tonight, at a friend’s recommendation, i went out and bought book of my nights by li-young lee, a chicago area poet. i had read lee’s poetry before but not an entire collection. after i bought the book, i parked at the home depot on north ave & throop, planning to walk over to the bridge to take some photos of the chicago skyline. but by this time, there was a steady rain falling, so i decided to wait in my car. in the meantime, i decided to read my new book of poetry.

from the very first poem, i was overwhelmed by the beauty and power of the words and the imagery and emotions they evoked. i was in tears by the 7th poem, and by the time i got to the poem little father which is about the poet’s father’s death, i was literally sobbing, barely able to get the words out of my mouth as i read. i could relate so much to what the poet was expressing, and i was so moved to find my own emotions and experiences captured so beautifully in words by a perfect stranger.

many of the poems were about the poet’s experiences of the night over the years from childhood on. i personally love the night as a special time when i seem able to feel more deeply than during the light of day. i have so many special memories of nights that i spent thinking and feeling and dreaming and wondering as i sat in my car looking out into the immense night sky. also, the poet’s father was a pastor, just like mine, and the family had experienced immigrating from a homeland on the other side of the earth, just like mine. the poems felt so familiar to me, like friends from my childhood whom i’d forgotten and yet still loved. i can’t really express in word how these poems made me feel, so i’m just going to end by sharing one of those poems.

Little Round by Li-Young Lee

My fool asks: Do the years spell a path to later
be remembered? Who’s there to read them back?

My death says: One bird knows the hour and suffers
to house its millstone-weight as song.

My night watchman lies down
in a room by the sea
and hears the water telling,
out of a thousand mouths,
the story behind his mother’s sleeping face.

My eternity shrugs and yawns:
Let the stars knit and fold
inside their numbered rooms. When night asks
who I am I answer, Your own, and am not lonely.

My loneliness, my sleepless darling
reminds herself
the fruit that falls increases
at the speed of the body rising to meet it.

And my child? He sleeps and sleeps.

And my mother? She divides
the rice, today’s portion from tomorrow’s,
tomorrow’s from ever after.

And my father. He faces me and rows
toward what he can’t see.

And my God.
What have I done with my God?

today’s soundtrack:
the stability ep—death cab for cutie
mix of 23 denison witmer songs
dj—the juliana theory; speechless—the juliana theory; pictures, stars, and dreams—the juliana theory; week long embrace—the juliana theory; goodbye—emmylou harris; driving—everything but the girl; walking to you—ebtg; two star—ebtg; i love you—sarah mclachlan; born of longing—simon joyner; hold back the night—sinead o’connor; goodnight lover—songs: ohia; behind—the ocean blue; between something and nothing—the ocean blue; been down a lot lately—the ocean blue; consolation prize—the ocean blue; angel of may—damien jurado; independent—damien jurado; sarah—damien jurado; halo friendly—damien jurado; a movie script ending—death cab for cutie—coney island—dcfc; thickened light—mighty flashlight; easy—the promise ring; the state i am in—belle & sebastian; california stars—billy bragg & wilco; a case of you—joni mitchell; winning a battle, losing the war—kings of convenience; the weight of my words—kings of convenience; she broke you so softly—mojave 3; love songs on the radio—mojave 3; birds—neil young; wrecking ball—neil young; place to be—nick drake; hanging on a star—nick drake; shadows—red house painters; have you forgotten—red house painters; april after all—ron sexsmith; while you’re waiting—ron sexsmith

postscript: don't know how this thing got so darn long, so i apologize to myself and anyone else who thinks they're going to read it.

written late late late tuesday 4.30.02--so i took an inventory today of everything i’ve consumed since saturday morning, and here’s what i came up with: 1 granola bar, a veggie burger & fries, 1 rolling rock, sesame bread sticks, veggie burger, popped brown rice, dinner roll, 2 pop tarts, veggie kabob, veggie burger, animal crackers, and another veggie burger. there seems to be a theme here along the lines of the veggie burger, because that has been my one main meal every day for four days. strange, because i didn’t even plan it that way. thank god for veggie burgers. but i know i need to eat more regularly. if my dad knew what my dietary habits were these days, he’d have a fit. eating is just not that enjoyable an experience these days.

today was kind of a big day for my family in that we had to talk about some really difficult things. first, we met with steve nicholson, my dad’s pastor, to discuss the funeral ceremony. then we talked about bringing my dad home and whether to go the in-home care through the hospital route or in-home hospice care route. my mom is having a very difficult time accepting the inevitability of my dad’s death, and i’m having a hard time watching my dad suffer. when i asked my dad what he wanted, he said he was stuck in between wanting to go to be with jesus and wanting to stay as long as possible for my mom’s sake. so i called the pastor of the hyde park vineyard rand tucker who was my small group pastor years ago, and who’s been a pastoral support for my parents during this time. he helped me to realize that as much as i wanted my dad’s suffering to end, that i had to consider that my mother is not as ready as i am to let him go, and that there may be some unfinished business between my dad and mom or even amongst our family, and that although my dad is suffering, it may mean more to him at this ending point in his life to have the opportunity to give what he can to the family while he is still capable of giving love. after hearing this perspective, i’m more able to bear with my own personal agony over watching my dad suffer because now i realize how important a time this is for him in reaching closure and being a loving husband and father even in his death.

i had a long talk today with my friend clement. clem & his wife lizel have been two really really treasured friends of mine for 5 years. lizzie is one of the most genuinely compassionate and loving people i’ve ever known, and clem has been like a brother to me and we have great conversations because we both like to discuss a broad range of topics. anyways, clem said he’s been reading my blogger and noticed that i didn’t write anything about bruce. i said, yeah, i haven’t really wanted to discuss him. well, because clem brought it up, i’ve decided to explore this issue of bruce on this forum. whatever i write though should be taken with a grain of salt because i’m probably biased on the subject.

so who is this bruce. well, simply put, he’s the husband i’m currently separated from. which explains all those blogger posts about living on my own for the first time. it’s a difficult, complicated situation. bruce is a devoted christian and a good man. i’m an awful quasi-mixed-up christian who doesn’t like being associated with the church, and i sometimes refer to myself as a spoiled wretched little brat. we had a mediocre to a lousy marriage. even bruce admits that we’ve never had emotional intimacy during the whole time of our marriage. it’s not like we fought or anything. as a matter of fact, we never fought; we’re both so laid back we just let things slide. people say it would have been better if we’d fought. part of it was that bruce & i were on two different spiritual planes. he was pretty happy w/ god and spent hours studying theology, the bible, praying, and writing worship songs. i was mostly spiritually dead since marriage and felt like i’d been going through the motions for years.

anyways, we’d been living separate lives in the same house since last summer (mostly me doing my own thing and bruce not saying anything in response), and in november, i finally told bruce i was going to leave. i know you’re not supposed to blame anyone, and i think we’re both responsible, but i have to own up to making the decision (whether conscious or not) to cut the emotional ties long ago. many of our friends were shocked and don’t understand why i don’t get us some counseling and try to work things out. to be honest with you, i don’t have the energy to do that. i know it sounds like a cop-out, and maybe it is, but i can’t even explain the psychological agony these past few years of hating the life i had. having been raised in a strong christian environment, i was pretty much programmed to view divorce as not an option. maybe if i had sought counsel when i first started feeling this way, things would’ve turned out differently. i know there are so many things we could have done differently. but we didn’t. i don’t like being a quitter, but i really don’t have the energy, will or desire to give the marriage thing another chance. that sounds so awful. i guess it is. i'm breaking vows that i didn't understand but nevertheless made at the age of 22.

on the other hand, bruce hasn’t really put up a fight or tried to change my mind or make any indication that he actually wants me to stay with him. i don’t really feel wanted by him any more. maybe it’s because i became unbearable as a wife towards the last year or so that he’s in some ways relieved. actually, i think he used those words when we were discussing my leaving some time ago.

so this whole thing with bruce has forced me to face quite an array of issues. first, the whole girlhood dream of having a man complete my life has pretty much been shattered. which isn’t a bad thing, in my opinion. all my life since i started dating back in high school (like 14 years ago), i always thought i needed a boy to be happy, and i never learned how to be happy with myself without one. i had the odd notion that the thing to do after college was to get married, and that’s what i did. secondly, i’ve realized that the idea that being a christian makes you immune to things like divorce is a myth. being a christian doesn’t guarantee a rose garden of a life. thirdly, i’ve learned that loving someone can be hard work and you can’t neglect it. i made the mistake of ceasing to choose to love when i no longer felt love. fourthly, i have to face the fact that i’ve changed radically since i got married 7 years ago. i didn’t know who i was or what i wanted back then—i was escaping into marriage because i thought it would solve all my problems. well, it obviously didn’t, and i know now not to expect any one person or relationship to be a panacea for all my insecurities and fears.

so now that i’ve learned all this, why don’t i try to work it out? simply put, because i’m weak, i’m tired, and i just don’t want to. let’s leave it at that for now. at the advice of some clearheaded people, i’m putting off the actual legal proceedings until i’ve dealt with my dad’s death first, although my original plan was to have the divorce finalized by now. some people have asked since i was coming to terms with my faith whether that meant i would try to work things out with bruce. i wish i could say yes...no, scratch that. i don't really wish that i could say yes. it just seems like what people would want to hear. but i won't lie. i have become so apathetic to that relationship that it is very hard for me to consider reconciliation at this point. and i really feel like bruce has moved on, although he probably wouldn't admit it.

alright. i’ve said my piece on bruce. now there’s really nothing i haven’t talked about on this forum.

anyways, these photos were taken with my new fish eye lens for my nikon coolpix. i rather like the effect. i was supposed to have this lens yesterday for the pedro/damien show but the wolf camera guy put the wrong lens in the box, and i had a normal wide-angle lens instead of the fish eye. that’s too bad—it would have been interesting to see the results from those concert photos w/ this lens. oh, and that stuffed fish is my roommate Blue, who i sleep with for warmth

today’s soundtrack?
yesterday, tomorrow—denison witmer
breathe in this life—denison
reaching—denison
healing time—denison
everybody knows—denison
from location is everything vol.1—jade tree various artists (lukewarm—new end original; kicking the lights—girls against boys; gunner—denali; high uinta high—cub country; shrink to fit—milemarker; ballet skool—mighty flashlight; emergency! emergency!—the promise ring; smile—onelinedrawing)
medication—damien jurado
johnny go riding--damien
tonight i will retire--damien
ghost of david--damien
paperwings--damien & gathered in song
slow and steady wins the race--pedro the lion
like a radio--over the rhine
poughkeepsie--over the rhine
latter days--over the rhine
time has told me--nick drake
saturday sun--nick drake

a strange thing happended on the way to the front of the stage at the pedro the lion concert. as i was weasling my way through the crowd to position myself for photos, some guy stopped me because he recognized me from this website. turns out one of his coworkers is the guitar player for one of the bands i photoed and that's how he saw my site. like what are the chances that i'd bump into him at a ptl concert? well, whatever the chances were, that's what happened. not only that, i used to go to church with his sister, and had even met him on an occassion. this world is a strange small place sometimes.

so yeah, pedro the lion--david bazan & crew totally rocked. his latest album is kind of in the vein of the last one (winners never quit), a bit harder with definitely more biting lyrics than previous albums/eps. it's really challenging to listen to. someone in the crowd asked him if he was a christian. i found his answer interesting. he said he believes everything the bible says about jesus, but he doesn't like to identify himself with christianity. he didn't go into details, but from what i know of the interviews he's given, i think he means that he doesn't want to identify with a system that has in many respects earned itself a bad name through its elitism, judgmentalism, lack of mercy, and legalism. i can relate to that, although i probably don't agree with everything david may say on the topic. i don't expect to find the perfect church, and it's not just w/ a specific church that i have issues. it's more the church at large. it really bothers me that so many people who are not christians associate christians w/ narrowminded right wing american dream chasers. and i don't think they're always inaccurate in their stereotypes. i am discouraged at how clueless and disconnected so many christians are from the real world, myself included even though i'm still only on the outskirts of the Church. okay, i know i need to respect individual choices, and i guess that means even the choice to shelter oneself from the rest of the world by becoming submerged in a culture of, by and for christians--christian music, christian books, chrisitian radio, christian tv, christian friends. i'll try to respect that choice, but i don't get it. and to be honest, i don't respect it. let's just leave it at that.

anyways, damien jurado opened up for pedro. i've really been digging damien's stuff lately. he's so versatile as a songwriter and musician. i enjoy his softer more acoustic songs as well as his edgier more electric stuff. tonight's concert was mostly of songs from i break chairs, known by some as damien's "loud" album. i suppose "loud" is a relative term...

the first act to open up was tw walsh (i don't know why i'm going in reverse order--it just came out that way), the only cleanshaven frontman of the 3 acts. i hadn't heard too much of him before. he's kinda new. he reminds me of old pedro songs (circa it's hard to find a friend) being sung by a mix of jason molina (of songs:ohia) and simon joyner. i don't think he has that many songs recorded yet, so we'll see how he progresses w/ time.

well, that's enough about concert stuff. i don't know when my next show will be. depends on my dad of course. besides, i'm sure i'll tire of this 2 shows/week schedule. i'm not as young as i used to be (and i really sensed that looking around me at the concert tonight. my cousin kris & i figured we were probably the 3rd & 4th oldest people there, and i just keep getting older for some reason. next month is when i hit that dreaded milestone birthday that i have been putting off for the past 30 years. crimeny. that looks like such a large number. they're so...round and big looking. i just hope i get to see mark eitzel my last night in my 20's.

today's soundtrack:
you know, the usual. and actually a bunch of worship music because it calms and comforts my dad, and i guess at this point i'd sit through just about anything if it'll provide any type of relief for him.

during the past few days, i've seen a lot of people visit my dad at the hospital, and i realized how much of an impact my dad has had on people's lives. i'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of affection and concern by those who have visited, many with tears streaming down their faces unable to believe that this may be the last they see of my father while he is alive. and although my father's body is being eaten from the inside by cancer, the doctors have expressed surprise at how alert and intact his mental faculties are. yes, he often says things that don't make sense entirely, but i've been amazed at how he receives these grieving guests and imparts words of comfort and that smile of his that can only be described as purely angelic. and i'm deeply comforted by the numerous lives who have been touched by my father's love and compassion over the years. i know that whenever i see or hear from these people, i will sense the gentle imprint of my father's heart in their lives.

i don't think my dad has much time left at all. maybe a little over a week at the most. his respiration has become irregular, and he declared himself DNR this morning. that means as soon as one of his vitals goes, it's pretty much over. my mother started sleeping over at the hospital tonight. i'm going to take the day off of work tomorrow to let her go home and get some rest while i stay with my dad. it's been hard watching him being as helpless as a person can be. when he sleeps, and his breathing becomes so infrequent, it seems like an eternity between each inhale, and i find myself holding my own breath in anticipation of his next.

i am holding my heart with both hands, trying to keep it in one piece, even though it's cracked in a million places like a wall of old plaster. tomorrow i will be seeing pedro the lion and damien jurado, both of whose songs have really meant a lot to me during this time. i just hope i can keep myself together during the concert. i mean, it's one thing to cry at church during worship, but breaking down at a show at the metro--ok, i guess it could happen. although i'm not going to as many concerts as i planned, i'm still trying to catch shows here and there because live music seems to be the only relief i can get from the constant emotional distress and my already begun grieving process. i almost didn't go to see over the rhine saturday night though, because i stayed late at the hospital, and it was raining, and i was quite discouraged. but at the last minute i went and got there an hour late, but in time for OTR. i'm glad i went. it seems that when i see live music, i somehow am rejuvenated so that even though my problems don't go away after the band has played the final encore, i've gotten back on my feet so that i can plod along yet again. if it weren't for the shows i've been seeing, i would be no good as a support to my dad or my mom right now. yeah, it's an escape mechanism, but let me tell ya, that's exactly what i want at the end of every night, a way to escape the emotional mess i'm in. call me weak. call me a coward. i am what i am, and i'll take my live music twice a week so that i can face the morning without falling to pieces.

today's soundtrack:
ghost of david - damien jurado
it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
the only reason i feel secure - pedro the lion
mp3s:
little blue river/in the garden - over the rhine
latter days - over the rhine
come let us return - kevin prosch
will you find me - american music club
waiting for the moon to rise - belle & sebastian
at my window sad and lonely - billy bragg & wilco
i didn't understand - elliott smith
where will i be - emmylou harris
the heart remains a child - everything but the girl
winning a battle, losing the war - kings of convenience
singing softly to me - kings of convenience
save me - aimee mann

my dad's ct scan revealed that the cancer has spread to the liver and other organs. it should be relatively quick from this point. he's pretty much sleeping all the time and gets confused and disoriented. tonight i kept watch by his side as he slept. i just can't believe that he's leaving me. i really think this is going to break me worse than anything else i've ever experienced. i just wish he didn't have to suffer; it's so hard seeing the lines of pain crinkling up his face even in his sleep.



i am going on 42 hours without sleep. i don't feel so bad though. i probably could have done medical school if there weren't textbooks involved. oh, i did finally finish that damn compensation survey that was kicking me around like a rag doll this whole week. no wonder my boss was so happy when i volunteered to fill that thing out. i had no clue what i was getting into.



i suppose i'm exhausted. my sinuses are so congested from a combination of crying for hours and allergies that i literally went through half a box of kleenex since i got home. i feel pretty awful right now. i guess i'll go to sleep now.



soundtrack today:

see the ocean blue - tob

it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion

summershine - vigilantes of love

engine - american music club

davy jones' locker - the ocean blue

misc songs - the smiths