there's a lot going on...my dad--well, my family is meeting tomorrow night to discuss arrangements while we still have a bit of sanity so that when my dad actually does pass away, the details will be taken care of. it's strange to have to worry about things like what funeral home to use, which part's going to be in korean, who's going to do the services, etc etc etc. we'll know better tomorrow morning after the results from tonite's cat scan as to how much time my dad might have left.

in addition to all this stuff about my dad, i had a long talk with tim white, the manager for bill mallonee who i saw play sunday nite. would you believe he's copastoring a church plant and he knew exactly what i was talking about when i shared my feelings about the church at large? i think in the process of talking to him, i realized that i haven't lost my faith. and that i actually had one to begin with. i didn't think a person with my objections and doubts could legitimately claim to have faith. but it turns out not only can i claim it, but whether i claim it or not, it's there.

i'm still too scared to go to church, and i'm still too scared to play that violet burning cd. but i may be going to cornerstone in july. this is something i never would've considered in the past, i mean who wants to spend 5 days with a bunch of christians? bruce told me i'd be the only heathen there. well, it turns out i'm not so heathen after all. but the violet burning...pedro the lion...damien jurado...denison witmer...over the rhine...miranda stone...five iron frenzy...starflyer 59...bill mallonee & the vigilantes of love...unwed sailor...stickman jones...aaron sprinkle...poor old lu...brooks williams...did i mention pedro the lion?...and the list goes on and on...i think i could stand being around christians if i get to listen to quality music like that. i hear they're mostly pretty cool christians anyways, not the ones who think that the bible being the sword of the spirit means use it to go for the gutteral on folks who don't believe the same as they do.

anyways, these photos are from tuesday nite's zero7 concert. they were totally awesome!

today's soundtrack:
firecracker - unwed sailor
things shaped in passing - the 6 parts seven
see the ocean blue - the ocean blue
summershine - vigilantes of love
various songs by denison witmer

since saturday, i've had a feeling that my dad is not going to last very much longer. i'm talking less than a month. the doctors seem to agree. he's got jaundice now and an infection that they can't locate. some of the doctors are surprised he's survived as long as he has.

i cried all the way down the tristate down the edens down peterson down lincoln down california round and round the hospital garage. i cried practically all afternoon. i've never cried in front of my dad before, but today he was so out of it he didn't even seem to notice. he was in and out of sleep, and so i cried. and the sky cried with me. the rain gave me comfort because somehow i didn't feel so alone. the sky has been such a friend during the day and the night; i can't explain what i mean by that. it just is.

tonight, my biggest fear was that if i left the hospital, my dad would slip away in the middle of the night when no one was there, and the thought of him dying in a hospital bed all alone literally broke my heart into a zillion pieces. my dad started coming to his senses later in the evening, and i think he sensed my distress and started speaking in that tone of voice you read about in books or see in movies--the kind where the kids are gathered around the dying parent as last words of wisdom are passed on. my dad spoke about the joys of a father-daughter relationship and how much he appreciated my compassion during this time. such formal words, but then again, my dad wrote a lot of sermons, so you know how it is...i then couldn't hold back the tears or the words that i've pretty much kept bottled up for my whole life and i told him how much i loved him, and that he was jesus to me when i couldn't see jesus anywhere else. i told him that his gentle reaction to my announcement that i was leaving the church and his unconditional love and acceptance were the truest experience of grace that i've known in my life, and that he's the reason i know i haven't left my faith behind completely. our family held hands and sang a couple really vintage vineyard songs (worship songs from church). it was the first time i had allowed myself to sing a worship song in months.

i'm not running back to the church just yet. i'm still far from that. but i can't deny this sense of the presence of another being in my life, a being that comforts and nurtures me when i am all alone. i'm really not interested in the church right now. but i am intrigued by what i suspect is the presence of god, a real and tangible presence, kind of like when you can literally feel someone else's presence when walking alone on a road, or when you feel someone staring at the back of your head. call me a kook, but i hear this stuff ain't all that nuts. i'm going to keep looking, and i hope this "presence" talks up a bit so i know what the deal is.

tonight's soundtrack was entirely made up of various songs from all of denison witmer's albums

got a call from the hospital. it is as i feared. the doctors are telling us to get ready. funny how your heart can be torn out of your chest and trampled to shredded goop by mere auditory signals transmitted over a wire. everything else is on hold. i'm off to the hospital. it's for days like this that i keep that denison mix cd in my cd changer at all times.



show some love to somebody other than yourself today, even if it's just to a cat. send an email to a friend you haven't spoken to in ages. pick up the damn phone. there is so much we neglect to feel on any given day because we do not value the life we've been given. so much time and energy wasted on what we wish for or what could've been and not on just being.



peace out--



i was listening to damien jurado's i break chairs & the trouble w/ sweeney's dear life & the vol's audible sigh before all hell broke loose.

ok, so my little plan to take a nap has been foiled by a big package from burnttoastvinyl waiting for me when i opened my front door. if you've never been to btv, i highly recommend it. i get lots of great cds there. also pastemusic.com while i'm advertising. currently listening to unwed sailor's firecracker ep. you know, i think listening to instrumental stuff is better for blogging. my mind is cluttered as it is--i really don't need to be hearing someone else's voice forming words outloud while i'm trying to form my own words in my head.

well, no nap but my headache is gone hallelujah and i really mean it. i was in so much pain earlier i found myself subconsciously invoking the holy spirit for help, and i haven't done that in like i don't know how long (except to pray for my dad of course, but he's dying of cancer; what else am i supposed to do?). anyways, i'm off to the double door to catch zero7. for a few hours, i will forget that i have torture waiting for me at work tomorrow.

update on my dad: his condition seems to have plateaued (those of you just joining this blog, refer to the entry of april 3rd for background info if you care, otherwise, go check out my new concert photos: stickman jones and early day miners and songs: ohia). actually, in some sense, he's worse. they had to take him off the food because he just couldn't digest it, and so he's back on intravenous sugar solution. and his surgical incision has been showing signs of infection. his temperature is not always stable--fever one day, normal the next. he's been in the hospital since 3.21, and i'm really anxious to get him home. he'd get better so much faster i think if he were home, but there's no way they'll let him out until he can eat. i hate seeing him this way. my mother & i have practically become part of the furniture on the 3rd floor of swedish covenant. and to make things worse, the gentleman who was sharing my dad's room died suddenly in the middle of the nite friday. i had listened to his entire conversations w/ friends and family. he was scheduled for a colonoscopy in the morning, but he died quite unexpectedly before dawn. now i'm freaking out that my dad might not make it through the night. i know it's unnecessary torture i'm putting myself through, but i saw that man's teenage daughter take off from the hospital after a little spat w/ her dad, and to think that was the last interaction she had w/ him...i just feel so bad for her. it really makes you think about the way you treat people and how you take the ones closest to you for granted. fact is, none of us knows how long we're here for. it's easy to say live like today is your last day on the planet, but who really does that? i mean, you have to balance that out with paying bills and eating and laundry, you know? like if today were my last day, i'd get nothing done. anyways, i guess we all just need to think about what really matters in this life and come to terms w/ the reality of death and be at peace and all that jazz and just love the people we're blessed to have in our lives right now and show kindness and compassion to those who really need it and to those who don't. i guess that's what random acts of kindess are. well, that's my spiel for the day. i gotta get out of these work clothes and into something more suitable for the double door.
today's soundtrack:
tails - lisa loeb
control - pedro the lion
blind - the sundays
davy jones' locker - the ocean blue
soul's core - shawn mullins
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
from the nest of idea - scientific
firecracker ep - unwed sailor

i have a splitting headache...this compensation survey i'm doing for work is kicking my butt big time. if i think about it too much more, i may start hyperventilating. i just want to crawl under my desk and hide for a week or so...i need some migraine drugs...i took my last pill...somebody put my out of my misery!!!! ouch...one of these days, i'm gonna get it right. i am feeling a bit delusional right now to be perfectly honest. my eyes are bugging out from staring at a computer screen all day trying to make heads or tails of this crazy assignment. it's starting to look like english...like really old archaic english circa 900 AD...

all right, enough bitchin and moanin. i think i'll take a little nap before the zero7 concert tonight. i'm definitely going to need it. the good news is that my boss let me pick which day i want to work from home next week first (usually, she picks when she'll be at home & i pick a different day). so i picked the day after the pedrotheliondamienjuradotwwalsh concert!! that means i can stay up late and still get decent sleep before i roll out of bed and start working around 8:30am! hopefully, i'll be able to pick my telecommuting days to coincide w/ the mornings after mid-week concerts all the time. i know i have a couple more in may.

oh, and since i'm too busy and too tired to take photos, my pal josh robertson will be today's guest photographer for my blogger. he can do wonders w/ that face of his and a cheap logitech webcam. this photo to the left is a depiction of josh's favorite yahoo emoticon. a striking resemblance, i must say.