this entry is rated IGTBA! for I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE!!!!!



the following is an email to my boss:



"well, so i didn't leave work until probably 7:30 or something tonight, thinking i'd beat traffic by then, right...well, yeah, boy oh boy did i beat traffic...unfortunately, i would've been better off leaving at 4pm when it was 127 minutes from deerfield road to the loop, cuz that would've meant i was going 2 mph as opposed to the 60 mph i was going on the edens when my tire hit a little snow bank and my steering wheel decided to try to murder me by losing control and flinging me into a very very hard concrete barrier, which didn't like being smashed into and flung my car away, making it lose control through 3 lanes of traffic and spinning me around so that when i finished my oddessy, i was facing north in the southbound rightmost lane of the edens just south of old orchard. i though those cars coming at me head on were good samaritans stopping to help when i realized i was still actually in a driving lane and so i quickly managed to pull over to the shoulder, still facing the opposite direction as everyone else on that side of that really hard concrete barrier. my air bags had deployed and smashed the faceplate of my cd player, for which i was very sad.



no broken bones though. at least i don't think so...and the airbag must've done what it was supposed to cuz my face wasn't smashed in and my ribs weren't broken. my left hand might be broken though...i had this lump on it the size of a walnut, and it's blue...it looked like the cartoons when someone gets hit in the head w/ a hammer...a nice lovely perfectly round lump...



the cops were pretty surprised i walked away from that w/out any blood or something broken, not to mention the fact that nobody managed to hit me (or vice versa) as i veered totally out of control while everybody else was going at least 60 mph. after that though everything went pretty well...a cop came within 4 minutes of the accident cuz someone was nice enough to call which was a godsend cuz i had no idea what number to dial...all 3 cops (1 skokie cop and 2 state troopers) were cute and polite and let me sit in the back of their vehicles...did you know once youre in the back of a police car, you can't get out? i suppose it makes sense...and did you know they don't have cushions back there? it's totally PLASTIC and hard as hell...i really couldn't have picked a better spot for an accident because my mom lives really close to the old orchard exit, but she didn't even have to come get me there, cuz the tow truck (FREE! care of the state...or your tax dollars i guess) took me to a body shop just a mile from her house.



i'm safe and sound at my apartment right now...i'm still surprised i'm not dead...it's funny...as i was in total noncontrol crossing 3 lanes of traffic, the thought that went through my mind was , "oh, crap...this isn't a video game..."



after 12 years of impeccable driving, i'm making up for lost time in 6 months...2 accidents in august, a speeding ticket in december, somebody did a hit & run number on my back bumper a couple weeks ago, and now this...my insurance will probably give me the boot...i think i'm going to go carless...



so that's my story, and i think it's enough to last the whole week.



i guess it's a good thing i took a vacation day tomorrow...i'm still gonna go out and have fun though...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...i will not be sore...



see y'all on thursday, and drive really safe cuz there are crazy folks out there on them roads. like me. actually, i won't be back on the roads until thursday, so you can breathe easy until then.



i really am fine so don't worry about me!"



end transmission.



so yeah, that was my big excitement of the night. i told rt that i think some force out there is trying to kill me. like remember last month when i got hit by that car while crossing the street? ok, so i only got knocked to the ground, and i walked away from that one too, but still...it's weird...i now have a bruise on my right knee to match the bruise i got from that incident on my left knee. ugh...rt told me we need to go to atlanta so i can go to defensive driving school. that's where he went and took driving classes, the kind that race car drivers would have to go through...now none of you will ever get in a car with me i bet...wait till ryan hears about this...tonight was driving by braille the size of tree stumps...



and the morale of the story is, you don't know when you're gonna die, so make it a good one. and i just wanna tell you all out there that I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE YOU!!! I REALLY REALLY DO!!!



p.s. funny thing is when i got home tonight, i had an email from my friend brandon in bloomington that ended: "hope you're still alive!" like how weird is that?! and before leaving work, i had sent rt an email that ended "i'm still scared to leave work..." and then my previous post, that little poem about death and his arrows...shit, i had no idea that i was a frickin' target too! speaking of targets, i'm gonna have my first (and probably only) archery lesson on feb 15th. i can't wait!!!



today i was listening to loud, fast ramones when i did my own loud fast number...and then i listened to no depression when i got home.

sunday night after work, i went over to my mom's to take a shower cuz my pipes were frozen...my brother was at a super bowl party, so i think she was pretty glad to see me...i have to be honest with you...going over there is really hard for me because i miss my dad so much whenever i go there...his presence lingers in every nook and cranny in that place...while i was there, i found my notebook in which i'd written journal entries, misc notes to self, letters to josh i never sent and a few poems during my dad's last month and right after he died...it was so weird reading through it...i don't even remember having that notebook because i was always blogging on this thing...crimeny, i must have been writing CONSTANTLY...



there was a letter in there that i'd written to my dad...it was in korean...i know i wrote it during the last few days of his life because it was when i had started to spend the night in his hospital room...and it reminds me that i was the last person to be w/ my dad while he was still conscious and could speak and respond...



these are a few quotes from the notebook...



"cancer is the devil's love child with himself..."



"today my father turned 64 in a hospital room with hospital food surrounded by hospital things..."



"time is irritating me by being so stubbornly headed forward ignoring my pleas to slow down..."



"my emotions are playing tricks on me and have decided all of a sudden to be shrouded in a layer of mystery that i just can't penetrate. i am having a hard time figuring out what the heck is going on inside of me."



"death is shooting arrows.

his aim is sure;

his target--my father"



on a lighter note, my mom let me play uncle tupelo's march 16-20, 1992 album for her...when i first got no depression a while back, she put that one on herself...i explained to her why uncle tupelo was so important, who jay farrar and jeff tweedy were, about son volt and wilco...she listened and nodded politely. she told me she finds the music interesting, and she wants to hear it because i love it so much. i wonder if she'd get into bikini kill...i doubt it...



been listening to--

murray street--sonic youth

one beat--sleater-kinney

dig me out--sleater-kinney

reject all american--bikini kill

nemesisters--babes in toyland

s/t--le tigre

hungry for stink--l7

repeater--fugazi

steady diet of nothing--fugazi

argument--fugazi

a brief history of the 20th century--gang of four

entertainment!--gang of four

raw stooges--iggy & the stooges

summer teeth--wilco

march 16-20, 1992--uncle tupelo

substance--joy division

loud, fast ramones--the ramones

well, the burnt popcorn incident would've blown over quietly if nobody had used the microwave today...since that is not the case, the pantry once again smells of burnt popcorn...they need to figure out a better bag or something to prevent popcorn from burning to a crisp...or require that people who buy microwave popcorn have a shred more intelligence than people like, say, myself...



so anyways...saturday afternoon after the photoshoot at the pulaski park fieldhouse, i went to go see my friend john b. who has been working on building a solar powered electric truck for about as long as i've been friends w/ him, which is like over four years...john taught me everything i know about databases that i didn't already know intuitively...he let me pirate all his code for work...we used to share an office together 5 months out of the year for a couple years, and we would talk for hours and hours about anything and everything under the sun. john is the one who introduced me to environmental issues and eating vegetables in mass quantities. i would also have to credit john for shaking me out of my slumber those years when i was floundering about not knowing who i was. he really challenged me to think critically for myself...i don't think i'd be where i am now without his influence. he's been a huge support for me these past several years and we always have a ton of fun...like when he introduces me to his friends as his love child from back when he was serving in viet nam.



anyways, john has the distinction of having the only solar powered apartment flat in the city of chicago. and i was there when he had his solar debut party when he pulled the switch from ComEd to sunpower. so saturday afternoon, john was finally putting the engine of the electric truck he's been slaving over back on the chassis. this was another one of those milestones, so of course i showed up for it. there were a couple people there filming the event and interviewing john for a documentary that a show on the A&E channel is doing on john because he's such an interesting person. did i mention he's also a master ceramicist? and can play the piano? and speaks fluent french? and is an outfitter for wilderness canoe trips to quetico provincial park in canada's boundary waters? i went on a week long canoe trip w/ john a few years ago, and being in the wilderness like that changed my whole perspective on life. i was the only girl on the trip, but good ol' john didn't let me play princess...he made me do a little bit of EVERYTHING, including portaging a canoe all by my little self. thank god it was the shortest portage on the trip. yeah, it's about time y'all met john...he's a pretty important figure in my life.



after the solar roller event, i went to the garden lounge, the coffeehouse @ the evanston vineyard that my friend chris langill runs. i credit chris w/ putting me on the track to discovering indie music back in the day. it's been a while since the last coffeehouse, so this was kind of a new season opener. it was totally packed! i couldn't believe it...it was more crowded than wedding receptions that have taken place in that space...it was a cd release party for andi & i, a husband and wife indie folk rock/pop duo. andi, the wife, has one of the most soulful voices i've ever heard. i love hearing and watching her perform.



it was quite a varied show, opening up w/ andy young on hammer dulcimer & al on guitar playing some celtic music...then andi joined them...and later mike choby the most amazing bass player ever (he inspired me to take bass lessons) got on stage...then the drummer (tim?)...then the keyboard player...it was a full band, and they got pretty funky...they actually did a version of kung-fu fighting w/ the disco ball spinning around...and in between, there was a lovely song that al sang for andi (tupelo honey by van morrison) and even an andi impersonation contest which was pretty hilarious. i had to leave just when things started getting funky (funk rules!) because i had a chinupchinup/appleseed cast show to go to @ the empty bottle. all in all, though, i'd say it was a smashing success of an evening.



i missed chinupchinup, which is ok cuz i see them like all the time. i'm sure they played well. they were pretty tight when i saw them a couple months ago. rt was there already talking business w/ chris from chinupchinup when i arrived for the show. i didn't really get much of a chance to talk to him cuz he was busy talking business, i guess. but he did watch appleseed cast w/ me cuz i wanted him to see their drummer play. i LOVE ac's drummer! he is soooooooo NUTS!! i inevitably end up just watching josh the drummer because he's so frickin' mesmerising!! i swear, i think he drank an entire gallon of water during the show--he was drinking out of a PITCHER. i'm always scared he's going to go into cardiac arrest, the way he plays and all...his performance alone was worth the price of admission...but then you add on top of that the absolutely beautiful guitars...and the keys add a nice spacey touch...it's all good...pete missed the show cuz his flight got in late, and the roads were all snowy...next time though!



serene is starting another tour wednesday...unfortunately, jesse's not drumming w/ them cuz of stuff going on at home...i'm soooooo bummed...this means i'll have to go out to seattle sometime soon to see him...and if i don't go to SXSW, i'll have to DEFINITELY go to seattle so i can see ian too. i just got an email from him telling me i gotta come and hang w/ the fam...i totally totally want to!!! if i go to SXSW, i'll go on thurs night, make it in for the arena rock records showcase and see ian and his band...and there are so many others...damien jurado...IDLEWILD...death cab...etc etc etc...speaking of idlewild, they're playing the double door on 3/21!!!! eeek!!! an idlewild concert i can WALK TO!!!! i ran into my friend butta, chicago's bootleg master, at the appleseed cast show, and he gave me a heads up on it. i'd given him a mix cd of idlewild songs at the last appleseed cast show. oh, remember that song i wrote about my buttons last week? well, it turns out butta wrote a poem about buttons too! but he calls them pins. is that weird or what!



ok. that's it for now...

this entry is rated P for pathetic.



you know how on microwave popcorn, the instructions say not to leave popcorn unattended while it's popping? well...that's a good tip to follow...and when you're popping popcorn in your office pantry, it should be MANDATORY...



yes, it's superbowl sunday, and i'm at work, and yes, i left the pantry while the popcorn was in the microwave, and yes it burned something awful...i went and got the security guard because i was afraid the smoke would set off the fire alarm, and then the lake forest fire department would be taken away from their superbowl activities, and i'd never hear the end of it from my coworkers...i think we're okay now...the fire alarm would've gone off by now, and i turned on the vent/fan on the microwave...the entire half of the first floor smells like burnt something or another...great...it's where the CEO's office is...thank god i didn't use the executive pantry...my ass would be toast on monday...i just hope the smell is gone by tomorrow...it's not like i can open a window or anything...i hate big corporate buildings with windows that don't open...



i'm such an idiot...i mean, when i wanna cook, i can make something quite tasty...then i go and do something like burning microwave popcorn...when bruce & i first started dating, i couldn't even boil water...literally...



well, the good thing about working when no one is here is that i can play music i normally don't get to play during normal business hours, like bikini kill, and i can play it as LOUD as i want...or as loud as my speakers can handle...more later...

so i totally forgot about my archery clinic w/ the lincoln park archery club today...it was about noon when i remembered, and it had started at 11am...by the time i got there at pulaski park, just about a mile from my apartment, there were only a couple people left. the instructor was still there, though, and he gave me a business card for someone who gives private archery lessons. it's all the way out in forest park, but i think my friends john & jon want to take the lessons too so maybe we could drive together...



anyways, i got the info i needed, and then i did a photoshoot right there on the grounds of the pulaski park fieldhouse...it's a pretty impressive building, actually. old...big...really turn of the century chicago...it was crowded w/ neighbourhood kids running around...i really liked the long hallway that overlooks the park in the back. i love long hallways in general...the angles they create are just so cool...



it was a lovely day today...i mean it must have been a balmy 27 degrees or something! wow! that's a heat wave compared to what we've had lately. it felt so good to be outdoors...i realized today that i don't get a lot of time w/ the sun these days since i basically go to work and then come home when it's way after the sun's gone down...the weekend is my only chance for time w/ the sun...so i really need to stop wasting time and get out there...maybe if i stopped staying up until 5 am on a worknight, i wouldn't have to catch up on my sleep on the weekends...we'll see...



so i finished reading life after god by douglas coupland for the upteenth time at around 5am this morning...that book just kills me every time...and this time it was even more significant because i've changed so much since the last time i read it, which was last march...last march when the rollercoaster ride a.k.a. my life began rolling...reading this book again was like looking into a clear pool of water and seeing my reflection...i don't know how doug coupland does it, but when he writes, it's like he's writing MY story...i'm sure everybody in my generation who reads that book feels the same way, esp. if they've got a few screws loose in their heads like me...



the last story really got to me...it's about the narrator's chilhood circle of friends and how they've ended up as adults...a generation that was raised without faith or beliefs...reading the story made me think of my own friends...how we've changed, stayed the same, gotten closer, gotten further apart...there's this one passage in that story that really resonates deeply with me...it's one of the narrator's friends who's speaking...



"i think about this...i think about how hard it is--even with the desire, and even with the will and the time--i think of how hard it is to reach that spot inside us that remains pure that we never manage to touch but which we know exists--and i try to touch that spot...man, what else is there? i've never touched that spot yet, but i'm still trying...oh, i know you guys think my life is some big joke--that it's going nowhere. but i'm happy. and it's not like i'm lost or anything. we're all too fucking middle class to ever be lost. lost means you had faith or something to begin with and the middle class never really had any of that. so we can never be lost. and you tell me, scout--what is it we end up being, then--what exactly is it we end up being then--instead of being lost?"



i'm looking for that pure spot inside me...i don't know why, but i need to touch something pure...and i want it to be something inside me...but unlike todd in this story, i did have faith to begin with...so does that mean i'm lost now?? sometime i feel lost, and sometimes i feel found...i swing on this pendulum of various extremes...back and forth, back and forth...life after god...what is there to life after god?



i'm going to the evanston garden lounge to see andi and i. then it's to the empty bottle for chinup chinup and appleseed cast. today i listened to fugazi's argument. that's all.