Dancing By Myself

I've already mentioned that I never went to my senior prom, but since I grew up in a fundie home, I was never really allowed to do any type of social dancing as a kid, period. When we were in that cult (from my ages 4-17), there were elaborately choreographed dances that were performed (because the cult leader liked that cultured stuff like ballet and classical music), but none of us kids ever got to go to a regular school dance, unless it was maybe for proselytizing purposes.

Nevertheless, there was always a dancer in me, and when I finally broke out of my fundie surroundings, I embraced my inner dance with exuberance and abandon. Granted, I couldn't do a foxtrot or a simple waltz or anything related to swing dancing to save my life. In fact, any type of dance that required a partner was not within my realm of possibilities. I remember being on the dance floor w/ my girlfriend when we were probably not even 21, and she asked me in an exasperated tone, "Can't you just dance NORMAL?!" I remember thinking to myself, "Like, WHY would I wanna dance NORMAL??!!"

So why am I bringing all this up? Well, I'm reading a book right now called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd (author of The Secret Life of Bees, one of my favorite books of the past couple years), and there's stuff a-stirring in me.

While I've considered myself a feminist for some time, I've never fully examined or even admitted my wounds derived from being born female in a male-dominated society, and especially growing up female in a male-dominated church tradition. It's easy for me to gloss over and just forget about, now that I go to a church pastored by a woman, where most of the leaders are also women, or now that I'm in a non-traditional household where I, the wife, am the main breadwinner, while my husband takes care of our child and keeps house.

And yet, there is a defiance taking shape inside of me. I'm two-thirds of the way through the book, and there is a rumbling in my soul, the sound of an avalanche in the distance gaining speed and momentum. I don't know when the rumble will be a roar deafening my ears, and to be honest, I'm hesitant and afraid.

I think this one's gonna take a while to unfold.

I haven't danced in a long time. At least not my wild dance, the dance that comes from within, from the deepest part of myself, that dance that is mine and mine alone. Maybe that dance will emerge again. I hope so...Because I don't EVER want to "dance NORMAL."