adaptable and therefore have learned to sleep alone from infancy during the last 100 years or so (at least in the Western world). However, I don't expect this of my own child, because I know her personality. Some babies are great in their own cribs and beds from the get-go. Others can gradually become accustomed to sleeping alone. Cadence happens to fall into the camp that requires a little more coziness during the night. Maybe it's because I am away from her so much during the day. Maybe it's just how she's hardwired. At any rate, co-sleeping gives me the opportunity to be in close contact with her for at least 7 hours during the night, and although we may be asleep through most of it, in our dreamy state, we soak in each other's presence and touch, and it diminishes the sadness of being separated for 10-11 hours during the day. Of course there are nights when I just wish I could sleep unencumbered all alone in a nice big soft bed. Overall, though, it's so worth it.