okay. i've finally figured out how to do some stuff in page builder, which is what i use for my website on geocities.com. so i made some changes blah blah blah. i am tired. i burned my toast that i was gonna make my pb&j with, and i made new toast but haven't had the energy to get out of my chair to retrieve my little meal. i don't know what i'd do if it weren't for pb& j and trader joe's. speaking of which, when are they planning on opening one up in lakeview? i'm tired of having to go to glenview to do my grocery shopping. i broke down and went to the jewel yesterday. which reminds me--i have gelatto in the freezer. jewel had hagendaaz gelatto for $2/ pint, god bless 'em.

my mom, brother & i are falling into a rotation schedule for staying w/ my dad at the hospital. it's mostly my mom & i really. my brother has so many meetings and stuff that i seem to have more free time even though i have a full-time job and he's a student. my dad's doing better. he's no longer on a basal morphine drip, which means he has to remember to give himself morphine boosts every 10 minutes or so to manage his pain. i'm basically working and early schedule (like 7am-3pm) and then going to the hospital from 4pm - 8pm which is when visiting hours are over. it's a rough schedule, yeah, but i've been taking my laptop & my cds & my notebook & my douglas coupland collection, so i'm not bored.

i think my emotions are finally settling down now that i'm over the initial shock. i can get through the day at work without keeping my office door closed the entire day so nobody bothers me. now i leave it half open at least half the time. my boss has been really nice about everything. she told me i need to be with my dad as much as possible during this time. i don't know what i'd do if i worked at a place that didn't care about what was going on.

it's still hard to see my dad so helpless in that skimpy pistachio green hospital gown, seeing him grimace with pain with even the slightest movements. i just don't see how anybody could recover from a surgery like his. he's in pretty good spirits all things considered. i'd be asking for someone to shoot me if i were in his condition.

my mom is still exhausted from the whole ordeal, but i think she's encouraged by my willingness to show up everyday. i think she feels like she can bear the gargantuan burden of caring for my dad as long as she knows she's not alone. i'm clueless when it comes to caring for the sick, but i'll do what i can in providing company and emotional support.

alright, it's almost midnite, and i think i'm going to call it a nite. yes, it's early for me, but i do have the crack of dawn to think about.

oh, in case you're wondering about the photos, the 1st of one is my parents' engagement picture. they both look so young! my mom was younger than i am now in that picture. the 2nd picture is of my dad when he was a reporter in korea at the 38th parallel (the demilitarized zone). i suppose that's north korea in there somewhere. the last picture is of my dad in paris when he went to europe to attend ski school in the alps. see that camera around his neck? turns out he was quite a photographer back then. i guess that's where i get my need to stick my eye in a viewfinder and click click click away.

today's soundtrack (plus yesterday's mixed in):

the times they are a-changin' - bob dylan
nashville skyline - bob dylan
didn't it rain - songs:ohia
when your heartstrings break - beulah
white ladder- david gray
last splash - the breeders
being there - wilco
the photo album - death cab for cutie
control - pedro the lion
never mind the bollocks...- the sex pistols

alright, my pictures from the ocean blue concert are up...clem snide is next...http://www.geocities.com/sierrajuliettromeo/theoceanblue.html

i went to see clem snide @ the abbey pub last nite. it was one of the best concerts i've ever been too. eef barzelay is so much fun live. poor olarn--had to stay up late two nites in a row because i was doing another photo shoot! oh well, it's good for him to get a bit of culture, and he wouldn't go to these things if connolly & i didn't plan them.



i've got so many photos to sort through from this weekend--i did 6 bands/artists in two nights and probably close to 400 photos. songs: ohia are coming to schuba's next week and then neil halstead just a few days after that. oh! and i'm gonna get to see mark eitzel for my birthday! if mark kozelek and/or the red house painters were to come to town, that would be so cool...it's been like a year since either hit chi-town.



alright, i'm tired--gonna go home (i'm in glenview at my former condo right now using the fast internet connection). gotta start making the donuts before the sun gets up tomorrow...



(update on my dad: it's so hard to leave him at the hospital when the clock strikes 8pm and visiting hours end. i can't stand the thought of him being alone all night. i can be terribly empathic, especially when it comes to people i love as dearly as my dad, and i could feel the pain of his loneliness every night when he grips my hand as i say goodnite. i used to wonder how much i loved my parents, whether i'd have enough of a soul to care for them out of love and not mere duty if they were to get sick. it's amazing how your ability to love in action is boosted during times like these, kind of like an adrenaline boost when you're faced with an emergency. somehow there is grace for me to love my dad during the time of his greatest need and weakness, and i know it's not because i'm a good person or of strong character or anything like that. it's grace--being able to do what i know i normally wouldn't have done.



i still can't get through the day without crying, and i was crying again as i left the hospital tonight. then i checked my voicemail, and my best friend josh had left me a message that immediately had me laughing, and he called me the same time i was listening to the voicemail, and it was enough to comfort me for the time being. that was the 2nd time josh had called today when i really needed to hear someone else's voice (usually when i'm on the road--it seems like it doesn't matter what i'm listening to these days in the car; i'm sure the beastie boys could make me cry in my current state of heart). then connolly called me tonight and played back messages that josh had left on his machine, and we both had a good laugh. i should have josh just make a tape of himself saying whatever and send them to me so that i could listen to them when i need a comical interlude.



i keep telling myself it'll be better once my dad comes home...i'm anxious for him to be surrounded by all the loving comforts of his own home instead of the cold sterile hospital bed that he's been cruelly confined to for almost 3 weeks...nevertheless, i feel that this experience is really bringing our family closer and giving me an entirely new perspective on life and its priorities.)



today's soundtrack:

wrecking ball - emmylou harris

your favorite music - clem snide

blue - joni mitchell

axxess & ace - songs: ohia

self-titled - songs: ohia

good dog bad dog - over the rhine

last nite connolly, olarn & i went to see the ocean blue at the double door. it was a really great show. i'd never seen them live before (probably because they haven't been really touring much lately), but connolly has seen them twice prior to last nite's show, and he was really excited when i told him they were coming to town. i even met a guy at the show who drove all the way from cincinnati (!!!) to see them in concert! frankly, i didn't even know what the band members looked like before the show--i just really like their music. i'm glad they're still together and making music.

i really liked taking photos at the double door. i found my little hiding place near the front of the stage so that i wasn't too conspicuous as i was shooting my photos. and it always helps to have the wall behind you to hold you up when you're footing is not so steady (i don't normally walk straight anyways and it just gets worse with alcohol and the passage of the night).

i took probably over 200 pictures last night, but it's going to take me a while to sort through them before i can post the decent ones on my website. and i have another concert i'm shooting tonight (clem snide w/ stickman jones & somebody else) so i'll be pretty busy i imagine, and most of my free time is being spent at the hospital with my dad, so i don't get much of a chance to do stuff online. hopefully he'll be home in a week or so, and that'll make things a lot easier on my mum & my bro who'll be the primary care givers as he recuperates.

we've all heard the saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. i guess i didn't realize how much my dad meant to me until now when i know i'm going to lose him soon. it was hard seeing him so helpless and weak in the hospital bed. i'm exhausted even though all i did was sit by his bed or entertain the flow of visitors all day long. my former pastor and my dad's current pastor steve nicholson came by. he and i had a good talk on our own, and i shared with him all the stuff i've been going through in terms of my personal life and my doubts about the faith i was raised on and disillusionment with the church. he was really understanding and affirming and spoke words that had such a healing effect on me. it's like he recognized who i was on my own, without my parents and brother or my friends, and he encouraged me to continue on my path in that direction. it's really hard to even describe how significant this conversation was to me at this juncture in my life, and i have a feeling it will continue to have an effect on me in the future.

it seems that it took my dad's coming this close to death to give me a kick in the rear in my quest for truth. today as i was speeding down lake ave, i heard a little voice inside me saying that through my father's process of dying, i would find salvation. it hurts to think that, but i know that my father would gladly die a thousand deaths to help me find the truth for myself.

soundtrack while driving - it's hard to find a friend - pedro the lion
soundtrack for tonight- a love supreme by john coltrane and that's it