if you need a laugh, check this out: THIS.



i need a laugh. i think i will go check it out again...



where oh where is art my network dude extraordinnaire??? i will rot waiting for him to get his ass here from westmont...i bet anyone any amount of money that he went home. c'mon..it's 4:10pm on a friday afternoon...would YOU return to work after an offsite assignment like that? nope. not me. that's for sure...shit...i can't do any work...so why am i complaining?



my friend allison at work lent me office space the movie so i can finally understand the jokes she and andrei are always telling each other. i am ready for some real educational entertainment this weekend...



i am going to clean my apartment tonight. for real....



if anybody wants a really adorable and affectionate cat w/ relatively good manners, please let me know ASAP.

yesterday after work, i went over to the wildwood to pick up some ticklepenny posters...megan was there visiting w/ leeanne and the boys. we had plans to go out for drinks & dinner. tim came home while we were there...it was good to see tim again...crimeny...it's been like a zillion years or something...once things quiet down at the job that pays me, hopefully we'll get to see each other more often. i miss the days at wildwood from the past summer...me, megan, tim, the boys...it was loads of fun for sure...



megan & i went to dinner and finally did our xmas exchange...she wrote me the sweetest card...it's nice to know somebody loves me...we had margaritas & some din-din and talked and talked about the definitions or lack thereof in our lives...then we went to flatlanders for more drinks...i'll always think of that night w/ ryan & jesse & greg & the lost dogs in the bar at flatlanders...that was one of the most surreal nights ever...ryan was so shitfaced...i fed him double jack & cokes all night long......i miss them...



i had a chimay...a little bottle...cost me $7...i could have gotten a LITER of the stuff @ trader joes for cheaper...shit, i've got TWO FULL HUGE BOTTLES at rt's apt...well, i hope they're full...they might not be so full any more...there's even a chance that they're empty...flatlanders totally hits the wallet hard...i remember when i was there w/ ryan, they charged us $12 for each double jack & coke...luckily, the bartender liked us and gave us so many free drinks...when i closed out the tab, it was like $50, and that's an entire bottle of wine, 4 double jack&cokes, and a few beers later. i love bartenders who give free drinks. lots of free drinks.



so i made this playlist at work today...i was looking through my jukebox on my laptop, and i happened to see anything box, and i really wanted to listen to them for some reason, and then i made this list of cheesy/new wave 80s & early 90s stuff...anything box...depeche mode...erasure...the farm...new order (rules)...the police...reo speedwagon (HA HA HA)...simple minds...and others i won't mention...i'll say one thing though...they're all singable tunes, that's for sure...every now and then, esp. on friday, you just need to play some tunes you can sing along to...

i had fun last night. you really can't go wrong w/ mai tais and ron of japan. and when your company for the night is my friend rt, who used to bartend @ ron of japan's, well, you're pretty much guaranteed a good time. it was fun seeing him get picked on by the staff all night long. we were there for almost FIVE hours...we were the last two to leave, and that's including the waitstaff...



so all that booze in my trunk? the 12 bottles of newcastle, 12 bottles of rolling rock, 6 bottles of red stripe, 2 bottles of chimay, and 3 bottles of fine red wine? well, except for the red wine, it all froze...rt told me it would...he was right...so we took all the booze up to his apartment where it is currently thawing...talk about ice cold beer...we did have one red stripe last night after it had thawed, and boy oh boy was it cold! we need to have a party or something...



one of the things that rt keeps bringing up is how i'm always giving and giving and not letting others give back to me...and he's insisted on giving back...it's kind of taken me by surprise...so yeah...i'm learning how to receive...it's not as easy as it sounds...



that's the thing i really appreciate about rt...he doesn't just go along w/ what i say and nod and go 'uh-huh...' he challenges my thought processes and calls me on stuff...



last night was a good night...for sure...

i think i AM manic depressive...or just a maniac and depressed...



right now, i'm a tad happy because i'm going to have mai tais w/ a friend after work @ ron of japan...he's been telling me about these mai tais for weeks now...and really, it's not just the mai tais...it's the fact that someone took to initiative to invite me out...it's the little things in life that always make me shed tears for joy.



and i'll admit i'm just a little excited about the mai tais too...



and here's a little poem i read last night that i just know has some really important life lesson in it... it's actually quite simple, really...



this is simple by pablo neruda



Power is mute (the trees tell me)

and so is profundity (say the roots)

and purity too (says the grain).



No tree ever said:

"I'm the tallest!"



No root ever said:

"I come from deeper down!"



And bread never said:

"What is better than bread!"



i have gotten my laptop to work so i can listen to my jukebox again...so it's been a mellower day musically for me...

soulweed--alphastone

let us garlands bring--early day miners

get lost--the magnetic fields

out of tune--mojave 3

murmur--r.e.m.

songs for the new year--simon joyner

s/t--the smiths

for those of you w/ the sneaking suspicion that i am manic depressive, let me take that stealthy supposition and bite you on the ass with it.



just kidding.



i was not drunk when i wrote my previous entry, and i am not drunk right now. i am seldom drunk. wherin may lie my problem.



i have been reading life after god again. need i say more?? (douglas coupland, when i find you, i don't know whether i should beat you to a pulp or kiss your feet...)



yes...i have been doing laundry and reading life after god and listening to the silver apples, red monkey and joy division...what reason could i possibly have for being depressed?



not only that i talked to my friend for about an hour and spurted out bits and pieces of my fragmented heart and mind. poor soul...had to be my choice for the line of fire tonight...sorry mj...well, that's what you get for not drinking chimay w/ me tonight...



and due to it being late and my laundry getting cold in spin cycle's dryer, i will conclude w/ excerpts from an email i sent a friend earlier...



why am i here? does it even matter that i am asking this question?



are there words to ask the questions i need and want to ask? i don't think so...my questions, i suspect, are questions of the heart and cannot be uttered in syllables or transcribed in alphabetic scribbles...



i think that after i have read every book that in some way conveys a bit of my inner workings, there will still be things left unsaid, unasked...music is not my saviour...poetry does not love me...art cannot comfort me...



if i take a roadtrip into myself, into the canyons and hills and valleys and rivers and lakes and oceans and prairies and peaks and meadows, will i find peace there? will my "self" come out to meet me at some point as i wander amongst the mysteries and intricacies that make up the essence of my being? or will i just get lost again, as lost as i am in this external world...?



i think i have said everything that i can say with words...i should only use punctuation from now on... ????....!!!!! ;; """"



and after the punctuation has been depleted, then what?



my thoughts have become an incessant ringing in my ears, an annoying gong to remind me of my fears...



the only quiet i know of i can find by retreating into myself, but the powers that be push me to connect to a world that does not want me...



and yet, i still believe in Hope...without hope, all is lost and i am lost as well...well, i AM lost, true, but without hope i am lost never to be found...with hope, i can choose to keep seeking, keep wanting to be found...



there is a world out there full of beauty and goodness and purity and truth and freedom and joy, and it's hidden from me now, but i will find it, whether i live or die...i have seen glimpses into this world in fleeting moments...i saw it saturday night watching j. dance...i saw it in your eyes as we talked @ starbucks...i saw it in the lights of the golden gate bridge one night w/ josh...i felt it in the touch of a friend's hand gently touching my cheek...i lived it in the last dying moments of my dad as he breathed and breathed no more...

end transmission.



and the morale of the story, my friends, is that you shouldn't read books that are going to totally fuck you up unless you like that kind of abuse from arbitrary symbols printed on dead tree matter. i apparently love that kind of abuse.



today i listened to gang of four the whole fucking day because my laptop is tripping out and i could only use my cd player. then when i got home i listened to via chicago 13 times. then i listened to gang of four again in the car on the way to the spin cycle. then i listened to the silver apples, red monkey and joy division. but i already said that.