ok. this down here was scribbled at around noon today.



i was fine until i got to church (late) & walked in while the speaker was talking about fathers. then that puppeteer who's taken over my heartstrings gave a jerk w/ no warning & the tears started. it was downhill after that. they don't do hymns too often @ this church but they happened to do one that was one of my dad's favorites and which we'd used at his funeral. the whole service seemed to be "father this" and "father that" which i guess is kind of expected on father's day. and i tried shutting all the doors and windows and shades to my heart as fast as i could, but it was too late. the damage was done.



after the service, i didn't have the nerve to talk to anyone but tim. i left right after service, got in my car, and as soon as i turned onto arlington heights road, i let my emotions take over & i sobbed. i suppose it didn't help any that on my cd player rufus wainwright happened to be singing a sad song in that sad sad puppy eye voice of his. crimeny. you gotta be careful what you put on your cd player cuz you never know when it's gonna hit you.



and now i'm parked illegally somewhere on deerfield parkway just east of rt 21 down the road from a patch of a wooded area that i've seen on several occasions driving to the wildwood. it's practically a wet little swamp after big rain storms, and i guess we had a few of those last week cuz the ground is still bathed in murky rain water. i'm going to walk on over there now and spend some time w/ my camera and my thoughts...



well, i'm at my mom's house now. it's late evening. all the photos in today's post are a result of that little walk with my camera and my thoughts. it ended up being really therapeutic. the sun was so warm and cheery, and the sky was a comforting bright blue, and the clouds were the kind you see in paintings that bring to mind images of cotton candy and snowy white down comforters. i kept finding these little gems, like these two perfect daisies in the middle of an open area in the woods that i wandered onto. i was so happy to find these because most of the daisies you run into are kinda ragged and chewed on by bugs. and these were flawless. daisies have always been my flower, and my dad told me once that he thinks of me as a daisy. so they mean even more to me now because that's how my dad saw me. and if i were a daisy in real life, i would've been one of these two.



then my best friend josh called me while i was in the middle of chasing a big fat juicy dragon fly, the kind that you just know gives rides to the likes of tinkerbell and her friends. josh always knows when i'm on a photoshoot, and he ends up becoming a part of it by talking to me while i'm shooting. we kept getting cut off, and then josh calls back and he's like screaming into the phone that it's hailing golf balls!!! he'd just gotten done w/ a flight right before the thunderstorms rolled in. i could hear the racket of the hail bombarding his little chevy in the background. then we got cut off again, and he calls back, and he's laughing and saying it's sunny and the skies are blue. a 3 minute thunderstorm w/ all the pyrotechnics & props. that must've been some storm.



my camera battery died as i was talking to josh, so i headed back to my car, and we talked some more as i drove towards the tristate until sprintpcs decided we'd talked enough & disconnected us. this is how we often end phone calls. when sprint decides we're through. so it was a good afternoon after all, between the photoshoot and josh's phone call. then i don't know what happened. it just went downhill again. man, this thing called EMOTIONS and YOUR HEART--it's a rollercoaster ride that just never ends. no wonder there are so many pop & rock'n'roll songs called rollercoaster.



well, i got through this father's day thing. i think i'll get on with my life now.



recent soundtrack--

low resolution disc one--zapruder point

the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point

get here and stay--764-hero

fetal position--bill mallonee

the photo album--death cab for cutie

yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco

amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet

a really cool mix cd made by someone else for a change

read music/speak spanish--desaparecidos (conor oberst of bright eyes)

ok. it's father's day. i'm not drunk, i'm not strung out on pain killers, and i'm awake. i'm all talk, eh? if you haven't read my older posts, you have no idea what i'm talking about...



here's last nite's journal entry. gotta run so just 2 photos for now.



(from around 2am) it's so late on saturday nite that it's actually sunday. does that make sense? whatever.



i'm on the back porch but tonight i'm not barefoot. i'm bundled up in fleece, jeans, socks AND shoes. it's frickin' cold for a june night. but the sky is clear, and the moon is a golden crescent that's literally a croissant hanging so low on the sw horizon that i can't even see it, and the stars hang where they normally hang which is all over the night sky.



it's been a lovely couple of days...friday night was bill mallonee's show @ uncommon ground. it was so awesome to see him at such a small venue. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. he performs w/ so much heart and soul and i just love his songwriting. not only that, bill is just so down to earth, compassionate and attentive to his fans you can't help but love him! man, what a treat! and he's got all these songs about his wife and from the way he sings and talks about her, it's just so obvious how much he loves and cherishes her. if every wife were regarded w/ as much love and adoration, the world would be so much more beautiful a place.





i also saw travis the frontman for cal hollow whom i'd met at the beki hemingway cd release party. he actually opened for bill, just him and his guitar. it was good to talk to him again. i like talking to folks from california. then in the middle of bill's show, i happened to see an old old churchmate walk in. it was chris langill, the guy who ran the garden lounge coffeehouse for the evanston vineyard. that was a total treat to see chris because i've been meaning to get a hold of him to see what he's up to (and cuz i've missed the garden lounge). i've got many a fond memory of dance parties @ the vineyard that chris & my friend matt dobschuetz djed for. i also saw andi & i, a wife & husband duo i'd seen a year ago at a little coffeehouse. andi has one of the most incredible voices i've ever heard, and she's a great live performer. mike choby of greenchoby was also there. it was after seeing him play his bass at that same coffeehouse that i was inspired to take a few bass lessons. alas, as i've said before, although i was allotted just as much love for music as my brother, he's the only one who actually got the talent to make music. oh well.



today (saturday) i went to the wildwood to catch up on mailing stuff out. i ended up playing w/ the boys including not only tim's boys but another little one from the church. it was a blast. little boys are so much fun. we went to the park across the street and just PLAYED like kids play cuz these WERE real kids and i got to play too cuz i was in charge cuz i happened to be the biggest one around. however, at about midnite tonite, i felt the precursor to all tomorrow's aches and pains from the afternoon's workout of simultaneously pushing two boys on the swings, one with each arm. and a gentle push was not enough for these boys; they expected each push to be made w/ all the strength i had, which isn't much, which is another reason i'm going to be really sore tomorrow...i mean today...gotta take something to remedy that...



the rest of the evening was lovely involving foot time in the city looking for a park that apprently doesn't exist (the invite to the sculpture exhibit said 3300 N and 1700 W which is basically school & somewhere west of lincoln like near paulina--nothing resembling a park on that corner unless it was microscopic and under our feet). i actually like not knowing where i'm going and just meandering until i find what i'm looking for...or not finding it as in today's case. it was still a lovely windy day with humungo perfectly fluffy white clouds and lots of sunshine, so walking around felt great.



i also met up w/ jenn & john who were near my apt after john's sketchbook performance at the chopin. we went to cafe estelle's next door to subterranean and we had drinks & a late nite snack. they have really awesome food there! actually, all i've ever had are the veggie kabobs (which i had again last night) and the veggie burger, which john had, and he said it was the best veggie burger he'd ever had. i don't know if it's because he was hungry or what, but i'd say they do make a really nice veggie burger as veggie burgers go. i think it's the bread. anyways, it was great to see jenn & hear of her vacation & get more exposure to "the gospel according to john (after a few drinks)". jenn & john are beautiful beautiful people to be around...



and now i'm here on the back porch spending time with the stars...it's father's day...the first fatherless father's day of my entire life. but right now the stars make it okay. i'm staring up up up as i type listening to one of my favorite songwriters conor oberst's desaparecidos cd (read music/speak spanish). it's lovely to be outdoors in the dark staring out into the directionless night sky dotted with tiny random specks of light. for some reason i am not sad about father's day. but it's only 2am. i've got 22 more hours left in the day. and i don't even pretend to have control over the direction of my emotions these days. my heartstrings seem to be played upon by some invisible hand that doesn't give a clue as to when it will be pulling which way and when. but right at this very moment i am content. even happy.



ouch. my arms. it's starting to hurt to type...

you know what i was thinking today? well, let me tell ya...i was thinking today that i was born to be doing what i'm doing @ the willdwood. the good old days back when i worked for eloise at the evanston vineyard are coming back to me now...the 4+ years i put in there prepared me perfectly for the stuff i'm doing here at what i fondly have been referring to as "the wildness." if the devil's in the details, i'm right in there with him cuz that's what i like picking up...all the crazy details that fall through the cracks...ok, maybe not all, but a lot anyway. i must be a really sick person to enjoy doing this. actually, it's not the actual doing that i enjoy. it's knowing that it serves a purpose in the long run towards supporting the careers of some much-deserving artists.



well, i've had my first concert photos published on someone else's website. they're of bill mallonee's abbey pub concert back in april, which is where i met my boss tim who saw me taking the photos and asked me for copies. bill is coming to uncommon ground this friday for 2 evening shows, and i'm excited about that. his new solo album is officially released on saturday, and it totally totally totally rocks!!!! for those of you who will be in chicago on july 6th, bill will be having a cd release party @ schubas tavern. it'll actually be a double cd-release party w/ erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet whose new album amelia's boot is a total party in a digipak! you can purchase your copy at pastemusic.com or just download "helplessly" and "sunshower" as mp3s for free, and then try telling me you don't want the whole cd! ok, some of you won't want it, but others of you are dormant UHQ fans just waiting to be born. i just know it. and if you like helplessly and sunshower, you absolutely have to hear words/wings and 100 years and more blue and pretty much the whole rest of the album.



today's soundtrack--

being there disc 1 & 2--wilco

yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco

letting off the happiness--bright eyes

everclear--american music club

XFM radio off the web

ok. got another NACA deadline breathing down my neck @ the wildness. sheesh. things tend to happen and time tends to keep moving even if you're not ready for either. and on top of that, we lost power at my mom's this morning like 20 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off, so instead of getting up at 05:30, the thunder woke me up at 08:15. i remember opening my eyes and wondering why i felt so rested...so i ended up staying at pca longer than expected today which meant staying later at the wildness, but still not as late as i think i should've. tim kicked me out though while i was in the middle of getting grief from the word document for our new artist steve owen's 8X10 b&w glossy. that had better fix itself by tomorrow.



anyways, i'm posting on today's post some recent paintings by bruce p. yes, this is the same bruce i'm currently in the middle of divorcing. i went over to his condo last night, and we hung out as he painted and i played some music by wildwood artists. i don't know what i was trying to achieve by going over there, but oh well. i kind of left feeling like chopped liver, but that's my own fault.



so why am i posting these photos of his work? well, he's worked pretty hard at them. he's converted the first floor of the condo from what was our music room into a painting studio. my piano's still there, but it seems to be more or less ignored these days. bruce's work tends to be large scale. each of these paintings is probably 4ftX6ft. he has some that are lots bigger and wants even larger sized paper to work with. besides, they're kind of interesting, aren't they? if there's one thing about bruce, i've always respected his artistic insights, which i totally lack. and he's the color guru.



bruce called the realtor today, and she's coming over to see the condo tomorrow afternoon. i really hope to get it on the market and sold as soon as possible. that would mean i'd have to finally move everything out of there...oh well...but it would free up a significant portion of my cash flow, as i've continued paying half the mortgage and then some on top of that. this whole divorce thing is a major pain in the rear, emotionally and logistically. i'm just glad bruce & i don't really have significant property to fight over, and that neither of us is really a hostile party. although some people think it would be better is one of us got really mad and put up a fight. well, it's not going to be me, i can tell you that for sure.



recent soundtrack--

i break chairs--damien jurado & gathered in song

something about airplanes--death cab for cutie

dog on wheels ep--belle & sebastian

the green fury--matt pond pa

musicforthemorningafter--pete yorn

california--american music club

life of david--michael knott

being there disc one--wilco

s/t ep--shannon worrell & kristin asbury

mp3s: grown man/unrequited to the nth degree--loudon wainwright; blue monday--new order; ordinary girl--bic runga; day is done--nick drake; where do i begin--chemical bros w/ beth orton; not dark yet--bob dylan; ice cube--clem snide; lonely sinking feeling--cowboy junkies

i really hate to admit this, but i actually went to church today and got something out of it. if i'm sending mixed signals, there's a reason for that. it's cuz i'm mixed up. mixed up people tend to give out mixed signals. i'm mixed up about church and faith and christianity and all that pop so i'm giving out mixed signals. they've been doing this series at life on the vine (the church in the burbs i've been going to when i stay w/ my mom) called the journey based on the book of 1peter. it's interesting because i feel like i've been a foreigner on one hell of a journey and that i've been ravaged and pillaged and mistreated and abused up one side & down the other and had my only trusted guide and navigator stolen from me and murdered, and now i'm walking the road alone, my clothes in tatters, who knows where my luggage went, and really the humane thing to do would be to take me off the side of the road and shoot me.



ok, maybe i'm being overly dramatic, but you get the gist. i can definitely relate to the weary traveller, one who's been mistreated and robbed along the way and who has recently lost the only person she trusted and who is distrustful of all the strangers surrounding her. it hasn't been a picnic to say the least. i'm kind of pissed that my dad's been taken from me when i feel like i really need someone walking me through this maze of briers and mudpits. like, what--does god think i can handle this or something? cuz i can't, you know. i'm no dummy. i know i can't get through this on my own. so since god took my dad, i'm putting it on his head to get me through this crap phase in my life cuz the fan's blowing at full blast now. and i don't wanna hear anybody telling me "god is your father now." that may be true, but if he's gonna be my father, then ok, whatever, BE my father, but i don't wanna hear anymore TALK about it. and frankly, i LIKED the father i had. and if god thinks he can just be my dad that easy cuz he's god, well, i hate to be difficult, but i'm pretty damn skeptical right now. and if i get hit by lightning for thinking all this, well, then, god just isn't as big as i hoped he'd be.



but like i was saying, i went to church today and i got something out of it and that scares me. i know it would be stupid to go to church if you didn't get anything out of it, but ya gotta understand, i've stepped back into the church cuz i'm looking for my dad and i figure i might feel closer to him at church, and i haven't really been going to GET SOMETHING out of the services. so i'm a bit frightened that i actually felt something inside me respond to the sermon of all things. i even talked to dave the sr pastor after the service, and we had a good chat. i'd say he's got his head screwed on straight, which is a relief. now i don't see myself becoming the church lady or anything like that, but i know that i've got this need to find truth, and i've got this need to live a life that's passionate about SOMETHING, and i'd rather it be for something true than something meaningless. yeah, and i know the mantra for my generation has been that there's no such thing as truth, but i don't buy that. there's something deep inside me that tells me that there IS Truth and that it's worth going after, even if i never fully grasp it. so call me a fool, call me weak-minded, whatever, i really don't care what anybody thinks of me any more because i'm the one who's gotta live with myself for the rest of my life. you could call me an idiot to my face, and i don't think it would phaze me. try it out; test me on this one.



so i still haven't decided what to do for father's day, whether to be drunk or asleep the entire day. yeah, i know, why do something that would make my dad sad? well, it's really not going to make him sad, see, cuz he's in heaven and incapable of being sad, so i'm not really worried about my dad; i'm worried about ME, and if that sounds selfish, that's cuz it is. i really don't see any other options besides inebriation, sleep, pain killers or some combination of the three for getting through that day without totally losing it.



yeah, well, anyways, i've got the house all to myself this evening, which is a rare thing these days...i am celebrating the solitude by spreading out ALL my cds that i happen to have at my mom's house on my bed and playing all the songs i wanna hear and playing 'em as LOUD as i want.



recent soundtrack:

mutations--beck

acoustic--everything but the girl

life of david--michael knott

lay it down--cowboy junkies

fetal position--bill mallonee

low resolution disc 2--zapruder point

18--moby

orange juice--annie quick

grace--jeff buckley

individ. songs: don't drink the water/stay(wasting time)/ crush/ the dreaming tree/ crash into me/ too much/ #41/ say goodbye/ let you down/ cry freedom--dave matthews band; the dark is rising/nite and fog--mercury rev; bright as yellow--the innocence mission; backseat driver--ticklepenny corner; summer dress--red house painters; walking wounded/ twin stars--everything but the girl; case of you--joni mitchell; coney island--death cab for cutie; words--wings/ helplessly/ more blue--erik brandt & the uhq; naked--stickman jones; skylines--764-hero; when you sleep--my bloody valentine; mexico/ guitar/ let me go--cake; laughingstock/western sky/ i've been a mess/ will you find me?--american music club; birds & ships--natalie merchant & billy bragg & wilco; skyway/can't hardly wait--the replacements