mid-april and life after god...

every now and then, i go back into my archives to see what i wrote one, two, three, four years ago...april is historically a hard month for me, because i watched my father die for the entire month of april in 2002. today, i looked back to see what i wrote on this very saturday 4 years ago, and it turns out i had just finished reading 'life after god' by douglas coupland for the 2nd time. coincidentally, i just finished reading that same book this past thursday. i guess there's something about april that brings me back to this book time and time again. i don't know how many times i've read this book by now. each time, my reaction is different, depending on my state of mind and emotions. 4 years ago, i was grappling with the same sense of being lost that the narrator struggles with, although mine stemmed from BEING raised with religion, whereas his was from being raised WITHOUT religion. i remember reading the stories back then, and thinking that coupland was writing about me. this time, when i reread the book, i felt a little more detached, like i was reading about myself when i was younger, but not about who i feel like i am today.

four years have gone by so quickly. and although having cadence and teddy now has taken the edge off of the sorrow i felt back then from losing my dad, there's still a part of me that can't believe he's actually. really. gone...i still dream about him at least once or twice a week. and i wish those dreams were always happy dreams, where he's totally well and cancer-free, but they're not. sometimes i watch him die all over again, and it doesn't hurt any less the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 56th time around...

today, i am feeling sentimental. april does that to me, you know...last night, ted played a benefit show with tim lowly at north park university, so me and the babe were alone. i was tired, so i popped in the extra footage dvd for 'i am trying to break your heart', the wilco documentary. i had never watched this disc before. i was reminded again how much i love this band. damn, they look good in black and white grainy film...so today, while teddy is out all day paintballing at his best friend brian's brother's bachelor party, i have put our 6-disc CD changer to good use with the following tunes:
CD1--A.M. by wilco
CD2--Being There, Disc 1 by wilco
CD3--Being There, Disc 2 by wilco
CD4--Summerteeth by wilco
CD5--Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by wilco
CD6--A Ghost is Born by wilco

i'm actually quite amazed that i was able to find all the cds, as my collection is usually in disarray. yeah, i have not yet been converted to the iPod community. i don't know if i ever will. i really like reading liner notes.

anyhoo. some of these albums have great sentimental value for me. i really could listen to them over and over again, and i have gone through periods in my life when that's ALL i listened to. and to this day, 'via chicago' is one of the very few songs i can play on the guitar (poorly) while singing.

well, baby's gonna be up soon. it's a lovely day here in the windy city, so we'll probably go out to the park. she's finally getting over her cold, *knock*knock* that was a long illness by cadence's standards. almost two weeks.

playing outdoors is so much more fun when you don't have to wipe green snot every few minutes. i must admit, though, cadence took it pretty well. she used to hate having her nose wiped, but now she seems to understand that it feels so much better to have that gook taken care of right away.

well, we're FINALLY painting our first room (the dining room) on monday. that is to say, TED will be painting, with much needed assistance from our friend tim lowly (who's also our pastor's husband). tim used to be a professional house painter, and i think we'll need his professional caliber help. as for me and cadence, i took monday off work, so we will be roaming the streets looking for places to hang out until we are allowed back in the abode. i'm hoping my mom will ba back in town (she's been in L.A. for some reason) by then so i can go hang out at her place.

we're using non-toxic paint, so it really shouldn't smell too bad. we just need to keep cadence away long enough for it to dry. surprisingly, non-toxic paint is very affordable, and they can mix just about any benjamin moore color. we got ours at green maker building supply. i highly recommend using non-toxic paint. you'd be surprised how much toxins interior paints can emit for years and years. i'm tellin' ya. all that cancer and infertility out there probably has something to do with all the toxins we've polluted our air with, not just outdoors but in our homes too.

anyhoo. baby's squealing in the other room. gotta go.