it is just past midnite...i am sitting in a cheap plastic chaise lounge (the kind you get at your local drug store chain) on my mom's little deck out in the back. from where i'm sitting, there is absolutely no artificial light whatsoever in sight, except for the glow of my laptop monitor of course. that's one of the things i love about my mom's house-it's so dark outside at night in these parts that you can really see the stars. and on a moonless night like tonight, the constellations are amplified all the more. the longer you stare at the sky and just wait silently and patiently, the more stars come out of hiding, one by one. what a lovely, perfect night...warm enough to sit outside in jeans and a light sweater with bare toes, and cool enough to keep me from sweating. the air smells like cool, damp soil...it's such a reassuring scent. tonight, i will choose to be happy, even for these few little moments, because the stars are so beautiful and gentle and soothing and hopeful and comforting.



my brother jim is home now and he sits out with me and we look at the stars together wondering what we're looking at. we chat a bit, talk about what we did that day, about going to cornerstone. we share a shooting star together...i see the star gracefully glide upwards in one starlight streak looking like a confident chess maneuver as it disappears forever into the night; it is such a bright one that my brother sees it too out of the corner of his eye. we sit some more, hoping to see another one, but i know that it will be hard to top the one we just saw...we stare at the sky some more and pass the silence back and forth...i wonder if jim is missing my dad like i am...



if i weren't considered a delicacy to the mosquito population, i would just sleep out here under the stars tonight.

so i went and saw collaboraction's 2002 summer sketchbook last night to see my friend john roberts in one of the short (very short) plays. the performance overall was an interesting mix that included not only drama, comedy, dance, and a guy strumming a nylon-stringed guitar, but also an actual dj who would spin in between each play. he played a few of my old faves, including new order's blue monday & depeche mode's just can't get enough. ah, the good old 80's...i am getting old. exhibited inside the performance area and outside in the lobby were original artwork by various artists that represented different types of sketches (it's a sketchbook, get it?).



now i have to admit i totally did not understand some of the plays. but i don't think jenn & john understood everything entirely either, so i didn't feel so bad, since they're the experts and i'm not. but i happen to be a believer in not understanding everything. i don't think you need to have comprehension to have appreciation, because if you did, i wouldn't appreciate like 99.999999% of the arts and life in general. i like having a bit of mystery in life. there's beauty in mystery, i think. that's why i'm not very good at science; i like some things being left unexplained to me so that i can just wonder about it. things like rainbows, shooting stars, the ocean in a sea shell, the phases of the moon, color, sound, vertigo, the change in seasons, snowflakes, echoes, clouds, thunderstorms, lightning, water, mirrors, light, etc...



after the performance, john & jenn & i went next door to the big wig, a bar/club that we could get a free coctail at w/ our ticket stub. it was rather loud, but i found the decorations somewhat interesting. i liked the softening effect of the toule covering the disco ball and light fixtures on the ceilings. the pulsating dance music was not my favorite, not that i danced or anything (so far, the only place i really like dancing in chicago is either the privacy of my own home where i can pick my own tunes or the liar's club), but it was definitely not crowded, and i got a free whiskey sour. can't beat free drinks.



now i think i've mentioned my fondness for jenn & john for jenn's gourmet cooking skills, for introducing me to zapruder point, for being real people and christians at the same time, and just a general delight to be around. well, another reason i like them is that they also are music lovers. and last night they shared some of that love w/ me by giving me some singles/eps from their collection. now y'all know how i feel about free cds, so i was one happy camper by the end of the evening. a totally cool performance, some nostalgic 80's music, free whiskey sour, interesting lighting, and free cds...how do you beat that for an evening? thanks, jenn & john!!!



soundtrack since i left off--

comfort eagle--cake

nobody knows this is everywhere--764-hero

a golden field of radioactive crows--77's

the following are what jenn & john gave me =):

when you sleep--my bloody valentine (i've always LOVED this song)

busy building/hazel motes/poor boy/don't break--shannon worrell & kristin asbury (a.k.a. september '67--man, i love this stuff)

hey hey you say/just to see you--papas fritas (i love this one too!!! jenn & john--"i'm not worthy! i'm not worthy!")

i'm headed over to the chopin theatre to see a performance of collaboraction's summer sketchbook. my friend john roberts is appearing in the world premiere of a short play called tornado. john & his wife jenn sampson introduced me to the music of dan phillips a.k.a. zapruder point. so i'm eternally grateful to both of them.



it's the weekend!!!!! woohoooooooo!!!!!! i plan on playing hard!!! one more week until bill mallonee @ uncommon ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



today's soundtrack:

self-titled--the innocence mission

summershine--VoL

fetal position--bill mallonee

orange juice--annie quick

amelia's boot--erik brandt & the urban hillbilly quartet

yankee hotel foxtrot--wilco

misc. mp3s: peaches & cream/nicotine & gravy/milk & honey--beck; to spare you/hope is all i have/floating away--beki hemingway; get me away from here, i'm dying--belle & sebastian; wasting time--blink182; sweetheart, you're surrounded--the ocean blue; like a radio/goodbye--over the rhine; options/bad diary days--pedro the lion; designs on you--old 97's; sarah/halo friendly--damien jurado; lilac wine--jeff buckley; nothing gives me pleasure--josh rouse; wandering star--portishead; parallel lines--kings of convenience; two stones in my pocket--neil halstead; strange currencies/ belong--r.e.m.; all mixed up--red house painters; when will the sun rise again--simon joyner; anything--sixpence none the richer; like i do/smile--stickman jones; backseat driver--ticklepenny corner; kite--u2; jay/devils in the architecture/background to your drunk/devils-video killed the radio star--zapruder point

this was written earlier this morning:



my mother's muffled sobs float through the ceiling that separates us, and i am frozen again. what kind of a brute am i that i can't show comfort and sympathy for my own mother? do i feel too sorry for myself to have any empathy for her? is that what i'm doing? feeling sorry for myself? i don't know...but lately the melody of my heart has been playing a dirge, everything's in a minor key, and these chord progressions are getting more and more disturbing.



and so i will drown it all out with what i can. work, more work, music that's louder than my internal cries, distractions & indulgences, emotional entanglements, forgetfulness, phone calls to an 847 area code phone in new york, whiskey sours & sierra nevadas. am i going to make it? i suppose i will. if i don't, it would not be fun...



ok. that's enough moroseness for a while. let's move on to petulance.



well, i TRIED to see annie quick & stickman jones yesterday at the abbey pub to shoot some photos. tim was going to meet me there and we thought they were going on at 11pm. so i got there a little after 9, thinking that was plenty of time, but as soon as i opened the door to the pub, i knew something was wrong. why in the world was i hearing annie singing? is this like a full blown sound check? then i see posted the evening's lineup, and stickman jones had gone up at 8:45. i made it for their last song and that's it. crimeny! ok, whatever. i felt bad a) because i wanted to get photos of annie & her band, b) because i really wanted to hear live versions of songs off annie's new album (which is like way excellent) and c) because...well, i can't think of a c) because, but i'm sure there are other reasons i should feel bad. nevertheless, i did get a chance to meet annie, who's really sweet to her fans.



on the bright side, i did get to go see zapruder point again after all (refer to the 5/31 post). they were playing at the hideout, which i had never been to before, and it's called the hideout for a reason. it's not easy to find. i thought i made it somewhere within a 2 block vicinity of the place, but it was like in a really industrial part of town, and i couldn't see the address signs (not that i knew the address or anything) and then a chicago cop decided i was suspicious looking and trailed me. i ended up having to call my friend josh bearman for directions, and i'm like "i'm looking for the hideout & i'm by city of chicago fleet management!"and he's like, "yeah, you're there." so i had made it after all. but as long as i had josh on the phone, i wasn't going to let him off without giving him an earful since it's been like AGES since we'd had an actual conversation. josh (and this is my chicago josh, not my new york josh) happens to have the gift of extraction without endeavor; he can get out of me everything that's really going on without even trying. so of course i had to dump on him my most recent irritations and sorrows as long as i FINALLY had him on the phone. by the time i made it in to the hideout, zapruder point was just about to go on. i actually ran into dan, the frontman for zp, as i was giving my last dollar to the man at the door, and i quickly relayed the crazy story of how i got to be at that place at that moment.



i love zp! it was a short set and i didn't really get too many pictures, but it was nice to see them again. and dan's twin brother scott's band goner from raleigh, nc played a full set after them. now i have to admit i haven't seen too many bands that utilize a synth and no guitar, but w/ scott playing the two synths, you don't even miss the guitar. it was a fun set, and i hope they come back to chicago often. maybe zp & goner can do a combined show.



alright. that's it for now.



recent soundtrack--

engine--american music club

davey jones's locker--the ocean blue

fetal position--bill mallonee

summershine--VoL

orange juice--annie quick

real men cry--lost dogs

get here and stay--764-hero

amplified heart--everything but the girl

sunday's best--ticklepenny corner

pleased to meet me--the replacements

satellite rides--old 97's

low resolution--zapruder point

the limitations of the source tape--zapruder point

just got home from the wildness--yeah, can you believe it? i'm posting before 20:00!!! like how early is THAT?!



so i hear that a good thing to do is to be thankful for stuff, ya know? and if you're into the whole jesus/god thing, you aim your thanks thatward. and since i suck at stuff like formal prayer & reading the bible and all that other stuff that christians call "quiet time," i'm gonna do something easier like being thankful. i think i can handle that.



and what do i wanna tell god thanks for today? well, here's a list:



1. bands that kick ASS! bands like 764-hero, god bless 'em. they're a great band to drive to. and bill mallonee of/and vigilantes of love. i'm listening to bill's debut solo album fetal position, and i'm like totally in LOVE w/ it after 6 tracks. even if you've never heard of bill or VoL, do something crazy and get this cd. if you don't like it, give it to me; i'll find someone who will love it and can't afford it. holy cow, i'm on track 7 now and i have literally loved every single track! no lie, amigos & amigas! by the way, bill is coming to uncommon ground on friday, june 14th to play TWO SHOWS, one at 8pm and one at 10pm. i'll be there for sure.



2. a post thunderstorm sky at dusk glowing in symphonic peaches and creams. the sky, the sky, the SKY! i love the sky! i wanna live in the sky!



3. palwaukee airport. one of the fringe benefits of working at the wildness is that i get to drive past palwaukee every day now. i love looking towards the northwestern sky which looms so big and open over the little airport. and every now and then, the planes fly overhead closer than they would elsewhere. that's always cool!



4. harmonicas. refer to item 1 and the photo next to it.



5. the reflective qualities of water & light combined. one of the things i love about rainstorms is that afterwards you're guaranteed to find a zillion beautiful reflections in the most ordinary places. i am infinitely fascinated by the lovely dance between water and light.



6. the way your heart melts at the sound of your name being mispronounced by your favorite 2 year old. this should require no explanation for anyone who's been lucky enough to have a little person in his/her life who remembers his/her name (somewhat).



7. pain killers. speaking of which i am going to go take some right now...



today's soundtrack:

get here and stay--764-hero

summershine--vigilantes of love

fetal position--bill mallonee

mp3s including:

shadows--red house painters; final solution--pere ubu; who do you love--mojave 3; i want you & beyond belief--elvis costello; please please please let me get what i want--the smiths; why does my heart feel so bad--moby; i don't sleep, i dream & perfect circle--r.e.m.; linger & dreams--the cranberries; sunshower--the urban hillbilly quartet; forever young--alphaville; nothing good & while you're waiting--ron sexsmith; don't leave the light on baby--belle & sebastian; all the small things--blink182; joan jett of arc--clem snide; something more besides you--cowboy junkies; all i want is you--u2; don't stand so close to me--the police; walk w/ me & lose my head--damien jurado; the space between us--dave matthews band; 405--death cab for cutie; everybody knows & paper doll--denison witmer; strangelove--depeche mode; don't make love so hard--good life; heart & shoulder--heather nova; it never entered my mind--miles davis; a case of you--joni mitchell; good night lover--songs: ohia; the ocean--sunny day real estate; behind--the ocean blue; pale blue eyes & some kinda love--the velvet underground; rider on the wheel--nick drake; without me & beautiful & innocents--annie quick