it is 7 pm...and it is quite dark...so here we are again...every year, summer takes off without so much as a wave, and i'm left in the dark...and the cold...soon will come the days during which i will see no daylight whatsoever...how depressing...



...i have a lot on my mind right now...cool stuff to be happy & excited about...like bill's show this sunday @ schubas...(you should come...you won't regret it or i'll buy you a drink)...going to nyc in 2 weeks...ian's show @ schubas 10/17...then there's stuff to be stressed about...like work...paying for nyc in 2 weeks...being in a wedding...worrying about jesse's whereabouts (i am perpetually worrying about jesse...i can't help it...*sigh*...i love that little man)...and there's always the stuff to be depressed about...like dreaming about my dad...missing my dad...still learning to be independent and yet connected to other people...wanting god to be real...



...today i was slapped in the face by a sentence in the douglas coupland book i'm reading...it had something to do with the "inability to achieve solitude"... i spent a lot of time in solitude last year...maybe more than what was good for me...but 'spending time in solitude' and 'achieving solitude' seem like such different accomplishments...i have become painfully aware of just how fragile my selfesteem is...it is scary how easily i find myself hidden in a corner surrounded by seemingly insurmountable and impermeable walls built by my own two hands...and when it's too late for a way out, then i wonder what i've got myself into...



listening to bill/VoL

i am reading shampoo planet by douglas coupland...fyi, anytime i pick up a douglas coupland book, you can expect me to dig deep into my dark side...not in a bad morbid way...just in that lonely yet hopeful kind of way that will maybe shed some light on all those cogs and wheels and mush that make up my innards...luckily, the book's only 300 pages long, and i got through 130 pages today, which means this phase won't last too long...two more commute days oughtta do it...but i must warn you there are more douglas coupland books yet to be consumed on my shelf...including one that belongs to my jozka now that i think of it...better read that one next and send it off to him in annie arbor...



anyways, here's a little excerpt from my readings today...



[conversation between jasmine & her 20 year old son tyler]



"i am going to give you a piece of advice, tyler--advice i wish i'd been told in guidance class back in high school, in between the don't-do-acid and don't-drink-and-drive films. i wish our counselors had told us, 'when you grow older a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. it's called loneliness, and you think you know what it is now, but you don't. here is a list of the symptoms, and don't worry--loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. just remember one fact--loneliness will pass. you will survive and you will be a better human for it."



"i'll never be lonely, jasmine.'



"i can see that was a waste of breath, kiddo. well, try not to completely forget what i just told you."...



...[tyler:]...i have this feeling watching jasmine--that as you grow older, it becomes harder to feel 100 percent happy; you learn all the things that can go wrong; you become superstitious about tempting fate, about bringing disaster upon your life by accidentally feeling too good one day...



--from shampoo planet by douglas coupland



so how do you fight loneliness? just smile all the time...



and i saw my dad in my dreams last night again...ever so briefly...this time we were driving to church...and again, in my dream i knew my dad was sick...i wonder if it's worse to dream that he's sick but alive or to dream that he's well and to wake up and remember that he's gone...i can't remember the last time i dreamed he was well...



i remember the night my dad died when caleb sent me an email out of the blue, and i found out the next day that he'd met my parents a few years back, and he didn't know that my dad had just died but he described them from a time before my dad got sick, and i remember weeping because i had forgotten what that was like, and caleb reminded me what my dad was like when he was full of life and passion and vision...



...this is a pain i don't even know how to touch...



...and there is a fear that grips me when i so want to love...there is so much risk involved...so much heartache...do i even dare to be happy? "why is joy something i must steal?" as bill said...



...i have been an utter failure at love...my dad is the only person i showed my love to until the end, and that was in the face of what i knew was imminent loss...i am looking for the strength and courage to love in spite of the fear, fully aware that i may yet fail once again...



been listening to--

summershine--VoL

anodyne--uncle tupelo

disintegration--the cure

...i went to see susan enan open up for over the rhine @ schuba's last night...you can see the photos by clicking here...susan hung out with the wildwood gang during folk alliance in nashville in february, and rosie & denison both played shows with her in ireland this summer...i didn't know she'd be opening up for this OTR show until last week, and by that time the show was already sold out...luckily, tim put me & ted on the guest list so we got in...and i'm so glad because it was awesome to see susan again...she looked absolutely adorable and she played a great set...i'm sure most of the audience weren't familiar with her, but they took to her right away...i was up front taking photos so i could monitor the reaction of the crowd, and i could tell a lot of them just fell in love with her...i was really happy for susan...in a lot of ways, her songs and stage presence remind me of denison...both have a really warm rapport with their listeners, and both write simple and lovely songs, and both have such genuine believable voices...she's got an ep that's available on pastemusic.com that's totally worth the money...



i saw amy druck @ the show and scott patterson...scott told me & ted that he's moving to seattle next month...wow...that's what I want to do!!! oh well...at least that's another friend we can visit in seattle...



tim went to the austin city limits festival this past weekend cuz ian & his full band played...tim said this is THE festival to go to, so maybe next year i'll plan on it...we'll see...he seemed to have had a great time out there...i wish i could've gone to see ian...that would've been a blast to see his band play again...but he'll be in chicago in a few weeks, so i'll have to wait until then...i've thought a lot about ian these past few weeks since i've been having my dreams about my dad...i think he'd worry about me if he knew i was having these dreams...i've been meaning to tell him about them...and i also wonder how he's doing too...

well, well, well...the bachelor party weekend is over, and i have to say, i for one had a lot of fun...it was great to see josh again of course...it's always a vacation when josh is around, no matter what town we happen to be in...



on saturday, connolly, josh & alex picked me up in the afternoon and we went downtown to michigan avenue just to walk around...it's pretty nuts down there on a saturday, and this one was a particulary lovely one weatherwise, so it was even more bustling than usual...we passed various street performers...one dude was dressed in a silver suit and had on silver makeup and was playing some 80s style dance music on his boombox and dancing...he reminded me of a similar dude on fisherman's wharf in san francisco when i visited josh a couple years ago...then there was this other dude dressed up in polyester playing disco music w/ a big sign that said 'grad student discos for dollar'...he seemed to be making pretty good money too...then there was this girl dressed in turn-of-the-century garb who would stand totally still with one of her arms outstretched until someone put money in her hand and then she would change position and give them a little message...so josh & alex gave her 50 cents and they got a little slip of paper with a message on it, but it was pretty forgettable...literally...i mean, i really forgot what it said...



...after walking around for an hour, we met up w/ olarn @ the flattop grill on washington near halstead in the west loop near oprah's studios...we ordered a bunch of yummy drinks that were probably really expensive cuz i could not find the price for them written down anywhere...flattop is one of those stir fry places where you pick the ingredients & sauce and someone else cooks it for you...if you ask me, it's ridiculous to even go there unless you know what the hell you're doing in the kitchen cuz i can tell you from experience that it is very easy to mess up a stir fry, especially when you've got 50 different ingredients and 30 different sauces staring at you and all you wanna do is combine everything...that just doesn't taste good...i think you shouldn't have to pay as much for your meal if it comes out a disaster, which has often happened to me...



after dinner, we went to another mather alum's housewarming party a couple blocks away...her name is christina and none of us remember her from school, but she & connolly & olarn met when the boys used to go swing dancing every week...we hung out there for about an hour before heading up to martyr's for the world music festival performance w/ cyro baptista and his band beat the monkey...on our way out, josh's friends who used to work w/ him @ palwaukee airport @ priester aviation met up w/ us and so we took the whole party of boys up north to martyr's...teddy met up w/ us after he got out of work and so we were all at the show...



i happened to find out about the cyro baptista show that morning when i was searching online for stuff to do...when i read the description of his band, after the first 10 lines, i knew that was exactly what we wanted to do and i didn't even finish reading the description...i had no idea what a treat we were in for...all i knew was that they were a percussion orchestra, and that had been enough for me to buy the tickets...what i didn't know was that they were also dancers, actors, comedians, rock 'n' rollers, and overall some of the best performers i have ever seen...the show was literally electrifying...they had these really fascinating instruments, and they used all kinds of methods for making music, including the human body...it was like the blue man group on a smaller scale and without the splattered paint...none of us were expecting such a treat for only $10...i mean, that had to have been the best deal of a show i've ever seen...except for some free ones...



...we managed to get josh pretty drunk...he drank sierra nevada's all night long, and he was really drunk...really...it was quite funny to watch him dance and then say really random stuff...alex had a great time at the show, which i was glad about since he's from new york and has probably seen it all...all i could wish for that night was for longer legs cuz i couldn't see anything from the crowd without craning my neck and standing on my tippytoes...i resorted to standing on the footrests of a barstool to gain a few inches...sometimes it really sucks being short...



i was pretty exhausted on sunday...connolly, josh & alex went to a birthday brunch for another mather alum jen roberts...i met them afterwards @ josh's grandma's place in lincoln park...i've always wanted to meet josh's grandma cuz he's told me quite a few stories about her, and i must say, she lived up to them...she offered us beers from the moment we stepped in her place to the moment we left...her apartment walls were covered with her paintings...she is a lively animated funny woman, and it was fun to spend time w/ her and her husband greg...



josh & alex were flying out of ohare @ 6 so olarn, connolly & i went w/ them to the airport...we hung out a little...took some photos...i think we were all exhausted but in a happy sort of way...it was nice for us all to spend time w/ alex so that when we actually get to the wedding, we'll all already know each other and jump right into having fun together...

so i got out of my computer class, jumped on the blue line, got out @ damen & met teddy, josh & alex @ ear wax...the boys were just finishing up their late lunch on the back patio...it was soooo good to see josh again, and it was great meeting alex for the first time...he was really cool and laid back...we went back to my apartment and chilled waiting for connolly...we listened to some music...i played some blonde redhead & alex really liked them...he asked me if i'd heard any mars volta, and i said i'd heard OF them...i went to emusic.com and there was an ep there for download, so we listened to that too...teddy & josh started on the sierra nevadas...it was so much fun retelling stories of stuff josh has been through (he tells the best stories and he has the funniest things happen to him) or stuff that josh & i have been through...



connolly showed up a little after six and we went to wicker park to throw the red football...we got to take a photo in that mirrored window on damen where i've taken photos w/ my favorite people...now josh & i have a photo there too...it's kinda my version of the photobooth i guess...the funny thing was that i think alex looked into the window and was able to see that people actually lived behind those windows...that had never occured to me before and i put my face really close and looked really hard and sure enough, i could see someone's cd collection across the room...and the for past year and a half, i've been stopping in front of these windows taking photos...these folks must wonder about me...



greendeeve met us in the park for a while with his skateboard...he let me try out his board, and you know what?? it was really fun! i like the sensation of rolling across a smooth piece of cement balancing myself gingerly on this sliver of wood with wheels...i'm gonna learn how to skate now...teddy told me there are two girls who come to the skate park early in the morning when he goes there...



the boys threw the football around, and then around 7:30 we headed over to piece to say hi to young cho who we went to high school with...he's the general manager there...we would've stayed and had some beers or something, but it was rather crowded, and we just headed over to penny's noodles instead...dinner was yummy, and olarn finally caught up with us just as we were done eating...we wanted to go see lost in translation @ the century landmark theatres over on diversey & clark, so we all squeezed into olarn's car and rushed over there...



unfortunately, the show was sold out and there wasn't any other movie that we wanted to see...so we walked down clark and ended up @ an irish pub and had some drinks on the patio...did i mention it was friggin' cold last night? it was FREEZING!! olarn wanted to hit some bars over in wrigleyville, but i was really tired and wasn't in the mood for those types of bars...i just don't have the energy to be in swanky bars where i feel out of place...and the music in those places are usually LOUD and HIDEOUS...i'd much rather play my own tunes and drink my own beer...so we headed back to my apartment and did just that...it was much more laid back, i think...



and the weekend goes on...