the following was written (by hand) circa 5:30pm:
happy bastille day!
so i am out of reading material for my commute home, which leaves me no choice but to write...as if that's a boring or tedious chore..tedious...hmmm...i propose that the spelling of that word be changed the TEADIOUS cuz i don't thing that 'TED' should be the first 3 letters of a word like TE(A)DIOUS...that's my personal bias though...anyways, i digress...
so remember my depressing little post from a few days ago regarding how all you can trust people to do is to let you down? well, interestingly enough, the last few chapters of high fidelity, which i finished this morning, talk about the narrators fear of commitment as being a result of his fear of losing someone to death, which is still quite inevitable for us humans...i have to admit that i can relate to this fear...having witnessed my mom go through the pain of losing my dad doesn't give me too much hope that i'd fare any better were i to face the sudden loss of my better half...
anytime you choose to love or to connect to another human being, you risk injury to your heart...there's no insurance you can buy to protect you from the arrows in this life that are a guided missile to the heart...so why this need to connect, to love, to be loved? well, i dunno WHY we need it, but i can guess why we risk such damage to the heart to get it...my guess is that those who do take that risk do so because they know that the rewards can far outweigh the pain...and yes, after years and years of joy when you do lose that someone, the more you loved that person, the more it's gotta hurt...but i tend to believe that the joys present in such a relationship in light of eternity, can transcend the boundaries of time, and years after you've lost that someone, the joy you had can revisit you and remind you why you put your heart on the line...it's gotta be worth it..or else i'm in trouble...
now here's something i wonder about...i was raised for years on borderline fundamentalist evangelical christianity, and from what i can remember, i was told, or believed i was told, again and again, that you can't depend on human love because it will fail you, that only god's love is unfailing...i also remember a lot of the behavioral restrictions being grounded in god's knowing what's best for you and wanting to protect you from the consequences of your own lack of wisdom...ok...i understand that god's the only entirely trustworthy being in all of eternity & that he probably does know what's best for you & that he's got your best interest in mind & all that...but really, what's wrong w/ experiencing some of the sorrows of human life? i'm not a masochist by any means, but i'm leaning more and more towards the belief that it's the sorrows & hardships in life that make it possible for you to fully appreciate the joys and triumphs...so you do something stupid and have to deal w/ the consequences...if you learn through that experience why you shouldn't have done that in the first place and actually internalize it, isn't that better than mindlessly obeying orders out of fear of something bad happening? like i understand that there are somethings that you just wanna take other's people's word for...like if you jump off a 20 story building, you may not survive...but i think sometimes we just need to feel that pain, so that next time we don't do something even stupider out of mere curiosity...i dunno...i just can't bring myself to obey for the mere sake of obedience, or even out of love...i have to question...that's just where i am at this stage...