...saturday night, teddy & i picked up keom from his yoga party and we all went to the LIFE AT SEA/DUVALL show @ the empty bottle together...i finally got to give keom his bday present, which was a fancy schmancy box of chocolates from trader joes and which i'd been carrying around in my backseat for 2 weeks...



...it was crowded even though we got there early just when the first opening band (the emily shrine) were about to go on...we saw erik (of LIFE AT SEA) and his girlfriend chris and we chatted for a while...i hadn't seen either since december...they're one of the nicest couples i know in chicago...by the time LAS got on, it was REALLY crowded...i didn't think i'd be able to take any photos cuz the lighting @ the bottle pretty much sucks, but i got somewhat lucky & the light guy turned it up for LAS's set, so i was able to get SOME shots from the back by leaning my camera against a pole...it was so cool to see such a big crowd get into their music...there was definitely a positive vibe in response to their music...see more photos of the show RIGHT HERE...



...by the time duvall got on, it was REALLY crowded, and i lost my position by the pole and had to squeeze myself somewhere towards the left near a wall...i have to say that i really like the material from duvall's new album...this was my 3rd time seeing them live, and they seem to get better each time...their songs are very melodic and have got that pop hook thing down...i highly recommend seeing them live...



...after the show, keom bribed us to drive him all the way home to hyde park...it would've taken him forever anyway on public transportation since the green line doesn't run 24 hours...even though i gave him a hard time about it, i actually do try to give rides to carless people whenever possible cuz i wanna support their nocar lifestyle to make up for my own driving habits...



...sunday morning, i went to HPV (hyde park vineyard) for their sunday service to do a photoshoot...i'm doing photos for caleb & audrey's project @ yale divinity school about HPV...it happened to be the church's 6th anniversary, so it was a good week to take photos...my pastor, rand tucker, was out of town, but a few people from the congregation shared...i still miss seeing pete & amy there...but carlos showed up this week, and it was so good to see someone i knew back from when i used to hang out w/ pete & amy & sam...i still feel really weird going to church...everybody's nice and everything, but i just feel out of place and at a loss for what to do next...it was more tolerable when pete & amy were there cuz i was so comfortable with them...if carlos & sam go on a more regular basis, i think i might feel a little less awkward showing up more often...teddy was supposed to go with me to church, but he found out at the last minute that his family was getting together for a birthday party for grandma sophie so he had to drive his brothers out to the burbs...



...sunday was supposed to be me & teddy's day off together, but that didn't work out due to the last minute plan changes...teddy & his bros decided to have a quick party @ their place that night...it was a really small get-together...the only other people they invited were me, ellen & phil...dave made hummous from scratch, and he put me to work cutting up veggies...we had all sorts of cheese and like 5 different kinds of crackers, not to mention olives, chips & fresh salsa, and pickled herring...we turned it into a birthday party for phil cuz we'd missed it on the 3rd, and it was his 25th, which is a pretty significant bday in my opinion...to our surprise, phil came with all kinds of little presents for all of us, and we stuffed our faces and played a lovely game of cricket on the dartboard, which phil totally kicked our asses on...it was a lot of fun, but i was exhausted by the time i headed home around midnight, considering my lack of sleep from the night before...it was great though to see phil, as always...i'm so glad he's in chicago now...i just love how downright silly teddy gets with him around...it's like watching little boys...



been listening to--

more motion--trenchmouth

castaways and cutouts--duvall

mass suicide occult figurines--john vanderslice

how i learned to write backwards--the aisler set

other animals--erase errata

...this afternoon i finished the last book in the chronicles of narnia by c.s. lewis...it's a good thing i didn't wait until my next commute to work to finish it cuz i started blubbering like a baby during the last few chapters, and if i'm gonna cry over a book, i'd much rather do it in the privacy of my own apartment than on a metra train...i don't even really know why i was crying...i mean, it's like a CHILDREN'S book for crimeny's sake...the tears, the lump in my throat, the ache in my chest...they all came out of nowhere...i was AMBUSHED by my own subconscious emotions...



if you've never read the book and plan to, skip this paragraph cuz i'm gonna quote from it...i guess when i think about it, there were two things going on...one was the feeling of finally coming home, finally finding that which you've spent your entire life searching for even when you may not have know what exactly it was you were seeking...when jewel says, 'i have come home at last! this is my real country! this is the land i have been looking for all my life, though i never knew it till now...', i thought of all the times i've felt like an alien, and i don't mean the kind granted registration cards by the INS...there are times when i get this eerie feeling like i'm not from the planet earth...i'm no sci-fi nut either...it's just a feeling i've had for as long as i can remember...the feeling that there's a place so much better, so much more whole, so much more infinitely good...it's easy to forget that this is what i'm really longing for in the midst of all the busyness and external stimuli that i'm constantly bombarded with...but when i do remember it, i get this really strange sensation, like there's something sqeezing my heart, like you squeeze the juice out of a lemon...



...the other thing going on with this book that jerked my emotions was the description of the reunion among old friends and loved ones, esp. when king tirian is reunited with his father who had died years before after battling a giant...oh boy, did THAT one get me going...it didn't help that i'd been thinking about my dad earlier over breakfast, and had actually found myself singing that song denison wrote about me losing my dad...and so reading about the narnians and the children entering aslan's country, i couldn't help wondering if that's what it was like for my dad, when he died...was he filled with an indescribable joy, the culmination of all his desires fulfilled as he left this life for the next? did he meet his loved ones who'd passed on to aslan's country and the heroes and heroines of old? could he run miles and miles like the wind without losing his breath? or climb treacherous waterfalls as if crossing a babbling brook? did he eat a fruit that was almost too beautiful to eat, and did it taste absolutely indescribable? did he? did he? and does he now? some of you may wonder that a sensible girl like myself...okay, scratch that...i'm NOT sensible i suppose...anyways...some of you may wonder that a girl like me would believe in such things like an afterlife or whatnot...the truth of the matter is, all my upbringing and everything i've been taught to believe aside, i go by what resonates inside my heart...even though i may seem to have thrown off the shackles of the organized church or what we may perceive to be the organized church, what i cannot escape from, nor want to escape from, nor need to escape from, is something i don't have a word for, at least a word that is not laden with a schlew of images, feelings, prejudices, attitudes etc for everyone in a different way...it's like...the Essence...of All...oh, i don't know...crimeny...that sounds so hokey...oh fuck it, i'm just gonna come out and say it...it's GOD, ok? G-O-D, GOD! there! i've said it! it's true! i can't get away from GOD! do i understand what i mean by that? NO I DON'T! but it's true...and it's good...don't ask me how or why...i don't know...my story is not yet over...



...call me a blubbering fool if you will...some day, i'm gonna see my dad again...and when i do, all will be right as rain...



center city on a bus

feelings change from want to must

so i pushed the meaning to it all

i carry you from place to place

i said, 'this is how i spend my days...

do you understand my shape, my form?'



do i really have to let you go?

not if i don't want to....



last night spent on the couch

felt your heart beat pounding out

sounds like someone's footsteps on the floor

i dreamt we walked from room to room

opened doors into those parts of you

all the memories that i have of us before



do i really have to let you go?

do i really have to?



when someone you love dies

you never question where they've gone

like landscapes under snow

they're blocks you build more life upon

they're the corner of your eye

their quiet arms still comfort you



do i really have to?

do i really have to let you go?

do i really have to let you go?

do i really have to let you go?

do i really have to?



(do i really have to? off of the album philadelphia songs by denison witmer)

...guess who i went to see at the beat kitchen last night? janet kim of WANAMAKER and KIM! miss mia was there too (she & janet play together in KIM) and so i got to meet mia's fabulous boyfriend...janet did a solo show of recent and new songs, some of which i had heard with the full WANAMAKER band last month when they opened up for LIFE AT SEA...janet has a very distinctive voice...it's rich and strong and can surprise you...she did this song about philly, which of course made me think of denison...i miss that little elf...anyways, speaking of the last wanamaker/life at sea show, here's a stupid little something i did...i took a bunch of photos of wanamaker at that show even though i didn't know janet at the time cuz like how often do i get to see a fellow korean american chica rock out on stage, eh? not often enough, fer sure...so anyways, i met janet for the first time at miss mia's mahndu-making world domination party last sunday, right? and i told janet i took a bunch of photos of her show last month and that i'd post them and send her the link...well, i get home that night, and i looked on my laptop, but no wanamaker photos...i looked on my desktop, no wanamaker photos...the next morning, i looked on my work laptop, no wanamaker photos...i looked on my work desktop, and guess what? yup, no wanamaker photos...now i felt really stupid, but i knew janet would be cool with it...but i still felt stupid and a little mad at myself cuz i'd already gone through all the photos and even picked out the ones i'd been planning on uploading...i think what happened was that i was cleaning out files on my home laptop about a week ago, and i remember deleting a folder thinking it was a duplicate folder, and apparently it wasn't...rats...oh well...life goes on...although it was a solo show last night, i did take some photos, and you can see them right here...it's my first page of mouseover photos so you don't have to click on an image any more to see the larger version...just place the mouse pointer over a thumbnail for the bigger version...



...it's snowing like a dandruff storm out there...it's all nice & purty...teddy's off today and i bet he spends a good chunk of the day racing cars on the computer...i called him last night after i got out of the show, and he never even answered...at first i thought he'd left his phone in his car, but then i realized that he was probably ignoring all phone calls cuz he was playing that game! i bet he was up til the wee hours playing that game...oh well, who am i to complain? it's no different from me staying up sorting through my photos and watching the cosby show...



...btw, LIFE AT SEA are opening up for DUVALL tomorrow night at the empty bottle...LAS are a totally rocking band, and i'm gonna break my new years resolution #4 and buy their new cd...DUVALL, as some of you may know, is the band partially responsible for bringing me & teddy together...so the story goes...back in april of 2002, i was driving south on damen, and i happened to see my old friend dobber getting out of his car...i did a u-ey so we could chat a bit, and he ran off the names of some bands he thought i should check out, including DUVALL...he told me they were ex-smoking popes so i figured they'd be pretty cool...well, i missed my first couple chances to see DUVALL cuz i was busy & lazy, but i finally got around to seeing them that august, 4 months later...well, i told my friend derek that morning i was gonna see duvall and he told me to also check out the opening band WATCHERS cuz he worked w/ michael the frontman and chris the bassist and he told me they were really tight...and so i make extra effort that night to get to the show in time for the opening bands, and i missed most of chinupchinup, but i did catch watchers, and i still remember my heart sinking to my stomach when i first laid eyes on MY TEDDY as he set up his drum kit to play w/ watchers as i thought to myself, 'OH MY GOD HE'S SO HOT, HOW AM I EVER GONNA TALK TO HIM??'...so to make a long story a little less long, DUVALL has a special place in my heart for exposing my eyes to the damn hottest drummer this side of the moon...i probably never would've gone to see any of the other subsequent watchers shows cuz they never played w/ anyone i would've wanted to see, which means i never would've laid eyes on my teddy which would've been very sad indeed...



been listening to--

disintegration--the cure

when we were small--rosie thomas

time (the revelator)--gillian welch

now you know--doug martsch

emotions--alaska!

philadelphia songs--denison witmer

perfumed letter--bill mallonee

infinite keys--ester drang

our constant concern--mates of state

hearts of oak--ted leo & rx

ok...i think i've regained enough compusure to elaborate on my previous post...i've mentioned before that i was raised in a cult, no? yes, it's true...my family was in a cult called University Bible Fellowship (UBF) until i was the age of 17...it sucked...we got out...my family found normal healthy (relatively) churches...but the scars from spending my most formative years in a regime marked by totalitarianism, legalism and just plain lunacy are still fresh, almost 15 years after i was freed...



...if my family hadn't gotten out when they did, it's possible that the leader of UBF would not have lived to see 1994 instead of continuing his reign of terror until 2002...i know how much i wanted to kick that SOB's ass when i was a mere teenager, and i know it would've only gotten worse by my college years...this is not something i'm proud of either...i mean, the guy was like totally ancient and already near death healthwise when he died in that house fire two years ago...but i have to freely admit that i really, really REALLY wanted to kick his ass from here to pyonyang, NK where his other totalitarian buddies live...



...right now, UBF continues to operate on college campuses across the united states and around the world, including here in chicago at schools like northwestern, UIC, loyola, depaul, northeastern, etc...sad but true...somebody call out the national guard...



...zion grieves...where now is her crown of beauty for the ashes that lie here, in these ancient ruins, where now is the oil of gladness poured out instead of mourning? the devastation of generations past and present plead for restoration...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE BEING RAISED IN A CULT
by sarah-ji

10. 75% of the buildings within a 4 block radius of the group headquarters is owned or occupied by members of your group

9. you and the other kids in the group have to line up in the "LEADER's" office with your report cards several times a year

8. you (and everyone else in the group jr high and older) are ordered to write and share a speech entitled 'I AM A NOBODY'

7. the "LEADER" personally cuts (butchers) your hair and thinks he's doing you a favor

6. the "LEADER" is a short stocky korean man who likes to run around in military fatigue

5. the "LEADER" plots your future engagement from the time you are 11

4. it is common, and expected, to have at least 3 couples get married at the same wedding, and most likely, the couples find out they are getting married and to whom anywhere from the night before to maybe a few weeks prior to the wedding

3. occasionally, not too long after a wedding, one of the newly married brides is kidnapped for deprogramming by her concerned parents

2. the "LEADER" administers his own quack medical treatment for members' various health problems, including salt water injections to skin lesions for psoriasis, a big mac diet for the underweight, and an IV for just about any reason

1. your group is listed on numerous cult awareness websites

today is the two-year anniversary of the death of the "LEADER"...i will stop here because i am THIS CLOSE to typing a tirade of curses and laments for childhoods lost and lives ruined...this is the hell i witnessed until i was seventeen...

been listening to--
still feel gone--uncle tupelo
anodyne--uncle tupelo
burning my travels clean--rocky votolato
sleeping on roads--neil halstead
team boo--mates of state