Friday, July 11, 2003 at 6:53PM it's amazing how low you can sink beneath the weight of selfdoubt and fear...everything once clear fades to a dim...
...and you wonder how it is that an eternal and infinite and unfathomable being of pure goodness and love would take an interest in a speck of dust like yourself...and you want to stop saying 'no, thank you' and just fall into that shimmering pool of grace...
lady gregory, come forth...i need a word with you...
Friday, July 11, 2003 at 1:08PM 
ok. urban hillbilly quartet photos are right here...did i mention how much they ROCKED at cstone?!!! they were sometimes a 3-guitar outfit...like real southern rock! but different of course...i missed mikey on fiddle...but he's busy fighting polio off in the heart of darkness...
oh, and more reviews on watchers' 'to the rooftops' album--
this one says teddy's a brilliant drummer, which he is, he he he:
http://www.aversion.com/bands/reviews.cfm?f_id=1145
this one says more nice stuff about the drummer:
http://www.popmatters.com/music/reviews/w/watchers-totherooftops.shtml
the rollingstone had comments too...
http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/cd/review.asp?aid=2046429
Friday, July 11, 2003 at 6:48AM DISCLAIMER: this following post is depressing...
i live in a culture of nontrust and fear and selfabsorption...all that emo vulnerability on one end of the spectrum and indie detatchedness on the other is a facade to hide the reality of fear and loneliness and emptiness that lodges itself as a lump in the throat that's grown way too large to simply swallow...pseudospirituality is the bandaid applied to the gangrene in our hearts so that we don't have to wrestle with this being that pursues us in our dreams and in our waking trances...this being that we don't want to admit has a name because that name is blasphemous to the culture we've created, this culture in which the individual is supreme and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise...this being, this beauteous being...chasing you...chasing me...like a lover searching for her beloved in the dark streets of this vast and lonely city...
...a ragged looking indie rock couple asks you for a few bucks so he and his wife, who've just trekked across the country from california, can stay the night at a hostel, and you are automatically suspicious, and it's not just because of the joint he's got in one hand...how do you know they really just arrived from california and are looking for a room and not more drugs? but you supress your judgment of who they may be and what they really want and you hand over the last dollar in your pocket as you wish them luck, comforting yourself with the thought that they really may be just looking for a decent bed to sleep in...but you think to yourself that you just gave them joint money...
...big deal...call me naive...i gave a dollar to a dude who was smoking a joint on division st. at 11 pm on a thursday night...maybe i should've offered them my sofabed instead...or my own bed, which isn't all that comfortable, and they'd have to deal with the cat...maybe i was hoodwinked into supporting their weed habit...but maybe, just maybe, they really did need the money...maybe more than a dollare or two, what they needed was for someone to look them in the eye and acknowledge them and wish them good luck in all sincerity, even if that someone was someone they happend to be conning out of a dollar at the moment...
...maybe none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things, but it's all too apparent to me today. last night, lately, right now, that trust is not characteristic of the culture--or any of the subcultures for that matter--which i inhabit...trust is not characteristic of who i am as a person either...am i capable of trust? i must be...and why am i thinking of this all of a sudden...
...there goes the fear again...
...from a logical standpoint, you really can't trust anyone because sooner or later, they will let you down, guaranteed...look at my dad...he died...the only man who ever made me feel adored and loved unabashedly...he let me down...but it wasn't really his fault, i suppose...i guess all you can do to trust someone is to trust them to be honest in their imperfections and brokenness...or you can be naive (and i personally don't see anything (too) wrong w/ naivete) and trust that someone will be your friend or love you faithfully or be there for you or whatever the hell else we're supposed to be trusting in our fellow human and then be flat out disappointed and hurt when they're not and then forgive and get over it and trust all over again and then be disappointed and hurt etc etc etc...and why must life be a vicious cycle always?
...if i choose to trust, do i choose my own demise? and if so, the demise of what? the demise of self? the demise of a totally isolated selfsufficient island of humanity that really only wants to be loved unabashedly like her daddy loved her?
...and the truth is that i am afraid of that which i desire...to be loved...to be loved by someone the way my dad loved me...to be loved by someone the way bill loves brenda...what a terrifying idea...because to have that which i desire means that i will have to love back...and what if i fail? what if i don't have the ability to love someone the way i want to be loved myself? i've already failed so many times...
...there goes the fear again...
and what i want...what i want...is to be like a child...a child is lavish with his trust and love and adoration...a child can't help it...a child doesn't think about being disappointed or hurt down the road...a child doesn't calculate the minimum amount of vulnerability and self-revelation needed in a given situation for the desired level of attention or affection...a child simply loves...trusts...smiles...laughs...cries...
been listening to--
to the roof of the sky--VoL
killing floor--VoL
emotions--alaska!
Thursday, July 10, 2003 at 3:48PM last night i watched waking life w/ teddy & his brother dave & his girlfriend ellen...i remember how hard that movie hit me back in december (refer to my dec. 21st post)...and even now, i'm still impacted by the movie...something about eternity and god and reality and perception and all that stuff...there's so much stuff in that movie...
work is crazy busy...i was in a two hour+ meeting this morning in which my head was spinning w/ people talking all at once, and the last 40 minutes all i wanted to do was run...and pee...sheesh...but they did give us fresh slices of ripe watermelon...which probably caused my need to pee towards the end...
i am proud to say that i got my city sticker BEFORE i was issued a ticket for not having one...i even got my residential parking sticker so i can park ANY DAMN PLACE I WANT on my block...about time too...i think i'm going to grow up and be responsible now...
been listening to--
being there--wilco
infinite keys--ester drang
believe the hype demos--serene
start here--the gloria record
Wednesday, July 9, 2003 at 5:06PM well, here are the bill mallonee/VoL/tiny silver hearts photos i've done so far:
schubas tues 07.01.2003
cstone 2003 acoustic stage
cstone 2003 gallery stage
i'm determined to get all my bill photos up on my webiste...slowly but surely...man, i love those suits!
been listening to--
perfume letter--bill mallonee
ancient melodies of the future--built to spill
keep it like a secret--built to spill
loveless--my bloody valentine
in aeroplanes over the sea--neutral milk hotel
happy sad--tim buckley
