ok. this is for all my gal pals out there...it's a tad cheesy, yes...but cheese can be good, no?



this is actually an email i sent to one of my gurls to console and empathise...



somehow, we have to learn to be happy--thrilled--to be alone independent free women...even if we get our guy, there's no guarantee they'll be around forever...when we do find that one we love who will love us back the way we deserve, even then we must never forget how to be happy in solitude...



love good literature...good film...good food...good wine...good beer...good coctails...



always live out poetry, whether it's in words or deeds...



listen to good music...sing in the car, the shower, on the train, at work...



never conform to anything but what you want to be...



travel widely...keep your friends near...



find beauty in the mundane, the downtrodden, the overlooked...



soak in the mood of your surroundings and listen to the lessons they convey...



daydream...always...



here's a song by rosie thomas, called "wedding day."

i think we need to do a road trip...i can totally picture myself doing everything in this song...





so much for love i guess

i've been wronged but it's alright

cuz i'm moving on

i've got my car all packed

with cassette tapes and sweaters

and loose change and cheap cigarettes

i'm gonna drive through the hills

put my hand out the window

and sing until i run out of words

i'm gonna stop at every truck stop

and make small talk with the waiters and truck driving men

i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat

with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so great

it's gonna be just like my wedding day



yea, i've had enough of love

it feels good to give up so good to be good to myself

and i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination

but plenty of vision in mind

i'm gonna drive to the ocean

go skinny dippin' blow kisses to venus and mars

i'm gonna stop at every bar

and flirt with the cowboys in front of their girlfriends

it's gonna be so great

it's gonna be just like my wedding day



so much for love i guess

i've been wronged but it's alright

cuz i'm moving on

i'm gonna drive over hills over mountains

and canyons and boys that keep bringing me down

i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine

drink good wine at vineyards

and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by

never ever again



it's gonna be so great

it's gonna be so great

it's gonna be just like my wedding day



and the moral of the story, kids, is that we don't need a wedding day to experience the joie de vivre that can be found in simple things...everyday things...everywhere things...



long conversations about everything and nothing...confiding fears and dreams and wishes...filling out www.findyourspot.com together w/ another friend online while on the phone...hearing a friendly voice just prior to going to sleep...knowing your little brother is home safe and sound after a crazy road trip alone into the boondocks of wisconsin...creating playlists w/ other peoples' music collection...chewing on delicate savory morsels of beauty while reading rilke in the corner of a smoky noisy bar...hearing the voice of your best friend a thousand miles away while you swing on a lamppost oblivious to the cold and the crowd...high school friends who are your constant cheerleaders and companions...little sisters who sometimes act like your big sister...out-of-state friends coming into town for jeff tweedy concerts...sharing a cig while walking in the cold...having someone to eat your left over pizza and drink your left over beer...finding out that doug coupland changed someone else's life besides yours...listening to the sundays on the way to work on monday...making coctails w/ girlfriends esp. ones involving midori...



life is rich...

just got home from hanging out w/ my hyde park boys pete & carlos & carlos's roommate harris. no sam though. cuz he's lame.



we went to get indian food (man that's twice in one week for me! awesome!) up on belmont & sheffield. after a nice buffet, we went across the street to chicago tattoo company to look at tatts. i couldn't find anything i liked. i'll just have to keep looking. a tattoo is not something you wanna get lightly.



after looking at tattoos, we went to the rainbo club and had a beer and chatted. it was fun. i like hanging w/ the boys. they're so low maintenance. buy them a beer, give them cigarettes, and they're happy. that's the way i like it.



alright, i'm going to bed...i know i have to post on the owen show, but i promised ted i'd go to sleep now cuz it's really past 1am cuz we've been on the phone for almost 2 hours. we came up w/ some great ideas for extra cash though...but i can't talk about it here or some one might steal it.

saturday afternoon, pete & i tried to buy him a used car, but they kept getting bought before we even had a chance to leave hyde park, so we went downtown to do a photoshoot before he had to start work. it was rather depressing, and we were both uninspired...i don't know what i was thinking, going to michigan ave for a photoshoot (pete works in the saks 5th ave building @ 700 n. michigan)...it was cold...and there was a blustery wind of materialistic emptiness blowing around...we passed by these folks carrying huge american girl store shopping bags, and pete decided he wanted to go there to look around...not because we're into dolls or anything, but it's just that we've noticed that even though our economy supposedly went to shit, you still saw these american girl shopping bags EVERYWHERE...i too have witnessed this phenomenon...it's weird...



it was quite an experience...there were mobs of people in this huge store...you could literally spend an entire day (not to mention your entire fortune) in this place...there were little girls and not so little girls everywhere, carrying their dolls, some of them wearing the same outfits as their dolls...oh, yes...it's true...you can dress like your doll at this place...they've got matching outfits in human child sizes...and if you want your doll to have the same hair style as you, well, there's a hair salon for the dolls too...and then if you want your picture taken w/ your doll, there's a photo studio...and in between all these activities you can have lunch at the cafe w/ your doll...pete and i looked for the punk rocker doll but we didn't find one...



pete & i were hungry so we went to the food court @ water tower and had these really yummy tomato & portabello pizzas...neither of us really gets into all that mall energy...i don't know how pete works down there...i really believe there's a certain energy in those environments that are just not all that healthy...you know, like greed, materialsm, depression, loneliness...but i suppose that's everywhere these days.



so i need to shower now (yes, i just got up an hour ago and i'm still in my jammies) and meet up w/ pete. we're gonna look at tattoos today. he showed me the one he wants to get, which is this picture on his skateboard of a skull. it was a cool skull. i'm not so into skulls...they remind me of dead people for some reason. i want to have a tatt decided on so that when ryan comes to town maybe i'll do it...yeah, we'll see...



i saw mike kinsella (a.k.a. owen) last night do a show @ the fireside. megan & i went together after dinner. i'll be posting about that later because i'm starving and i don't wanna keep pete waiting...



i wonder where the hell sam is...

dreamed i saw butterflies...thousands and thousands of them...of such beautiful colors...it was incredible...they were in a field of red and green lichen...and i couldn't understand where they were coming from and why they were hanging out...



...my head is a mass of pain right now...a martini sized mango margarita and one weak vodka lemonade should not hang you over...i am such a lightweight...i've fallen behind in my liquid studies since the days of san francisco w/ josh...



i am surrounded by couples dancing into committment, and i on the other hand still dance alone...watching others fall into devotion is scary enough for me...but it is interesting to observe...



went out last night w/ connolly & megan...ate @ the northside then went to estelle's for drinks where olarn met up w/ us. i hadn't seen olarn since...since...shit, i think since the day we left new york in november...we spent an hour catching up on the phone while he was stuck in traffic...you know, when most of your best friends are guys, it's always weird when they get girlfriends...although w/ josh it's been ok because lielle & i get along just fine...i'd kick josh's ass from here to alameda if he ever let that one go...my group of single friends are slowly but surely becoming not so single any more...i wonder how many weddings i will be going to this year? i can't believe josh is getting married in like 9 months...like how soon is THAT?! shit...



josh called yesterday while we were all @ estelle's...i talked to him outside for a while...there's a pure delight that comes w/ talking to him still, even now...i've been thinking a lot as the winter's shade has gotten darker about the past year and some during which josh & i spent countless hours talking about nothing and everything...all those hours in my car watching orion move across the winter night sky...all those letters written while witnessing celestial displays and sunset firmaments...back in the days when he was in california and i dwelt in pacific standard time...san francisco didn't seem so far away then as beacon, ny does now...



it amazes me how much history josh & i have squeezed into an 18 month period...



after estelle's, the four of us went to the rainbo club to meet up w/ megan's friend matt and his best friend mike. we had met them when denison opened up for mike @ schubas back in november...i was kind of out of it and so i took photos, some of which i'm posting today...i liked the rainbo club...not too many yuppies there...i sat in the corner and read my rilke for a while in relative peace (aside from the fact that i had olarn leaning on me and connolly calling me on my cell phone from 2 feet away)...there was a watchers poster for the 1/11 hideout show up right at the entrance...that was cool to see...megan then insisted that i come over to her side of the bar where she was hanging out w/ matt...matt's really very sweet...he was nice enough to point out that i was wearing one of mike's pins, thereby saving me the embarrassment of seeming like a silly fan when i talked to mike...yeah, i know it's stupid, but i sometimes really dread talking to artists whose music i really admire...i am normally wearing TWO of mike's pins, one on my jacket & one on my purse...i had taken the one off my jacket, but i had forgotten about the one on my purse...



after closing time, megan & went over to see matt's apartment...we hung out...danced to mike's itunes on his ipod...i was totally getting into mike's collection of music on that computer...he had some of my favourite albums (although he didn't have disintegration which disappointed me because i still haven't found my copy...i might just buy another one)...i started making a playlist...mike came home later and surprisingly enough, i wasn't really scared of him any more...he really liked my choices in songs and put me in charge of the music for the night...he said something when i put on when you sleep by my bloody valentine (i guess he really likes them), and i told him that was the first mbv song i ever heard (courtesy of jenn & john, god bless 'em).



well, it was lovely to just play tunes all night...literally all night...didn't sleep hardly at all...fell asleep reading my rilke...he makes my heart so full sometimes...and then i dreamed i saw butterflies...i'd like to have that one again...



i'm actually going to see mike play tonight @ the fireside...i'm excited because i missed half his set @ schubas when denison played w/ him...there's a lot of rock & roll coming up...sweet jap @ the fireside tuesday, cursive @ the fireside again on wednesday, jeff tweedy @ the vic (WOOHOO) on thursday, archer prewitt @ the empty bottle on friday (probably won't make this one depending on what caleb & gang are up to) and watchers on saturday @ the hideout...and somewhere in there dickey's funky love bomb had better be giving me a private concert...yes, caleb and crew come to town on thursday (they better be...i've got tweedy tickets for the whole lot of them)!!!



anyways, i've been making note of some of the rilke stuff (letters to a young poet)...here's some stuff he said that really hit me:



"...you are so young, so before all beginning, and i want to beg you, as much as i can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer..." -- rainer maria rilke, from letter #4, letters to a young poet



i should get some more sleep...wondering what i should take for my head...



oh, by the way, i have revamped my photo page...i have created one page of my digital photos http://www.sarahjanerhee.com/photos.html and one of my (mostly) nondigital photos at http://www.sarahjanerhee.com/photos2.html. i've been trying to add more photos...



been listening to--

frigid stars--codeine

sound of confusion--spacemen 3

perfect prescription--spacemen 3

no depression--uncle tupelo

lost souls--doves

rehearsals for departure--damien jurado

loveless--my bloody valentine

10,000hz legend--air

in hospitable--beatnik filmstars

kingsize--the boo radleys

murray street--sonic youth

the everyday separation--absinthe blind

s/t--blur

blind--the sundays

laid back and english--beatnik filmstars

well, it's 2003...and here's how i'm feeling, in the words of the lovely neil halstead (of slowdive & mojave 3):



when was the day

when suddenly

all of the time rolled away

you were drifting along

having some fun

when you noticed the clock



suddenly everything

fell out of place

you burned all your bridges

cos you grew up too late

and the people you love

are just so far away

when you're drifting



ten years on the road

and you still can't make it back home

you were caught out on your own

still waiting for the whistle to blow



yeah...i feel like i'm drifting...



new year's eve was lovely...spent it w/ pete & sam @ redted's party & also w/ amy & josh & lielle via cell phone...met lots of lovely people...had some really really nice long deep conversations...



and all i want is a bed of rising room temp pizza dough in the winter and a bed of thick soft green moist moss in the summer...well, that's what i want today...



i was happy for 26 hours for mysterious incomprehensible reasons that are beyond the grasp of my mind.



been listening to:

lots of mojave 3 & neil halstead

being there--wilco

murray street--sonic youth

loveless--my bloody valentine

fun house--the stooges

other stuff...



p.s. i got to hear a copy of the watchers new cd...it was awesome!! i was really impressed...