well, i have returned from my most recent family medical crisis, and thanks to all for your lovely thoughts and prayers and comments and emails and phone calls...my momma woked up from her anesthesia after all...she's actually home in glenview, gently snoring the night away hopefully...the surgery seems to have gone well, although we won't know the results for sure until we have the pathologist's report next week...it was a tiring day to say the least...3 cheers for my teddy who stayed at the hospital w/ me & my bro until he had to trudge off to trader joes at 5pm...the surgery, sheduled for noon, was postponed until 3:45pm...my poor momma had to lie in on that terribly uncomfortable hospital cot that whole time, waiting her turn to go under the knife...



...it was really weird going back to that place...it was the exact same waiting room where my dad's surgeon broke the news to me that my dad's cancer was inoperable...teddy & i went to the chapel where i'd gone and taken some photos of the stained glass back during that month when i practically lived at swedish covenant...the stained glass is different now...the world below outside still looked strange through the deep colors of the glass...



...i was okay with it all until teddy & i took a lunch break at jimmy john's for some sandwiches, and i explained to teddy what the cancer had put my dad through, and then remembering how much he suffered, and thinking back to that one night, his last night, the night i stayed with him in his hospital room, it all came back to me, how he struggled for every breath, and how at 1 am he could speak and understand what i was saying and how at 7:30 am i couldn't get him to open his eyes or to say anything...and as i remembered that night, that's when i started cyring into my jimmy johns...



...today i finished reading the silver chair, book #4 in the chronicles of narnia series, and i read the part where king caspian is dead and floating in the water in aslan's country, and aslan makes eustace pierce his paw w/ a thorn and the blood from his paw brings caspian back to life...and i wonder what it was like for my dad, to leave this world and go to aslan's country, for that is where he must have gone...and what was it like to come back to 'life', not life like we know it, but to become ageless, to be freed from that decrepid body that was eaten away by cancer, and what was the first thing that he did, and could he see me crying over him in that hospital room, and can he see me crying even now?



...i feel bad for my mom...being sick is not easy...being sick as a widow must be doubly bitter...i realize that i never gave much thought to how much my mom must feel alone after losing her constant companion of 34 years...i've grieved over my personal loss, but never gave much thought to my mother's loss...i can't even begin to imagine it...

...so my mom is having surgery tomorrow...yeah, that lump turned out to be cancer, but it's very early stage breast cancer, which means she doesn't need to have radical surgery, but she has to have a less serious surgery, but it's still surgery and it's still cancer and it's still my mom damn it...to top things off, her preoperative physical revealed that she's got heart problems and they almost canceled the surgery cuz her EKG showed that she'd had a minor heart attack...like frickin' ay, just what we need...my poor mama...she lost her mom when her mom was only 50 during surgery...my grandma never woke up from the anesthesia...i think that's what my mom's worried about...cuz she's so weak and little and all...so i'm gonna be back at the hospital where my dad died tomorrow while my mom has surgery...not what i would choose to do on a day off, but oh well...

...just to clarify regarding the whole U of Chicago bathroom thingie...i don't have a stance on gender neutral bathrooms cuz frankly, i don't care...i have been known to walk into boys' bathrooms since i was in high school cuz i mean, usually the door's got this picture of a figure w/ pants on, and since that's what i normally wear, it makes sense to me to walk through that door, and the other one's got a picture of a figure w/ a dress on, which i don't relate to, so yes, sometimes just cuz i see a door in front of my face w/ a picture of someone in pants, this does not trigger an alarm to go off in my brain to warn me that i'm about to walk into the wrong bathroom...i really don't mind sharing a bathroom w/ a guy as long as there are stalls with nice secure doors, not the kind that swing back open at the slightest vibration of the walls or floors...and what my friend carlos tells me (he graduated from the UofC this past year), a lot of the dorms already have gender neutral bathroom facilities...so that's that...



...so remember my friend steve who is on the campaign trail writing a book? he's got a newsletter you can sign up for at bamboozled2004-subscribe@yahoo.com...it's not like a lot of politics schmolitics...i like reading his updates for the stories he tells...like the last one was about how no one picks up hitchhikers anymore, and he was trying to hitch a ride to the bus station in new hampshire...the boy is a poet at heart, and i have to say that his writing has probably influenced my own blogging style...just to warn you, his writing would be rated R for ocassional strong language and sometimes stuff that may be considered of a sexual nature...but i think it's worth reading...steve and i were in a.p. english together our senior year of high school...i think we sat near each other...one of my favorite high school memories is of steve and chris schenk (now one of chicago's finest preserving the peace in the windy city) seranading me with a beatles song...8 days a week i think...steve has had quite a life...and since i'm too lazy to type, here's an excerpt from his bio from one of his books:



"Stephen Elliott left home at thirteen and, after a year sleeping on the roof of a convienance store on Chicago's Northside he was made a ward of the court and channeled through various large and small group homes and institutional learning facilities.



Against all odds, he earned his Bachelors degree at the University of Illinois and went on to obtain a Master of Arts degree from Northwestern University. To support his writing habit he has since worked as a stripper, a cabdriver, a bartender, and a marketing executive.



Stephen Elliott has recently been awarded the 2001 Stegner Fellowship from Stanford University, offered to emerging writers in fiction and poety."



steve knows a lot about life on the fringe...it's good to see someone deserving of recognition actually getting some...so steve's been teaching @ stanford the past couple years...my first time getting drunk on sierra nevada was his fault...josh & i went to meet him at his local neighborhood bar called the uptown near mission & 16th st. in san francisco, and the bartender kept giving me free pints...i wasn't too familiar with the potency of the brew then, but i learned it pretty good when i got up to go to the bathroom and the bar started spinning...anyways, steve just quit his job @ stanford to go on the road to write this book about the 2004 elections, and i'm sure it'll be an interesting read...



been listening to--

burning my travels clean--rocky votolato

it's hard to find a friend--pedro the lion

in the aeroplane over the sea--neutral milk hotel

measure--matt pond pa

team boo--mates of state

time (the revelator)--gillian welch

infinite keys--ester drang

we have the facts and we're voting yes--death cab for cutie

where shall you take me?--damien jurado

...*big long sigh*...*ditto*...*repeat*...



...a rainy night in the windy city...but it's definitely not raining men at my place tonight cuz my teddy got called in to work a 4pm-1am shift cuz the store's having some guests tomorrow which means i won't get to see him until i get home from work tomorrow night...it seems like we've hardly seen each other in days...i'm talking quality alone time...between his working weekends, and my working weekdays, it just SUCKS sometimes! i was looking forward to a lazy evening with teddy just watching democrats talk bullshit (cuz my friend steve's on the campaign trail w/ howard dean, so i have a bit of an interest in the whole affair now)...and yeah, i know...gore endorsing dean...what does it all mean? tiddlywinks! that's what! i ain't on any side of no fence cuz i'm all up in the air and ain't coming down yet till i get too tired flapping my wings...all i knows is i ain't voting for the incumbent, so i had better come to some sort of a decision in the coming months...an intelligent one would be desirable...



...in happy news, i am pleased to announce that some of my photos of rosie thomas were included in the most recent issue of bottlebreaker mag for an interview one of their writers did with her during the fall tour w/ damien...bottlebreaker is a fanzine out of canada, and although it's not like getting my photos published in rolling stone (which i don't read anyway), i really like the folks at bottlebreaker...dave & todd have been total gentlemen and absolutely lovely to deal with...and even though it's a small fanzine with limited distribution, i thought it looked pretty darn good...nice and clean...i highly approve! and since you all have been so supportive of my shutterbug addiction, here is a link to the pdf file of the interview...it's also a very good interview...laid back and chill, ya know? and there's a review of rosie's latest album in there too...oh, and dave's sending me bottlebreaker buttons!!! yay! there's nothing more thrilling than pinning a new button to my purse or vest! oh sweet little joys...oh! and in the article, my credit is in FRENCH...like how cool is that??!! i don't even care that my name's misspelled...some sara(h)s don't have to bother with the 'h' at the end of their names...



...i'd like to send a shoutout to my skinny hoosier friend brandon pfeiffer as he travels to kansas city to record the first few songs of his next cd w/ someone who's too important and successful in the music biz for me to remember his name...uh...his first name starts with uhm uh uh a D but the rest escapes my sad excuse for a memory bank...have fun brandon! hope you learn a thing or two by saturdee! come back to chicago real soon now!



been listening to--

rosie

sufjan

that's it

oh & future bible heroes

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GOING TO BE A SERIOUS AND LONG RANT...DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU'RE ALREADY HAVING AN ENRAGING DAY...

a few days ago, a friend of mine forwarded an email to me from a woman who was outraged about an article reporting that the university of chicago was discussing w/ their GLBT community the possibility of putting in gender neutral bathrooms in several campus buildings...in her words "HERE COMES ANOTHER TUITION INCREASE FOR US PARENTS! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS EVEN OPEN FOR DISCUSSION? WE ARE BORN MALE OR FEMALE......THE CLOTHES WE WEAR DO NOT DETERMINE OUR SEX......WHAT WE ARE BORN WITH SHOULD DETERMINE WHAT BATHROOM WE USE......END OF DISCUSSION! SIMPLE!"

i probably should've sat on my fingers, but instead the naive silly girl that i am, i responded...you see, i'm just sick and tired of people assuming that all christians follow the same party line, and i'm saddened that so many christians do sit back and remain silent and allow themselves to be bullied by the opinions of some overbearing allbeit passionate individuals...so i spoke up...sue me...anyways, in my response, i expressed my concern at what seemed to me a lack of compassion, let alone the facts (not everyone is born simply MALE or FEMALE; some are born anatomically both MALE AND FEMALE)...she responded to me saying that she didn't think that the majority of taxpayers should have to pay more in taxes to help out such a small minority of the population but she thanked me for my comments because she enjoyed delving into the topic of "abnormal thought processes"...

two things bothered me (ok, more than 2 things, but for the sake of brevity, i'll only mention 2) about her comments and her clarification of her stance...first, i couldn't believe that someone could just write off an issue that is of concern to a segment of our population and say 'END OF DISCUSSION', just because that segment happens to be so small and i guess therefore insignificant in her scheme of things..."END OF DISCUSSION"?? when did she ever participate in a compassionate and empathetic discussion? "SIMPLE!"?? is it really that simple?? c'mon folks, let's at least DISCOURSE and COMMUNICATE, even if we don't agree with one another...secondly, i was dismayed at her unwillingness to part with money because those in need of help were such a small minority...if i remember correctly, there was a shepherd in one of jesus's stories who left 99 perfectly obedient and docile lambs alone exposed to the dangers in the wilderness, to go after the one stupid one who wandered off and got lost...that shepherd didn't sacrifice that one stupid lamb that was probably doing its breed good by eliminating itself for the sake of the safety of the VAST MAJORITY of the flock...jesus was always after the fringe of society...and i don't care what you believe about gender/sexuality issues...when you have a segment of the population that has historically suffered discrimination and mistreatment and rejection and disdain from society at large, don't tell me that the christian response is to throw your hands up in the air and say, 'hey, god didn't make them that way! end of discussion! simple!' because if that's what the christian response is supposed to be, i know nothing about who jesus is and who god is and what grace is and what mercy is and what compassion is and what love is...all these things that are supposed to be the indicators to the world as to who christians are...that the world would know that they are christians by their love...

and then to top it off, the same woman, who i am going to give the benefit of the doubt to and assume is just insensitive and lacking in common sense and not really deliberately malicious, sent me the following email, which i am posting in its entirety...please keep in mind that my family and i immigrated to the states from korea when i was 6 years old, that i had a grandma who came to the states in her 60's who never learned english, and that i have numerous aunts and uncles and a mom to boot who came to the states as adults and who still struggle greatly with the language...anyways, I DID NOT WRITE ANYTHING THAT IS IN RED AND IN GARAMOND FONT...this is the email she sent me:

"Sarah.....thought you might want to get a 'rise' out of this opinion, too. We American Christians have our beliefs and our heritage to protect....and I intend to do my part!

Story in Tampa Paper - September 30, 2003

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice???????? Think about it........

All I have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings. It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.

This says it all!

After hearing that the state of Florida changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered this is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT....
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle.

Our First Amendment gives 'every' citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE."

granted, this woman had no idea i am an immigrant and that many of my extended family members are immigrants or that i was raised in an ethnic culture that has tried hard to maintain a sense of its own identity in the midst of the new and often clashing culture surrounding it...i suppose not too many folks know that my last name is of asian origin...

well, i haven't responded to this woman...i almost cried when i got the email, not just because i was offended as an immigrant, but just because of the FUCKING IGNORANCE...sorry...

i wanted to take all these emails this woman had sent me (and some others who were on that distribution list) and forward them to caleb and demand that if that's what christians really think and believe, i don't want to be a christian...now that would've been unfair to caleb, so i didn't...caleb is not a perfect christian, and i probably don't agree with everything he'll tell me, but one thing i do know and the reason i haven't thrown christianity out the window yet, esp. after my dad died and wasn't around to be an example any more, was that with caleb, in all his imperfections and sometimes not-knowings, i've always seen humility (or at least his acknowledgment for his need for humility) and compassion and grace in his response...he gave me hope that not all christians are morons...

anyways, like i said, i haven't responded yet to this last email, and i've decided i'm not going to because i realize that in some ways, i'm just as much at fault in my lack of grace and compassion for christians...this is something that teddy wisely pointed out to me...so i confess that i have my prejudices towards christians, which are not too dissimilar from the prejudices that i've experienced towards christians from non-christians and have been upset by for so long...i am weak and human...that is quite obvious...i really don't even consider myself a 'good' person...'good' is a word i don't understand anyway...

so i'm not gonna repond to her personally, but if i WERE to respond, here's what i would say:

"dear _____,

thank you--

as an immigrant myself who has never even celebrated a traditional "american" thanksgiving until this year after 25 years in this country, i found the article quite enlightening...gosh, i've gone a quarter of a century without even knowing there was an american christian heritage!

would this american christian heritage also include the genocide of a race that was here hundreds of years BEFORE anyone from europe decided this would be a nice piece of land to colonize? or manifest destiny, the proclaimed mission of the united states and justification for expanding its borders in unwanted areas? or how about being beaten by both england and france to abolish slavery? or how about the unparalleled greed that's gripped this nation as the masses pursue the "american dream"? or what about ransacking the environment and our natural resources (not to mention other nations' natural resources) to achieve those american dreams? or maybe exploiting foreign cheap labor in the name of capitalism to stock the walmarts and provide nikes for the masses? would this 'american christian heritage' include numerous military operations and wars made on other sovereign nations, wars that were (are) funded by american tax dollars but not sanctioned by the majority of its people and condemned by most other democratic nations?

i know we're not the only nation to be guilty of such ills...we're just the biggest and baddest...and you know what they say about those to whom much has been given...well, i suppose i don't really know what "they" say, but i hear it says somewhere in the bible that from such people, "much will be required."

if this is the american christian heritage you are refering to, i question your desire to do your part in protecting it...

as an american and an immigrant, i think that the insistance on speaking english and ONLY english is absurd and cruel...how many languages does the average american speak well enough to get by with that language in a foreign country? why is it that americans expect people to be able to speak english regardless of where they are in the world? if most americans, as youngsters, can't master a foreign tongue, do you really expect 30, 40, 50, 60 & 70 year old immigrants to master english, which is linguistically notorious for its lack of rhyme or reason in its crazy rules? well, my parents did what you wanted them to, and at the advice of our school principal, they stopped speaking korean at home so that my brother and i could learn english more quickly...i lost my mother tongue for over 10 years because of that and had to relearn it later in life...even now, i only have a child's level of understanding and mastery of my first language...for that, i am regretful and ashamed...

i realize that i have the right to leave this country, and believe me, if i could move to vancouver, b.c., i would in a heartbeat...besides, i don't see why i should give up what is mine as much as yours just because i don't believe in your version of an american culture or heritage which i think is absurd and parochial and xenophobic...

if i had the energy or the smarts, i could give you a scholary dissertation on why the editorial you forwarded to me is historically and philosophically flawed...all i can say is that it does not resonate with what i, at my gut level, believe america to be about...besides, last i checked, americans are not god's chosen people, english will not be the official language in heaven, and christians are said in the bible to be aliens in a foreign land whose allegiance is at face value treasonous cuz it's supposed to be to god first, not to some fairytale patriotic heritage...

yours truly,
sarah-ji"

i know...i know...it's harsh, isn't it? that's why i'm not sending it...like i said, i know what i myself am guilty of...i hope to learn to give grace even before it is given to me...which is too late cuz it's already been given to me in abundance...but that's beside the point...

peace out folks...sorry if i brought you down...