What I'm Listening to These Days

I definitely don't get around to listening to as much music as I used to, but I did go on a CD buying binge this past week, so I thought I'd mention it.

First of all, I finally got around to watching the movie Once on Sunday night. In fact, we were probably watching it the very moment that Glen and Marketa were accepting their Oscar for Best Song from that movie. We don't have TV reception, so I wasn't watching the Oscars, and since we haven't seen any movies in the theater this past year except for one kids flick, we had no interest in the Oscars and had no idea that these guys were up for an award.

So of course, the very next day, I ordered both the soundtrack to the movie Once, Glen and Marketa's album as The Swell Season, plus For the Birds by The Frames, the band that Glen fronts. I tend to be a completist, so I can see myself ordering some more albums by The Frames. I highly recommend them.

Second, I found out this week that my favorite kids musicmaker Elizabeth Mitchell and Daniel Littleton recently released a new album for their grown-up band Ida. I immediately went to their label Polyvinyl's website and ordered Lover's Prayer. It is lush, it is beautiful, it is haunting, it is most excellent. I highly recommend it.

Third, because I can't just order one CD at a time, I also ordered a couple albums by various incarnations of Mike Kinsella. That is to say, I ordered the latest (latest as in from November of 2006--I told you I'm behind) full-length from Owen (which is basically Mike Kinsella's current solo outfit) and the one full-length from American Football (which Mike fronted back in the late 90's). I haven't listened to the latter album yet, but I did listen to the Owen album (titled At Home With Owen) twice back-to-back tonight. I've been a fan since I saw him live at Schubas back in the latter part of 2002.

I have to admit that my affinity for the music of Owen is a guilty pleasure. Honestly? His songs are kind of whiny and cynical, lyrically. He obviously has spent a lot of time thinking about his life. But damnit, the boy makes beautiful music, and I can't help getting sucked into the melancholy. I know some folks can't stand emo of any sort (punk, folk, indie, whatever), so if that's you, you probably won't like this stuff. Me, on the other hand, I LIVE for that emo rubbish.

How to Dismantle Fear

I recently saw this on my beloved inspiration Jen Lemen's Flickr stream, and it hit me like a timely prophetic word. Dismantle Fear. DISMANTLE. FEAR. Yes, THAT is what I need to do. Take apart my fears one by one, render them powerless in my life. And maybe in doing so gain some hiddens morsels of insight as to who I am and where these fears have grown from and how to transplant courage and hope and trust and joy into those places where fear once had its roots.

Obviously, this will be no overnight task. You see, I am a woman of many fears. Spending your most formative years in a fundamentalist cult, being hurt in ways no child should ever be hurt, failing at relationships that you thought would last forever, watching your dad waste away before your very eyes. These are things that tend to plant seeds of fear in a person, seeds that eventually grow into stubborn weeds.

Well, I've started my personal process of Dismantling Fear, and I've decided to begin with the Fear of Not Being Worthy Of the Company I Keep. The lovely and talented Tracey of Mother May I presented me with the perfect opportunity to do this by inviting me to contribute to a new online community blog of women photographers called Shutter Sisters. When I looked at the list of amazing women who had already joined forces with Tracey, my first reaction was, "There's no way I'm good enough to be one of them. I'm just a cheesy mommyblogger!" I began my email to decline Tracey's offer. But then I realized that I have avoided being a part of anything that would potentially push my limits a bit and maybe, just maybe, make me GROW a little. I've always been so afraid of not being good enough. And yet, I knew from reading the blogs of these women that while they are intimidatingly talented, they are also kind and supportive and encouraging. So I said Yes to Tracey! And now I'm a Shutter Sister!

I am giddy with the prospects of collaborating with these women and other Shutter Sisters from all over the world, cyber and real. Please check us out! Better yet, join us!

More Ramblings

Burn-out. Isolation. Disengagement. Apathy. Complacency. Hopelessness. These are a few things I've been feeling from time to time. It's something I'm sure everybody deals with at some point. I just feel like there's something more to what's going on in my head and my heart lately than I'm fully able to grasp in the conscious realm (not to sound all mystical or anything).

For the past few years, I've felt that it was enough just to be a mom and to pay the bills. Both roles take up an inordinate amount of time and energy, that's for sure. Lately, though, I feel like I need to BE more. I don't really get it, but it's a feeling of needing to grow and stretch myself in ways I've been avoiding out of fear and laziness.

We're all broken in one way or numerous ways, and like anyone else, I'm looking for wholeness. I've avoided thinking about my broken parts and pieces for a long time, but they haven't fixed themselves, it seems, during my time of ignoring them. I've always had this need to keep myself together out of fear of totally falling apart. I'm still scared of that, but I think I can let myself unravel just a bit and see what happens.

Seriously, I'm just rambling here...It's Friday. I need a little grace.

Keepin' It Real...Or Trying To...

A while back, Ted mentioned that I should blog about something to motivate me to take action about that said something. I've been mulling it over because I don't really know how to blog about it, so I'm just gonna do it. My thoughts haven't crystallized, so if I sound like I'm rambling, that's because I am...

Anyhoo, one of Ted's passions in life is Voluntary Simplicity. Yes, I know you all thought all he was interested in is beer and homebrewing, but he's actually more complex and contemplative than I usually let on. I'm all for Voluntary Simplicity in theory. But when it comes to day-to-day living, man, do I totally suck at it.

For the past 3.5+ years we've been living together, Ted has been trying to get our family to minimize our possessions and to declutter our living spaces. Poor thing. You see, he married a packrat. Needless to say, it has not been a painless process for us. But I think I'm beginning to see the light. I recently had a daydream/visualization of the world just filling up with stuff and stuff and more stuff at an astronomical rate, and it really freaked me out. I can see that happening in our home, and it's really got to stop.

I like to think of myself as someone who is bucking the system, rejecting material consumption, and who cares about the environment. Truth be told, however, I'm sooooooo lazy at it, which makes me question my motives. Do I really care, or do I just want to keep up appearances because Green is the New Black [could someone explain this phraseology to me?]?

Anyhoo, I'm not being hard on myself or anything here. I'm just trying to sort out what's real, and if I've been faking it all this time, well, I gotta come clean one way or another...To Be Continued...Indefinitely...

Best Shot(s) Monday--Muted Autumn Colors

You know what I love about autumn? I really, really adore all the leaves floating down one, two, three at a time, creating piles and piles on the sidewalks and next to the parked cars in the streets. I know that's like a duh given, but I just don't ever get over the leaves. I love how they crunch under my feet as I walk to catch my morning train. I love how they mute all the colors around them to browns and golds and oranges with the occasional blazing crimson.

I love autumn because it is the season that gave me my Cadence, and I love that SHE loves watching the leaves fall from the sky, kicking them up into the air with her feet, pointing out that once all the leaves have fallen from the branches (she actually likes using the word 'branches' these days), that it will finally snow. Only a kid, or a kid at heart, or someone from a tropical climate, could get excited at the prospect of snow.

And while autumn means that death and hibernation are just around the corner, and that I will soon need to wear longjohns on my walks to the train--every now and then, you encounter a vestige of life from the summer past, and it is even more strikingly beautiful because it has now become so scarce. I've always enjoyed a little splash of pink next to the browns in my life, because there probably is no better color combination than pink and brown.

Go visit other folks' Best Shots for the week at Tracey's Picture This.