...do you know what i've got stuffed inside these maternity khaki's? i've got the world's largest water balloon in the making...yes, that's right...at least that's what it feels like i'm toting around these days...i guess i can expect the lower back pain to set in any day now...guess i better dust off that prenatal yoga video...



...in 8 days, we will be getting a new bed...finally! we got us a real nice comfy bed...the one more orthopedic surgeons sleep on than any other bed...and let me tell ya, we NEEDS that bed...i wake up every morning in one huge knot from sleeping on my left side...it makes sense that i'm in so much pain when you think about it...i mean, the distribution of my rather bulky frame of late is now resting on a smaller area than when i was lying on my back, so it makes sense that i'm putting more pressure per square inch on my body than i was previously...internal organs be damned, i miss sleeping on my back!



...you know what i was thinking today? i was thinking that i can't wait until my baby is old enough for sippy cups...you know...those plastic cups with the lids that have a built-straw so the kid can slurp out of it AND bat it around the kitchen without spilling? yeah, that's it...the reason i can't wait for my kid to use those is that i could really use a sippy cup...it's no secret to anyone who's shared a meal with me that i can't drink out of containers that have a wide mouth...take for example the lovely oceanblue eddie bauer water bottle that my honeybun let me get at the target the other day...the diameter of that bottle's mouth has got to be at least two inches wide, and that's about 1.75 inches too much for me...yeah, i spilled water all over myself again today drinking out of it...which is what got me looking forward to sippy cups...believe me, you'll be happy that i use a sippy cup too if you have to spend any mealtimes with me...of course, at work, i'd have to hide my sippy cup in a drawer or something...

skinny little eldery korean people in green hospital gowns break my heart...2 years ago it was my dad...today it was my mom...damn hospital gowns...looking like thrift store table cloths...swedish covenant hospital and their gowns...breaking my heart is what they're doing...



...the good news is, my mom is fine...she had an angiogram today to examine her heart because of the abnormal EKG she had back in december before her surgery...her arteries look good, so she won't need any further heart treatment...but still...the procedure took 6 hours, and my mom looked so pitiful afterwards...and just being in that hospital is a painful experience for the both of us...i don't know why she doesn't change hospitals...i feel haunted just living so close to it now...



...before my dad got sick, i just assumed my parents would live forever...when my dad got diagnosed w/ 1st stage pancreatic cancer, i thought he'd pull through and get better and still live forever...when 6 months later the cancer had spread like so many sea monkeys throughout his innards, it occurred to me that my dad might die...a month later, as i watched my dad struggle for his very last breath, i came face to face with mortality...that was a huge lesson for me, and i still haven't recovered...so seeing my mom in that same hospital gown in a hospital bed in the same hospital just scares me, even though the doctors say she's fine...because now i know...now i know that the people i love won't live forever...now i know that the people i love aren't immune to disease...now i know that i will have to see death again and again, especially as my years keep adding up...now i know that i too am subject to mortality...we're all on borrowed time...my mom may be fine now, but someday she won't be...



...and yet i have to cling to what little hope i can find and make the most of this time here on earth...the fact that i miss my dad so much must mean that his life wasn't lived in vain...and i think about this little life i'm bringing into the world...will i be able to teach my baby what my father taught me? about love and compassion, about courage and passion, about joy and sorrow, about grace and faith? i can only hope...

lullabye #3



the sun has long since gone to bed

the birdies' wings now hide their heads

so now it’s time to turn out the lights

now it’s time to say goodnight



soon the moon will rise and shine

soon the stars will cover the sky

but now it’s time to turn out the lights

now it’s time to say goodnight



your little eyes begin to droop

your tired yawns are enough to prove

that now it’s time to turn out the lights

now it’s time to say goodnight





so off with the lights and off to bed

i’ll tuck you in and kiss your head

we’ll say our prayers and sing some tunes

then dream of clouds and red balloons



soon the moon will rise and shine

soon the stars will cover the sky

but now it’s time to turn out the lights

now it’s time to say goodnight

so let’s say our prayers and sing some tunes

let’s dream of clouds and red balloons

sarah: can we name our kid 'woody'?

teddy: no.

sarah: can we name our kid 'guthrie'?

teddy: no...can we name our kid 'ernie'?

sarah: NO.



well, now i know where teddy got the name 'ernie' from...mr. ernie colnago, the maker of the italian race bike that teddy owns and is hoping to sell...teddy kept bringing up the name ernie, and i couldn't figure out where it was coming from...but now i know...



i'm kinda leaning towards the name 'carter' for a boy, after jimmy carter...you see, he was president when we came to this country, and that's who my dad picked his name after...yes, my dad's legal name was JIMMY...and i do really respect president carter, more than any other living president and most dead ones...he had a hard presidency, yeah, but look at his life out of office...i remember in the 3rd grade during the 1980 presidential elections, a couple kids including myself marched around the schoolyard during recess declaring that a vote for reagan meant a vote for war and so everybody should vote for carter...i don't think we realized that no one within hearing distance of our impassioned speeches could vote...i remember reading TIME magazine after the elections, and seeing a photo of jimmy carter dancing with his wife at the inaugural ball, and he looked so sad, and i felt so bad for him...



anyways, teddy isn't so keen on the name 'carter'...so it's back to the book of 40,001 baby names...



i started writing lullabyes yesterday...wrote the lyrics to two yesterday...i 'put down tracks' to one of them...by putting down tracks, i mean recording on microsoft's sound recorder, the packaged recording application found in your accessories folder...i did one track with vocal & guitar, and then i recorded another track in which i played the track i'd just recorded and sang harmony over it...it's like way totally lo-fi, but it's all i've got for now...i don't have any REAL recording software...teddy's gonna have to lay down a drum track later...but anyways, we're gonna make a whole album of these...



here's a link if you wanna hear this rough version...i've already decided to change some of the words, so there will be a new one, but here it is for now...now, remember, i don't really know how to play guitar and i don't really know how to sing either...this is a labor of love for our baby...



been listening to--

20th century masters, the 70's vol. 2--james brown

enternainment!--gang of four

a.m.--wilco

...see what a lovely card my teddy made for me? he heard through the grapevine that i was hoping he'd make some watercolors for me so i could put them up in my office, and so he made me this lovely piece for my birthday and gave it to me in a frame and everything...i hope he paints me a kitty sniffing daisies next...

...i don't know if it's the pregnancy or what, but i've gone outright kitty krazy lately...every feline i see roaming the neighborhood or observing the world perched in a window, i start whining and begging teddy to get me one just like it...there is this adorable kitty prancing around the street where we normally park that's a grey tabby with white paws and white tummy that looks just like my late youngest kitty cowboy a.k.a. 'bug'...and our upstairs neighbor has this beautiful calico kitty who sits at the window sometimes...*sigh*...as much as we both want a kitty, i think common sense will prevail and we'll wait and see how we handle a baby first...

...well, i'm totally ready for a 3-day weekend...yay! my cousins sherline & debbie are in town, and i haven't seen them since christmas, so it'll be good to catch up and show them my belly and stuff...

...teddy & i are starting to plan our longawaited honeymoon coming up in july...we're gonna go see our friends caleb & kathy get married in new haven, CT and hopefully visit josh & lielle and then honeymoon off to the upper east coast...don't know where or what yet, but it's gonna be lovely, i'm sure...our last trip before we become mommy & daddy d.