Monday, November 3, 2003 at 3:09PM BRAND NEW--or almost brand new...it's actually been around since yesterday, but i wasn't letting the world know yet...there's a guestbook up there if you feel like saying hi...only if you feel like it...please don't say anything mean because my boyfriend reads this from time to time and he might kick your ass...i have your best interest in mind...
or you can just leave a comment for a specific entry too...
all this new functionality...sheesh...don't everybody speak up at once now...
Monday, November 3, 2003 at 7:08AM ...so i'm driving home from dropping off a friend at the fullerton 'L' station last night and i'm listening to pedro the lion's it's hard to find a friend, and then it hits me...
"but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord"
(from secret of the easy yoke by pedro the lion)
was this the conclusion elliott smith came to? did he fall on his sword because there was no good news left for him?
...we'd been discussing (teddy, teddy's bro dave, dave's girlfriend ellen & dave's best friend keom & i) over pizza just an hour before my epiphany how strange it was that elliott chose a knife as his mode of exit from this world...and then i hear that song in my car not even 15 minutes after dinner...
so i drive down webster with a big lump in my throat wondering how frayed and tattered the end of elliott's rope had become that he'd lost all hope of hanging on and had put a knife to cut that final tie...the big lump in my throat is for elliott smith and for all the other boys and girls, men and women out there who are hanging by a much weathered and too strained rope who have been given only a list of do's and don't's by an unseen distant lord...
and here's all of that song, which has been one of my anthems these past couple years...
"i could hear the church bells ringing
they peeled aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them of why they came
some concrete motivation
and the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord
could someone please tell me story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you
peace be still
peace be still
peace be still"
~secret of the easy yoke by pedro the lion (david bazan)
Sunday, November 2, 2003 at 7:57PM ...i just got a 45 minute lecture (all loving of course) from my friend olarn, and he said something that really hit me...he said, 'just don't sabotage yourself...' and it was really meaningful to me because i think i DO sabotage myself...i create unnecessary drama and pain for myself because under no circumstances could i possibly allow myself to be happy, now could i...
...i do want to choose joy...self-flagellation is not becoming of anyone...
Sunday, November 2, 2003 at 10:04AM 
...did i mention that the detholz! show we went to friday night had captured by robots headlining? captured by robots is not really a BAND band, or maybe it's the ideal band if you're cheap or paranoid of other humans or you're the son of a mechanical engineer...it's basically one dude who built all these robots which play these crazy instruments he built...they talk too...it kinda looks like the cover of sonic youth's 'bad moon rising'...anyways, he's doing this extensive tour across the country and even into canada...he's come up w/ the musical version of the movie 10 commandments, and each of the robots play a different character from the movie...the show has 10 songs covering various styles of music from various scenes in the movie...basically, the human dude (JBOT) projects various parts of the movie on the wall, which he kept pointing to and telling the audience 'watch the movie!' and then at certain points, he'd have these exchanges w/ his BOTS on stage, with him (JBOT) playing moses, and the other BOTS assuming the roles of other characters such as ramses or nefertiri...then they would perform a song...yes, JBOT & the other BOTS...it's all quite amazing...
...teddy & i only stayed for the first 3 songs cuz it was already 1 am by this time and teddy had to be in the burbs by 9am for family stuff...now this show ranges from comical to profane, but it was definitely worth my 10 bucks even for just 3 songs since i also got to see the detholz! and guns 'n' moses (lying in states' 'other' band with jeremy the keyboard player playing axel, uhm, i mean MOSES)...
...i spent pretty much all day saturday plotting my escape from corporate america, but i won't be revealing that plan here until a more opportune time...
...and now it's sunday morning and i wanted to go to church this morning but the question is, 'what church?' and the obvious answer would be 'hyde park vineyard' or that would be caleb's answer, but now that pete & amy moved back to long island and i can't find sam anywhere, and it's all the way down on the southside, and it meets so darn early for a sunday morning...i thought i'd find another church here on the north side maybe...so i checked out the humboldt park vineyard website, which meets like less than a mile away from me, but the thought of going to another vineyard was scary to me since my dad was a vineyard pastor, and actually my brother jim went to the humboldt park vineyard a long time ago before he found the evanston one, and i'm sure ray & teresa don't remember me, but still, those churches always talk to newcomers and i'd rather be anonymous or have total strangers talk to me...then i checked out the website for grace covenant, which is where derek becker of satellite booking goes, but i just read too many names i knew on the website alone...good gosh, i think half the evanston vineyard from the early-to-mid-90s era moved to that church...legendary names like sahyouni & hider...
...so i'm just sitting here listening to the sonic youth twiddling my fingers over a keyboard...
...i did find out that the humboldt park vineyard has an alpha course, which i think maybe teddy & i can go through together...the alpha course is like an exploratory study of christianity in a non-threatening environment...you can ask whatever questions you want, and it goes over the big questions...i've heard positive things about it in the past...i dunno...i mean, you can't really package a life-changing faith into an 8 week course, can you? i just don't see choosing your walk of faith as a mere intellectual exercise...it's gonna grip you or it's not...the only reason i've chosen to stick around in the realm of christianity is cuz this dude jesus really grips me...i like him...i just don't think i know him as well as i'd like...none of the other religions really have anything that grabs me like this dude, ya know? i mean, they say nice things and all, but a lot of it just feels like creme puff after awhile, and i can't take 'em seriously any more...
...and i keep going back to this thing that bill mallonee told me not too long after my dad died last year, something about the communion of saints that the catholic church believes in, and how he believes that my dad is still somehow involved in my life...so he's gotta be looking out for me, right? and i guess another reason i'm still stuck on the whole christianity thing is because of my dad...i mean, he was pretty amazing for a 60-something-year-old-korean-vineyard-pastor/fomer-missionary-for-a-cult/former-front-page-news-reporter/former-alpine-mountain-climbing-team-leader...my dad reinvented himself like a dozen times in his life, so that gives me hope...and i haven't forgotten that in the last days of his life, my dad extended to me a grace & mercy & love that was supernatural, that i can't explain in words, that had to be coming from a source other than himself...
...anyways, totally off the topic, but i'm listening to hidari mae's s/t right now so i have to go grab a box of kleenex...andy myers' voice is so haunting sometimes i get shivers...i can't wait for their next album...and i wish they'd tour...like i don't see why they can't just hop on the road w/ damien & rosie, i mean c'mon, then damien wouldn't have to find another drummer every time he toured, and rosie could have her drummer as well...really, i wish andy would tour mour...and i mean to places other than europe...i realize the midwest may not be much compared to the likes of amsterdam, but still...that's no reason to dis us...actually, andy is one of the sweetest boys in indie rock that i've ever met, and i know he'll make it out here someday...day jobs...holding UP or holding BACK the world of indie rock?
...i'm one to talk...but then again, i'm just a photographer, not a rocker, so i don't need time off to tour or anything...
...speaking of damien jurado and rosie thomas, they're playing two shows next weekend @ schuba's so c'mon out & say hi...i dunno which show i'm going to yet, but i'll definitely be at one of the two...
...and speaking of day jobs, teddy's been considering joining a band again, but it's the same issue for him...he don't wanna be broke again...paying bills and paying them on time are good things...but i think it would be good for him to start drumming again w/ a band that's maybe a style of music he hasn't played too much of, just for fun, like a jazz band or reggae or something...he's too good of a drummer not to be using his talent...
...watchers (teddy's old band) seem to be doing well though...they're doing a mini tour w/ james chance of the contortions, AND they're playing as james chance's back up band as the fibbs...they'll be playing @ the double door on november 14th...
...in other news around town, i just got a call from my friend connolly and HE PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!! he's ENGAGED!!!! like holy cow man...2 mather h.s. swim team weddings in one year...that's way rad...i'm happy for him...connolly is one of the few nice boys i know in chicago, and i know he's gonna be a lovely hubby...
...*sigh*...my friends are getting hitched left and right...first josh...then sam...then caleb...now connolly...and this is not even including the friends from my former life--jae, jae, grace, sarah k., and who knows who else by now...
...and next week i go to another wedding...
...leave a light on for the lovers...
been listening to--
goo--sonic youth
s/t--hidari mae
i break chairs--damien jurado
just for a day--slowdive
we are all beautiful people--for stars
our constant concern--mates of state
what's next to the moon--mark kozelek
mix cd--american english (idlewild); else (built to spill); dissension (hidari mae); rules broken (all-time quarterback); i am the cancer (sloan); why i cry (magnetic fields); two-headed boy part 2 (neutral milk hotel); trainer (pinback); here she comes (slowdive); this i don't need (starflyer 59); tears are cool (teenage fanclub); places to go (owen a.k.a. mike kinsella); summertime climb (the flashing lights); cinema air (the gloria record); size of your life (the promise ring); confessions of a futon-revolutionist (the weakerthans); i know you heard me the first time (kind of like spitting); blur to me (waxwings); any place i've lived (lilys); capsule (bailter space); admiral of the oceans and viceroy of india (serene); devils-video killed the radio star (zapruder point)
