tonight's entry is an email to a friend modified to protect the guilty (which includes myself)...



today was a weird day for me...this whole weekend has been weird...i spent a lot of time alone and wrapped up in my thoughts, which is not always a good thing...today i kept my promise to caleb & pierre and dropped off my gibson @ chicago music exchange to be set up...then i browsed the used cd store and i bought modern english's after the snow (i'll stop the world and melt with you...that song always makes me teary-eyed), babes in toyland & L7 cuz i'm getting into the whole riot grlll genre, morrisey's your arsenal cuz morrisey rules, screaming trees and starsailor just becuz, and most importantly motley crue's greatest hits because it had my favourite song from my youth on it--home sweet home which i'm listening to now on repeat (you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold...)...then i bought a blue gingham shirt cuz it was like five bucks and i've been looking for a snapbutton blue gingham shirt for months...then i bought a coat with the name HOWIE stiched on it, maybe in hopes of becoming someone else...becoming HOWIE...because HOWIE seemed like a great person to be at the moment...i also bought a multicolored wool hat which i have decided is going to be my equivalent of holden caulfield's hunting cap...i am still wearing it now as i sit in my jammies writing this...



after my little sentimental shopping spree, i called up one of my best friends from high school olarn and we decided to meet for dinner...as i drove up to the northside where he lives, i went past some of my old (and recent) haunts...put on wilco's being there disc one and listened to misunderstood (when you're back in your old neighbourhood...the cigarettes taste so good...but you're so misunderstood...there's something there that you can't find...honest when you're tellin' a lie...you hurt her but you don't know why...you love her but you don't know why...)...



drove down broadway past the uptown bank...the building on broadway & catalpa across the street from st. ita's where my jr high friend jin & i played w/ her grandma's mutt of a dog charlie running around on the roofs, where the buildings are so close together we had a football field of asphalt as our playground and we ran and ran and ran as only children can...i drove down ridge ave...past the laundryland where i would go w/ my mom to do our laundry when i was only as tall as the washing machines...past the corner store on ridge and glenwood that was owned by my friend sandra's dad "poppy" where i would buy jolly rancher sticks for a dime (i bought way too many of those) just metres away from our first apartment in the usa...past the corner of clark & ridge where the jack in the box used to be where i'd have tacos w/ my childhood playmate ruthie before our tae kwon do class every day (gross, i know...what were we thinking...)...past my jr high apartment at paulina & ridge across from the heart of chicago motel...down peterson to california where i got gas at the bp amoco where i bought my first pack of cigarettes over a decade ago...around the corner down washtenaw to thorndale, a half block from my first boyfriend's apartment, a half block from where my best friend josh grew up and where his parents still live...to the stop sign at thorndale and california where my alma mater stephen tyng mather high school is located, where you can see the windows to the swimming pool where i have fond memories of the boys' swim team that many of my friends were on...down south on california to olarn's house on catalpa...picked up olarn, got a call from our other friend connolly whom we amazingly ran into at the corner of thorndale & california at the stop sign by the school swimming pool...followed connolly to his apartment so he could drop off his car...and we drove to the olive garden at mccormick & touhy...



over minestrone & salad, the three of us talked as only close friends can...about love and relationships and friendship...



after dinner, we went to dunkin donuts for coffee, and sitting on the stools looking out the window in between my connolly and olarn, i realised that i had it good...these two boys are devoted to me and love me unconditionally, and what more can a girl ask for in this life?...they've seen me through the breakup of my marriage, losing josh to new york, losing my dad the only man i've ever truly felt loved by, heartbreak after heartbreak, mistake after mistake...and they're always there for me...



driving back home after dropping off the boys, i drove down lincoln ave...noticed that hubbs the greekish fast food joint where my friends and i have hung out since high school got a facade lift...noticed that the brand new police station was open for business at berwyn & lincoln...drove past sulzer regional library where i would go in high school to do my "serious" research...drove down damen, a street which means so much to me these days...past xippo, the bar where i came face to face w/ the realisation of my own potential for evil 3 weeks ago...and i realised how much i love this city...the floodgate of memories opening wide and pouring over me as i reflected on the evening...listening to wilco's via chicago (searching for a home, searching for a home, searching for a home via chicago)...and i knew that i would be leaving chicago someday, that i had to leave and go to a place without ghosts and memories at every corner...and the tears welled up at roscoe and damen...it felt warm enough to roll my windows all the way down as i had my first cigarette of the evening...and i drove down damen, the path i took so many nights after being with my dad in the hospital...over the bridge at clybourn which to me symbolises the turning point, the access point between my old life and my new life on my own at my bucktown apartment...and as i passed the onramp to the kennedy at webster & damen, i prayed that god, wherever and whoever he was, would not let me go...



and with my heart brimming w/ a whole spectrum of emotions, i drove and drove, past churchill which is where i should have turned...and i drove past a friend's apartment where i learned so much about who i was by finding out who i wasn't...down the kennedy to the eisenhower to morgan to harrison to halstead at the corner where the UIC dorms are, the corner dormroom on the 4th floor where i spent countless hours my freshman year w/ my friends as they cut class and played cards while i listened to cheesy korean pop and stared out the window that overlooked the downtown skyline and daydreamed my first quarter of college away...down halstead past UIC's circle center...to taylor...down to loomis...to the parking lot by the two towers...back on taylor to racine to harrison past the jewel parking lot where i parked my car the first day of college because i didn't know where the hell to park...past parking lot 1b by the Behavioral Science Building where i ended up parking my freshman year...down may st...down polk past fontana subs where i'd gone since i was a kid except it was on the opposite side of the street from where i remembered it being...back to halstead...past zorbas where we would eat in the middle of the night my freshman year of college...down madison past morgan where the starbucks is that rt & i sat in and talked last last friday...down washington past the museum of holography...down to the loop...to lake and wacker where i parked the car and did a photoshoot beneath the green line 'L' tracks on the bridge over the chicago river...i've always wanted to do a photoshoot from one of these bridges downtown...i always pick cold nights for photoshoots, i don't know why, but i was glad i had my hat...i love the loop...i love the 'L' tracks...



and then i drove home...and i felt good...photoshoots always put me in a better mood...



and i came home to the news that someone out there besides me had a thing for a jd salinger character...comforting to me that is...



and now, after writing all this down, i feel even better...because now i have a record of tonight...and it's important because i covered a lot of ground...geographically and mentally and emotionally...



musicwise, i listened to fugazi until i hit chicago nostalgia mode when i played wilco's being there & summerteeth and various lyrics from their songs got me teary-eyed all night long...besides the aforementioned lyrics..."baby you've been taking me way too seriously...i can't ever explain why i don't feel the pain...i left you behind and i know it's been a long time...but i'm not over you..." (forget the flowers)..."all i wanted to say is how much i miss you" (red eyed and blue)..."crumbling ladder tears don't fall they shine down your shoulders" (via chicago)..."how to fight loneliness...smile all the time...shine your teeth til meaningless...sharpen them with lies" (how to fight loneliness)..."oh i long to hold you in my arms and sway...kiss and ride on the CTA" (far far away)...etc etc etc...goodnight...

sj: well, i guess i'll see you in the near future, hopefully.



rt: i don't think so.



sj: ever again?



rt: nope.



sj: so this is it?



rt: yup.



sj: you're kidding, right?



(rt gives me a look of amused disbelief)



rt: of course! what are you thinking??



sj: well, i don't know...



does this conversation prove that i'm the most gullible little shit in the world or that i'm just a girl?



to further prove i'm an idiot and a girl, here is a little diddy i wrote a half hour ago...



quarter to 3

saturday nite

last call done and

passed me by

get me out

get me high

get me anywhere

but in my own skin tonight

i'm not confused

i'm not conflicted

i'm human

and i need to be loved

just like morrisey

just like you



lights turned up

tunes have stopped

i'm going home

good night.



and today this is what i accomplished: the entire daylight hours were a dismal failure. after it got dark, however, i went to trader joes where rt helped me pick out the best damn box of clementines in the store as well as a good bag of pita bread. then i went to uncommon ground and chatted w/ mike c. and dropped off ticklepenny posters. next i went to reckless records north and got a parking spot on briar right off of broadway, can you believe it?? and it was legal too. i then proceeded to purchase all the fugazi cds reckless had, le tigre's s/t, sonic youth's experimental jet set, trash and no star, the best of david bowie 1974-1979, and the sex pistol's pretty we ain't. next i went back home and put away the groceries and put my other shit away (e.g. out of site). then i watched zoolander. good god i love owen wilson...and that soundtrack...shit! like wake me up before you go-go...i remember how old i was when that happened...i won't SAY how old i was, but i was old enough to still be able to retreive the memory from right here in 2003...and last but not at all the least i went to see ethan spin @ get me high w/ rt...



i am in love with joy division's song atmosphere. the drum part makes me want to cry because it makes me think of all the drummers i so dearly love and/or admire immensely...jesse...rt...glenn...kevin...josh of appleseed cast...



if anyone knows where douglas coupland lives, can you let me know so i can kick his ass till he's bloody and then gently kiss his wounds afterwards.



and i still have an adorable affectionate cat available to a loving home.



oh, and rt tells me that all my newcastles are gone in his apartment...seems like SOMEBODY'S been drinking our beer and not sharing!!! no wonder mj's not picking up that damn phone...he's lucky i'm quite fond of him so i'm not even the slightest bit mad...c'mon guys...when has sarah EVER complained about other people drinking her beer? uhm...NEVER....sheesh, i mean i'm storing it at a fruckin' BACHELOR PAD for jimeny's sake!!! what, did i think the beer would mysteriously stay in their bottles w/ single men around??? i'm naive and gullible, yeah, but i'm not plain STUPID...



alright...i'm gonna go listen to some nice relaxing music as i fall asleep...something along the lines of i wanna be sedated...because i do you know...be sedated i mean...

i have failed at everything i set out to do today...



i'm sorry, caleb...i'm sorry pierre...i'm sorry todd...i have failed you ALL, dickey's funky love bomb...the chicago music exchange closed at 5:56 instead of 6:00!!!!!!



if they'd only closed when they told me...6:00...then i would have accomplished one thing that i set out to do today...yeah, right...it was hopeless and i knew it the moment i set out from my apartment with 5:38 flashing on my autoclock...



oh well...i AM gonna get my guitar setup, i AM, i AM...



i've been listening to a lot of loud music lately...like dig me out by sleater-kinney right now. and before that was daydream nation by sonic youth...and then there's joy division...ramones...gang of four (today was the first day in WEEKS that i didn't listen to any gang of four)...bikini kill...sex pistols...the clash...i'm just in that mood lately...give it to me loud and fast please...OH, yeaaaaahhhhh...



ok. i'm gonna go to the trader joe's before THEY close too damn it...dear god please let me get one thing right today please oh please oh please...

so here's what i am currently reading simultaneously...life after god by doug coupland...letters to a young poet by rainer maria rilke...catch me if you can by frank abagnale...late and posthumous poems by pablo neruda...and my latest is the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger...add to this that i have been listening to gang of four's entertainment! nonstop and that i have just bought joy division's substance and a ramones compilation of quote unquote their toughest hits...when you take all this into consideration, you shouldn't be surprised at my current manic depressive state...



i came to a realisation this week...it's a rather disturbing one...and here is what i realised...this is embarrassing...but anyways...uhm...well...so it seems that ever since high school, ever since i read the catcher in the rye...well....i've been in love with holden caulfield all these years...oh, it's true...i am in love w/ a fictional sixteen year old prep school flunk-out who would chronologically be old enough to be my dad...now should i just leave it at that or shall i expound on my discovery? well, ok, it's not like i'm here pining for holden...it's just that one passage where he's telling his sister phoebe what he would do all day if he had his choice...about the thousands of kids playing...oh, wait, let me just quote that part:



"anyways, i keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, i mean--except me. and i'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. what i have to do, i have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--i mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going i have to come out from somewhere and catch them. that's all i'd do all day. i'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. i know it's crazy, but that's the only thing i'd really like to be. i know it's crazy."



it sounds silly for holden to want to protect these kids from plunging from the idyllic field of childhood into the phoniness of adulthood...but it's sweet of him to want to, ya know? yeah...i need to grow up...but do i really? they say that girls mature faster than boys...and women always complain about how immature men are...and yeah, some of them are a bit much...but what's wrong w/ being carefree and playful and innocent like a child? sometimes i feel like a little girl in a grown woman's body trapped in a world of grown people w/ grown-up expectations of me...



i am a hopeless cause...HOPELESS i tell ya, HOPELESS!!!



on a good note, connolly & i went to barnes & noble last night and ate at the thai wild ginger WITHOUT OLARN and i had me some tofu pad thai which generally puts me in a good mood...yes...thai boy stayed home complaining about not having slept well this week...now if i stayed home every friday night to catch up on the sleep i should have gotten the week before, i would NEVER EVER get to go out on fridays...suck it up, dude, you're not dead yet...



josh called while i was @ B&N w/ connolly, and it was good talking to him again...it's been a while...we exchanged our ideas on how to "save money." that's always nice...yes, josh is getting married in october...i will need to find a floorlength black dress by then...ugh...dresses...someday maybe i will learn to wear dresses but for now i am not into them at all...i'd rather wear pajamas...

i lied. i'm not cleaning my apartment tonight. that's what happens when you get stuck in friday traffic...you get on the phone and make plans and the next thing you know you're meeting connolly @ barnes & noble in 20 minutes and eating dinner and then seeing a movie...olarn better meet up w/ us...i don't care if the chinese giant mr. ming is playing on tv tonight...why would anyone want to watch a basketball game over spending time w/ me & connolly?



so i talked to josh and lielle...i am officially the "groomsmaid", best friend of the groom, for the wedding...i get to wear a BLACK dress...HA! and i get to walk down the aisle by myself. HA! that's good, cuz if i had to walk down the aisle w/ someone else, i would've gotten weirded out, like, woah, this feels a bit familiar and not too good...