Friday Confession

I have the distinct honor and pleasure of photographing my friend Alana's wedding tomorrow. She is a talented designer, photographer, musician, and hot rock 'n' roll mama. I'm so happy for her and her almost-hubby-Dave. It's going to be a beach sunset wedding in Michigan, so no stuffy boring wedding here.

So why the need for a confession? Well, two things. First of all, this will be my first wedding as THE photographer. That scares the bejeebus out of me. I've had butterflies in my stomach for over a week now. I know I should just get over myself, but I still get that, "What if I totally f*ck up?" knot in my brain every time I do a semi-important photoshoot. Wanna know why I'm not shooting photos for a living? This is why. The stress would kill me, I think. And still, I know I'm just second guessing. So like I said, I should just get over myself.

Second, Ted couldn't get off of work for the wedding. Since bringing Cadence to the wedding without someone to watch her would spell potentially disastrous results for my shutterbug duties, I reluctantly decided to leave her at home. What's the big deal? Well, this is an overnight trip, and I've never spent a night away from Cadence since she emerged from my womb. Ok, there was that one Wilco/Detholz! concert in Urbana that I photographed when she was five months old and I didn't get home until the middle of the night, but I was only gone a total of 12 hours then. I skipped Wilco's encore AND pumped breastmilk in the car while Ted drove to keep our time away to a minimum.

I know a bunch of you are laughing at me that I'm actually not jumping up and down with glee that I get a night all to myself in a waterfront hotel in lovely Saugatuck, MI. I know I'm being silly, but I can't help it. I know Cadence will be just fine. I should just embrace this opportunity to be alone to do whatever the heck I want (within reason, of course). Still...I'm gonna feel mighty out of place without my family in tow.

Oh, and this is totally off topic, but some old high school friends and I got together last week while our friend Steve Elliott was in town. Steve has been making quite a name for himself as an author, and was even awarded the Stegner Fellowship @ Stanford University a few years ago, which is a far cry from his teenage days as a ward of the state or homeless in Rogers Park. Anyhoo, it was fun to hang out and catch up.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Still Thinking About Anonymity

So I've started the process of moving my blog over to an anonymous site. Some of you may have noticed I can't make up my mind how to sign my comments on your blogs. I don't want to put my full name any more (stupid of me to do that in the first place). Sarah is just too common a name. So I've come up with something else. It's actually Ted's nickname for me. I'm not going to put it here in this blog post because I'm paranoid like that, but when y'all see it in your comments section, you'll know it's me.

Now I have to figure out how the hell to move all my posts over to the new site...

Paranoia Sets In

I have a dilemma. It's something I've been thinking about for awhile and not sure what to do about. Namely, how do I get Google to forget about me???

It's pretty well-known the harm one can do oneself by leaving a careless trail on the internet. I don't think this blog is anything to be ashamed of, but now that Cadence is getting older, I wonder if we'll ever get our anonymity back? I deleted a link to my blog from my Flickr account ages ago when some sicko was going around favoriting photos of other people's kids, but let's be honest. If you wanted to find me, it wouldn't be too hard.

Also, what if I ever have to look for a job? A lot of employers google prospective employees to see what dirt info they can dig up.

These are just random thoughts right now. Someday, I may be going anonymous...I'll let you know though if that happens. Ha ha. Because becoming anonymous requires letting all your friends know.

This One's For You...

For the Buddhist monks and the people of Burma and Aung San Suu Kyi standing defiantly--and yet peacefully--in the face of tyranny.

For the girls and women of Sudan who fear being beaten or raped every time they fetch water.

For the women in the U.S. Armed Forces, who are regularly subjected to sexual assault while those in command look the other way.

For those who have been imprisoned by the U.S. government and TORTURED (just f*cking admit it, GW, it's TORTURE) so that we in the U.S. could be free to plunder the earth and revel in our gluttony.

For the familes who have been separated by the 38th parallel in North and South Koreas, and who may finally be reunited someday soon.

For those who are denied basic civil rights because of whom they love.

For those who have hidden behind false identies and lived in the shadows and in self-hatred all their lives out of fear of rejection and persecution.

For those who live in countries where it is a crime punishable by death to be who they are openly, and for those who live in countries where they are supposedly free to be who they are, and yet who are still punished by death.

For Buddha.

For Jesus.

For Gandhi.

For Dr. King, Jr.

For Matthew Shepard.

For all of you, for Cadence, and for me too.

I'm So Tired I Could Cry...

And no, it's not because Cadence smothered herself in butt cream the other day, although the fact that I didn't notice she was being unusually quiet under the table (which usually means poop or trouble) should be an indication of my current state of exhaustion.

I thought that once the wedding was over, I'd be able to catch my breath, but I was busy editing photos all week after the wedding and fretting over what processor to use for printing the photos (which if anyone has any suggestions, I'm totally open to 'em), and then we've had tons of family related stuff since last Monday, with cousins in town, birthdays, Belgian Beer tastings, etc.

I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm not a superhuman and that my body and mind and emotions can only take so much fun and drama before I begin to fall apart and start doing things like almost missing my stop on the train or nodding off at my desk mid-email (both of which I've done today).

Our friend (and my cousin Jeannie's boyfriend) Erik has been staying with us since last Monday, and my cousin Jeannie has been staying with us since she flew in on Wednesday. There have been many hours of talking and laughing and beer drinking since, and I guess there's only so much fun you can have before you start losing your ability to function.

I feel really bad for Cadence. No, feeling bad is an understatement. Plagued by guilt is probably more accurate. I was so busy with all the wedding preparations, and then editing photos, and now hanging out w/ guests and family. I think I've totally screwed up her night-time schedule as she hasn't been going to bed before 11:30pm for almost a month now, and it's totally not her fault. What toddler could resist all that stimulation when there's so much going on?

And still, she is such an awesome kid. Yes, she's demanding and opinionated and spirited, but what I've learned is that if I give her focused attention, without rolling my eyes or giving her attitude, and I do what I can to meet her needs in that moment, she is perfectly agreeable and in fact a very sweet kid. Children are so forgiving of their parents' shortcomings.

I've got several hundred photos from the past weekend that I need to get through. I'm going to take my time, though. I mean, who really cares about my Garfield Park Conservatory photos anyways? Or snapshots of family? Those photos will still be around in another week or two. Of course if I take another few hundred photos this week, then I'll REALLY be digging myself into a hole. I guess I should just hide my camera for a few weeks then...And I should probably stay away from the Hideout's annual block party...