so i seriously can't remember the last time i went to church...oh wait, it was in october when i went up to evanston to meet up w/ my bro...but besides that i have been dodging the church bullet pretty skillfully for the most part these past couple of months. especially after all the shit that happened last month--one of my best friends' 26 year old cousin dying a month before his wedding, my grandma dying, 2 of my cats dying, the 6 month anniversary of my dad dying...it's been death death death and it's left me raw and numb at the same time.



i stole my dad's wedding band from my mom's jewelry box while she was in korea and i've been wearing it on a chain around my neck...i'll give it back to her if she wants it, but it was just kinda sitting there ya know, and i needed something to carry around w/ me...i have had some of the most painful moments of missing my dad these past few weeks...i still don't understand how it is that he's not around any more. 63 is an age for going on cruises and golf trips. 63 is an age for nagging your kids for grandchildren. 63 is an age for taking up gardening. 63 is not an age for dying...and yet i know that there is a direct correlation between how much my dad loved me and how much i miss him now and that i was lucky to have had the experience of a father's unconditional and unwavering and unabashed love...



thanksgiving is coming up this week...and as much as i am looking forward to the time off of work, i fear the emptiness of my first family holiday without my dad. and yet i know i'm lucky to at least have family that i can spend thanksgiving with...there are plenty of folks who have nobody...and even though i may feel like i have nobody sometimes, i know that's not true...i have to be thankful for the friends and family i do have...even though no one will make up for the loss of my dad, there's still plenty in my life for me to be thankful for. i have to remember that, or else i'll just become a bitter pill...i'm trying not to harden my heart, but it's difficult when it gets broken again and again...i really can't remember another year during which my heart was broken so many times...



and the whole God thing...i'm still trying to figure that one out...i feel like i've got all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me, but the pattern is so impressionistic a la monet that i can't make out what goes where and in what direction...my eyes are kinda buggin' out from staring at the pieces for so long...so i'm taking a break from trying to make the pieces fit...but i'm gonna keep at it...some questions are worth seeking the answer to even if you never get the full answer this side of reality.



today i listened to zapruder point, the cure, owen, alpha stone, bailter space and sonic boom. zapruder point really needs to play some shows. and i think disintegration by the cure is one the most beautiful albums EVER. i can listen to that album over and over and over again...and the song 'don't go' by sonic boom just makes me want to bury my head in a pillow and sob...but in a good way.

uhm, okay...it's snowing...i don't know where my gloves are...i'm staying home cuz i'm a snow wus...and i'm getting very drowsy all of a sudden...

this one's for caleb...

...this is a picture of a blue marble i found while helping pete & amy move yesterday. this picture is for caleb because it represents to me all the serendipitous rock 'n' roll moments and other moments of beauty that i experience here in this great city that i relate to him faithfully so that he'll miss chicago and hurry up and move back so that i'll have some one cool to go to shows with, someone low maintenance who knows tons more about music than i do, esp. with pete & amy becoming parents and all.

there was something special about finding this marble...i don't really know why. maybe because it's blue...maybe because it was calling my name...who knows...

re: redheaded poor old lu fans

...yeah, it was great seeing denison last night. while we were sitting in schuba's restaurant, i pointed out the painting of st. cecilia on the wall to him since he has a song called st. cecilia--ode to music on his philadelphia songs album. i had taken a photo of that painting back in september when ryan and jesse were here, and i'd meant to send it to denison, but i forgot. or i was too lazy. whichever. anyways, deni tells me that he actually wrote that song right while he was sitting at that restaurant. that was pretty cool to hear.

i really wanted to go up to madison tonight to see denison play again, and also to hear mike kinsella. i really like his songs, and i love the way he plays the guitar. it's so beautiful. and guess what? he's a drummer too!!! i just love drummers who are also singer-songwriters. like andy myers. like jesse sprinkle. that's why i wear a ringo button. for all the drummers i love.

so i saw chris langill (the dude who used to book the garden lounge where i had my first taste of indie rock) @ denison's show. he was there w/ his friend jim. he's like 'i won tickets off of WLUW!' (that's the loyola university radio station which is the only radio station worth anything in this town...i think i've said that before...). i thought that was funny cuz i had won tickets from WLUW on wednesday for the matt sharp (formerly of weezer/the rentals) show @ schubas on sunday night. i couldn't believe i was the first caller. luckily, i'd called a few minutes previously to make a request, so all i had to do was hit redial when the dj announced the contest. but still, it's just so weird that chris & i would win tickets within days of each other. i plan on calling in for tickets once a month for shows (you can only win a contest once every 30 days...i plan on winning that often). thank goodness for WLUW. they saved my life the other night when i was in my mom's car, and i didn't have my cd player, and i was forced to listen to the radio...i was listening to 94.7 the zone and i was ready to kill somebody or myself because it was so awful (although i did find out what bar in chicago has a mechanical bull...something my friend connie and i have been wanting to try out for months...). i was still out in the burbs driving home from work, and i didn't think i could get a signal for WLUW, but i thought i'd try any ways. listening to static would've been more pleasant than listening to the other radio stations. so i put on 88.7 fm, and what do i hear but death cab for cutie's president of what? the version off their just released album. i nearly cried from joy and relief.

...so wednesday night i went to see my friend ken's band downcast play @ wise fools pub. pete & amy were there so that was cool to hang out w/ them. ken wanted me to take photos, and to be quite honest w/ you, i'd taken so many photos last week, i was photoed out, and wasn't really in the mood. but lucky for ken, he wore his poor old lu t-shirt for the show, and that motivated me to take photos.

...it's funny cuz ryan wore two other poor old lu tshirts at two of the serene shows last week. so that's two redheaded poor old lu fans who are frontmen of their own bands wearing poor old lu tshirts at their shows in a span of like a week. weird.

...i worked until like 7:30 tonight...oh well...i gotta make up for all the goofing off i did last week in seattle i suppose. i still miss seattle so much...today the sky at sunset reminded me of that afternoon sky last saturday when i was hanging out w/ jesse, and we just gazed up at the speeding clouds above us that looked a fluffy white cotton candy army on the move. i love the sky when it's displaying a spectacular pattern of clouds.

being there with denison

alright...i admit i'm lazy so today's post is from an email i sent to caleb...sorry caleb if you're reading this twice...

...so yesterday i went to see denison in concert at schubas. i was starving so after his set we went to eat next door. as i'm sitting there, i hear the strains of outtasite outta mind playing over the stereo, and i'm happy to hear that song...a few minutes later, when i hear red-eyed and blue, i realize that someone's playing the entire being there cd, and i was totally psyched. and then the waitress i got was the same one we had the night i ate there w/ greg glover & ryan & jesse, and we totally loved her (jesse gave her many cds), so that was cool. i was starving so she brought out my veggie chilli like right away. cool. the chili was YUMMY...awesome.

...so deni's sitting next to me eating out of my bowl, and we're talking about how much we love being there (the album). i didn't know deni liked wilco, so i was excited, and although i couldn't decide between summerteeth and being there for my favourite album, we were totally on the same wavelength cuz i do SOOOO love being there...i'm singing along to all the songs, and i tell deni how sunken treasure always makes me cry...the line "i am so out of tune w/ you..." just says so much, and he's like "yeah, i know what you mean...." and then sunken treasure starts playing!!! and i'm like, holy cow, they're playing disc 2 now!!! and denison tells me the guy who's doing sound that night does sound for wilco, and that's probably how we were getting to hear the entire being there cds straight through that night.

...i was so happy...i didn't want to get out of my seat. i missed the entire rabbit rabbit show and part of owen (mike kinsella of american football, cap'n jazz, joan of arc, owls) which i regretted because his songs are beautiful.

but being there (really being there) w/ denison and being excited about the same album, sharing yummy chili, and just chilling to jeff tweedy's voice was totally a blissful experience, and it would have been so cool if you'd been there. although you wouldn't have eaten the veggie chili. they have great food there.

don't you just love those spontaneous little unexpected gifts of beautiful moments in which you couldn't have planned it better yourself? and being surprised by them is so much better.

end transmission.

been listening to--
you can play these songs w/ chords--death cab for cutie
the photo album--death cab for cutie
s/t--all-time quarterback
souvlaki--slowdive
just for a day--slowdive
wish--the cure
disintegration--the cure
memories of love--future bible heroes
get lost--magnetic fields
loveless--my bloody valentine
ask me tomorrow-mojave 3
no good for no one now--owen (mike kinsella)
start here--the gloria record
philadelphia songs--denison witmer
denison mix--denison witmer
s/t--the ocean blue
cerulean--the ocean blue
davey jones' locker--the ocean blue
see...--the ocean blue
roobrik--the world inside (jesse sprinkle)
untitled split ep--the world inside & 7 head division
sunsites--jesse sprinkle
s/t--serene
s/t--holiday runner
s/t--hidari mae
when we were small--rosie thomas
wreckingball--emmylou harris
revival--gillian welch
quiet is the new loud--kings of convenience
harmacy--sebadoh