there comes a time in one's life when it becomes necessary to bite the bullet and see with eyes of truth...there comes a time in one's life when it becomes necessary to face the darkness that has obscured the outpourings of one's heart and to turn on the light...there comes a time in one's life when one must allow the pill to be administered and then to swallow...



...i know your movements, old friend...you come like the wind...unseen but undeniably felt...colorless and formless and yet leaving your indellible mark...odorless and tasteless and yet somehow sweet...i have heard how you visit tortured souls in the dark of the night as they lay sleepless in bed...you sit heavy on their chests, waiting...



...take me to my father, my old friend...take me to my father, for he lives...he lives in my dreams, and that is where i want to go...but let me see him as he is now and not as he was...never let me see him suffering again...put meat back on his bones...take away the hospital gown and in its stead clothe him in something comfortable and fine...give him back his voice, that clear bell of a voice...give him back his smile, the one that would put angels to shame...let him climb mountains again...let him sing and play guitar again...let him preach again...let him laugh again, that hysterical hyena laugh of his...let him love me again, his girl, his joy...



take me to my father, old friend...



"...there's killers behind us

devils ahead

send protection..."

(from prayer for the paranoid by mojave 3)

"...and in my dreams you're alive and you're crying

as your mouth moves in mine soft and sweet

rings of flowers round your eyes

and i love you for the rest of your life...



...and when we break we'll wait for our miracle

god is a place where some holy spectacle lies

and when we break we'll wait for our miracle

god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life..."

(from two headed boy pt 2 by neutral milk hotel)



two nights in a row, i dreamed that my dad was alive...alive but dying...



sunday night, i dreamed that he was still alive after being sick for 1.5+ years w/ his cancer...and in that dream, he was so sick and suffering, just as he was in those last days last spring...and again, i was pleading angrily w/ my mom to let him go so that he could leave his pain in peace...and again in my dream i felt the pain i felt months ago in that hospital conference room as i fought w/ my mom insisting that we take dad home so he could die and be free from his suffering...and i remember how it hurt to see my dad more helpless than a child, in so much pain, so completely wasted away...how much it hurt to let him go so that he wouldn't have to suffer any more, even though i wanted so much for him to still be with me...



and last night i dreamed that he was in the final moments of his life...i was in the hospital hallway and i knew the end was at hand...and i felt in my dream all that i felt after my dad was finally gone...i woke up, sat up in bed and my mind was filled with the last moments of my dad's life, as he struggled for every breath...every single breath...unable to speak...his whole body convulsing with every breath...



...and i haven't felt this much grief since my dad died...it's all coming back, and it's so real...i remember those final moments as i stayed next to him to the very end when the doctor finally stopped his oxygen, the only thing keeping him alive, i remember thinking to myself that i would be haunted by that moment for the rest of my life but that i stayed with him any way...



...and even now, i don't understand how it can be that i will never see my dad again here on this earth...i don't understand how it is that he's gone...i didn't know how much i am still in pain over this...it's even a physical pain...right where my heart is, it aches...it aches....



...and i am still so lost without my dad...so very lost...

so sunday teddy & i took advantage of the 2 for 1 great america tickets through jewel and we trekked up to gurnee, il for 9 hours of roller coaster thrills...it was a beautiful day, and since everybody thinks summer's over, the park was not crowded at all, which was a bonus...



i love roller coasters...i used to be scared to death of them...i remember the first time i went on raging bull, i cried...i was so scared, tears actually ran down my cheeks...but now, strangely enough, there was no ride that could evoke such emotions in me...i was calm on every ride, including batman and raging bull and even the giant drop, which i'd never done until last night...



superman is the new attraction...it's a roller coaster where you're in a flying position...it's an interesting idea, and all, but it doesn't go all that fast...a mere 60 mph compared to raging bull's 73 mph...we waited the longest for this ride (like an hour)...the other rides went pretty quickly...i'm talking 15 minutes from start to finish for batman, which is unheard of during peak crowd times...we did the whizzer, the orbit, the demon, raging bull (twice), the viper, de ja vu, the eagle (twice), batman (twice), iron wolf, superman, the condor, and the giant drop...15 rides for $20...not bad at all...i have to say though the best deal in the entire park was the foot massaging machines for a quarter...you sit in these chairs and put your feet on these vibrating foot pads, and it feels absolutely heavenly after walking around for hours...



anyways, it was fun...

so thursday night my cuzins kris & her bro inho who's here from san diego came into the city to meet up w/ my other cuzin yonju who lives in lakeview...we wanted to go to a bar that had ping pong, billards and a bowling alley...they don't seem to have those in chicago...so we settled for lakeview links...but since they've united w/ the bottom lounge, it's not really the place to go for such activities...so we drove by the lucky strike but were dismayed at the line outside it...for a frickin' bowling alley! sheesh...so we drove to the diversey rock 'n' bowl...teddy took a peek in and came out shaking his head...and we ended up back where we started, at my apartment...now during all this, yonju's bro seunggi was making his way into the city to meet us, and every time we decided on a new place, we'd call him and tell him our change in plans...i think that frustrated him more than the traffic he encountered...so we settled on lemmings, a bar on damen round the corner from me...i knew they had a pool table and it was seldom crowded in there...



so we drank beers and played pool...my cuzin inho & i played doubles w/ whoever...i did ok considering i still don't know what i'm doing...i don't get the whole angle thing...i know there's some physics involved, but i still don't understand how the angle at which the ball needs to roll has to do w/ the angle of the cue stick to the cue ball etc...am i the only one who doesn't get this?? it was still fun playing pool w/ my cuzins, and teddy got to meet more of my family so that was cool...



whoever was in charge of spinning the cds at the bar was doing okay by me...we heard some ramones and a sunny day real estate...i always think of ryan when i hear sdre...



speaking of ryan, he sent me a message (while drunk of course) that jesse's moving back to dansville, ny and that they were gonna stay w/ me when they drove through...that's a big move to be doing again, all the way from seattle...sheesh...it'll be good to see jesse again though...it's been almost a year since he stayed w/ me last...i love that little man...i'll miss seeing him when i visit seattle...but dansville is actually only a 9 hour drive from here...i could literally jump in my car and go visit him if i felt like it one weekend...or he could jump in his van and visit me...and vice versa...yeah...that would be cool...



teddy & i are going to great america tomorrow...which is awesome, except for the news i heard this afternoon about that disney roller coaster that didn't work too good and killed one person and injured 10 people...that is not the type of news you wanna hear the day before you're gonna spend all day on roller coasters...oh well...



if i do die tomorrow, i just want say thank you for the music to all those who've tickled my musical senses...

"are you afraid to live, or are you afraid to die?"



can i be both and neither at the same time???



in some ways, i feel like i'm stuck in this loop, going round and round on a record player...every now and then the song changes...but then somehow that needle keeps going back to the beginning of the record and plays it all over again...and again...and again...



been listening to--

slanted and enchanted--pavement

yours, mine, and ours--pernice brothers

the world won't end--pernice brothers

one time bells--the french kicks

hearts of oak--ted leo & the pharmacists

my solo project--mates of state

put danger back in your life--folksongs for the afterlife

you are free--cat power

seasons ep--neil halsted

burning my travels clean--rocky votolato